123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

'Coming' to a Web Site Near You. But Not on You. Unless You Like That Sort of Thing.

Sitting in the gynecologist's office today for my annual exam, I had a genius thought. They should make the Project Runway kids design a paper gown that is not only elegant, but allows for quick and easy access to boobies and nunus.

When you're up on a table showing your business to God and everybody, you tend to think of ANYTHING to forget the fact that 4 pounds of KY Jelly and a stranger's fingers have just been shoved inside you.

Truthfully, for any of you reading out there who've never had an annual exam, and I hope this only applies to you boyfriends m'kay, it's really not that bad. You get felt up, which is always nice, and the actual vaginal exam only takes about 30 seconds of cold metal things poking around in you. I tell you what; knowing what I know now, I would take a Pap smear over some of the sexual encounters I've had over the years. At least the doctor remembered my name and asked if I was comfortable before diving in.

The annual exam brought me a chance to focus on my naked parts and sexual history that COULD NOT HAVE come at a better time. I have some good news, my pretties!

A very smart man named Will (Hi Will!) realized that I'm the perfect person to help write articles, product reviews and general hot stuff for his new adult product Web site, the G Spot Clique. How perfect is that? So, if you thought I talked about sex a lot before, hold onto your panties, kids. No, seriously, your elastic is slipping a little.

The Web site will be up and running around October, so in the meantime, we're going to stockpile as much funny, informative and sexually-charged content as we can. There's a special goody box of products headed to me as we speak. I'll also be helping out with some education, such as "How to Clean Come Off of Suede." Or something like that.

No. Probably nothing like that.

I love to have sex and all of the fun things that go along with it, and I've built up a pretty impressive sexual vocabulary thanks to an ex-boyfriend's love of the dirty talk. But keep in mind, kids, that I'm only one kinky person in a world of billions. As time goes on, if there's a question or an area that you might like addressed, don't be shy. Ya'll know where to find me.

In the meantime, I know you might be desperately worried that I'm going to quit my day job. Don't fret. Why would I give up the exciting world of investing publications to write about something like boring old sex? There's still a whole lot more financially stock market goodness coming your way.

Huh huh. I said "coming."

In the Comments section, tell me a funny sexual word or phrase that you like. I enjoy "trunk butt," which I'm told refers to the trunk-like state a gay man's anus takes on after years of anal sex. I suppose this could occur to women, as well. There's always the favorite, Dirty Sanchez, and his good pal, Helen Keller. The winner gets 4 pounds of KY Jelly.


  • At 8:39 PM , Blogger brinki dink said...

    Goo Goblin: A person who makes an evil face while pretending to enjoy the taste of semem by adding a twisted smile to their goblinesque expression.

  • At 9:24 AM , Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

    Um.... "nanus?" hahahaha.

    I may not have ever had an "annual exam" but let me tell you I've shared the experience. You just pop over to my blog and look for the post regarding the "procedure." ugh.

    Anyway, I've got lots of reading to do, so I'm out!


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