123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Some Like it Hot*

New Roommate Jenny's real name is Jenny. On her birth certificate, I mean. She's not a Jennifer or a Jennette. She's Jenny. Isn't that fun? I imagine her parents must be fun people, too. The kind of folks who wear toboggans with pom-poms and give out full-sized candy bars at Halloween.

Day Two of living with new Roommate Jenny, whom I have now deemed JennyJenny8675309, has confirmed my intuition that she is awesome. However, we have a slight problem. Minor, really. Not worth getting worked up about. Move along, people, nothing to see here.

JennyJenny8765309 has an internal body temperature of about 40 degrees Fahrenheit. This is not to say she's cold-hearted, but rather she likes to keep the house toasty. Even in August, the thermostat is set to the tune of 78.

Upon moving in, I realized the house was a bit warm, but I just assumed it was all of the door opening and closing craziness that comes with moving. Not so, my friends. The house is just hot. HAWT.

As a fiery Aries, I am always hot. Roommate Jeremy kept our place like a meat locker because, he is, in fact, cold-hearted. He's a cold-hearted snake. (He's been telling lies. Oh oh. Look into his eyes. He's a lover boy at play, girl. He don't play by rules. Oh oh. Girl don't play the fool. No. Well, too late for that. Where were you when I needed you, Paula?)

In any case, I woke up this morning and there was a cactus growing out of my mouth. Seriously. Buzzard hawks were circling around looking for dead coyote. This intense heat was made infinitely more uncomfortable by the fact that, because of the roasting temperatures, I had gone to sleep sans clothing, and sometime in the night, Wonder Dog Bean nosed open the bedroom door. So, JennyJenny8675309 may have seen a little more of 123Valerie than she bargained for this morning.

"Good morning, JennyJenny8675309. This is my ass. Have a good day!"

We'll see how this plays out; it may very well work to my advantage. I had to sleep with Roommate Jeremy to get naked-in-the-apartment privileges. Maybe JennyJenny8675309 will just give them to me out of pity.

*Thanks for the clever title, Megan Jane. I think you're HAWT.

Tell me your worst roommate experiences in the Comments section. JennyJenny8675309 is nowhere near my worst. That was Marc, who let his cat pee everywhere, but that's for another time.


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