123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

The Most Expensive $2 Beers Ever. EVER.

Chop chop, kiddies! We've got a lot to cover.

First and foremost, Hannah Banana is Alright! She and her sweet brain are resting at her folks’ house. Thanks for your thoughts, friends. Yay!

Second, just a moment ago, I figured out how to use JennyJenny8675309’s microwave. It only took me two weeks, a marked improvement over the six weeks I needed to conquer Roommate Jeremy’s.

Third, I am a ridiculous drunk.

This notion hit me in the wee hours of Friday morning, after I had spent no less than an hour and a half searching for my car in the Shady Grove Metro parking lot. After a $75 cab ride from somewhere off of the red line. After the last train departed. After I realized I was taking the Metro in the wrong direction. After Bushmills, etc. at Sean P.K.’s house. After lots and lots of $2 Budweisers at the Pour House.

Dammit 123Valerie.

Sean P.K. accurately refers to Budweisers as “Scudweisers” because they shoot out of your ass with unbelievable force the next day. It took me two whole days and several pounds of loaded French fries to get right again. That’s all I care to say about that. It won’t be happening again any time soon.

I know, I know. EVEN I had to roll my eyes at that, see, because as I write, a large quantity of Jell-O shots made with the cheapest, most lethal vodka known to man is chilling. Chilling, mindin’ my business. Yo Salt I looked around and I couldn’t believe this. I swear, I stared. My niece my witness. The brother had it going on with somethin’ kind of wicked, wicked. Had to kick it. I’m not shy so I asked for the digits. A ho? No that don’t make me. See what I want slip slide to it swiftly. Felt it in my hips so I dipped back to my bag of tricks. Then I flipped for a tip, make me wanna do tricks for him. Lick him like a lollipop should be licked. Came to my senses and I chilled for a bit. Don't know how you do the voodoo that you do. So well it's a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop shoop.

The Fleischmann’s 80 proof apparently induces epileptic fits in which I spout off Salt N Pepa lyrics. Even the homeless winos are like, "Uh unh. No way, man. I’m not touching that stuff."

Anyway, I think the Jell-O shots will be a nice addition to the Labor Day BBQ that Sean P.K. is hosting with his lovely lady Taylor, red-headed roommate Geoff and very nice Republican roommate Leah.

But, that’s tomorrow.

Today is for VH1 marathons and maybe even another batch of loaded French fries. Oh, and wallowing a bit about the fact that 567Devin made the official decision to call things off.

Well, things were never really on. To recap, 567Devin and I were friends. I realized I had a crush on 567Devin after we huddled for warmth at an early season camping trip. I kept that fact to myself for several months. And by “kept it to myself” I mean I told everyone I know, except 567Devin. I even told my Nan Marie about him.

Finally, I got so worked up, I got drunk and accosted him. We had fun. And good conversation. And Chinese food. 567Devin needed some time to sort things out, though. He’s got a very scientific brain and likes processes; needless to say, I had skipped a few of his usual steps.

I was comfortable with back peddling for a bit because, well, what jackass would NOT want to be with me? Turns out, there’s at least one.

Oh, I don’t really mean that. I still adore him, he’s just got terrible instincts. I know this may be hard to believe, but my frank and honest nature can freak some guys out (and a lot of gals, for that matter).

In any case, the latest word on the street is that last night, 567Devin got stinking drunk and proceeded to hit people for no reason at all. When questioned about his unnecessarily violent behavior, 567Devin replied, “I’m just really, really angry,” and refused to expound.

Methinks that he’s kicking himself for passing up a ride on the V-Train, as well he should. I’m quite a catch, if I do say so myself.

You know what other train would have been great to ride? The red line Metro to Shady Grove in the wee hours of Friday morning. Oh, 123Valerie.

Use the Comments section to tell me what you like to put on your loaded French fries. The winner gets a bottle of Fleischmann's 80-proof vodka.


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