Gone to the Dogs

I am moving today. Out of the apartment where I lived with Roommate Jeremy, who decided the first day I arrived that WE WOULD NOT SLEEP TOGETHER NEVER, EVER, EVER because he had principals, dammit. He suddenly changed his mind several months later when he came home to find me baking brownies. Apparently the brownies and I were just what he needed after his marathon day of beer bonging and jet skis.

I imagine that very few people can attribute an orgasm directly to Betty Crocker. Actually, come (har har) to think of it, Mrs. Crocker, your Ultimate Turtle Bars do run a pretty close second to having a handsome man on top of you, but the sex was downright mind blowing, and it gave me permission to walk around the apartment naked henceforth.

However, I am not leaving because things became awkward between Roommate Jeremy and me due to the sex, although they did for a minute. I thought he had feelings for me and that it was more than just sex. He assured me that, yes 123Valerie, it was more than sex: "It was friends fucking." Oh. My mistake.

But, that's all fine and good now. The magic of time has erased my feelings for Roommate Jeremy, and we have returned to a normal routine of sharing some Hamburger Helper and critiquing the Meeting of the Minds that is Flavor of Love. (Flav kept a girl who shit on the floor! OMG. That is keeping it way realer than the realest of the reals.)

With domestic bliss restored at Roommate Jeremy's pad, I am moving because new Roommate Jenny has a dog.

I love dogs. And while Roommate Jeremy is a dog in his own, special way ("Huh huh. I just fucked a girl in the back seat of her car, and then I stole the change out of her ashtray"), he is not lovable, or even likable most of the time. In no way, shape or form, could anyone call him loyal, though he does like treats, and I have seen him pee on the couch.

As an adult, I made the decision to base my living situation on a pet, because pets make me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Safety, cost and general practicality have no place here in adulthood when deciding where to live. But, puppies and kittens do.

To be fair, new Roommate Jenny is wicked cool and runs 1,000 kilometer marathons, refinishes furniture and is a way smart lawyer who works in downtown Washington D.C. I hope to receive some of her savvy and sophistication by osmosis. Or at least good legal representation when the very likely chance of my getting arrested for public drunkenness comes to fruition.

But for now, as I prepare to head over to new Roommate Jenny's house for my first official night as a person who gets to live with a dog (yay!), all I can think about is something that my Aunt Jackie always says: A worm is the only animal that can't fall down.

It really has no bearing here. I just always think about it because I don't know what it means.

Tell me about your favorite pet in the Comments section. Specifically, did you kiss them on the mouth? Because that's hot.