123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Do You Know Where My Pen Is?

When I was younger, someone told me that you could estimate the size of a man's penis by making an "L" shape with his hand, and the distance between the thumb and forefinger would tell you how long the dong was.

I didn't understand the handiness, if you will, of this predictive tool until the early part of my second decade, but it's never failed me.

Big feet lie. Big ears lie. Heck, even big hands lie. But the distance between the thumb and forefinger—true dat.

Following that theory, if I were a dude, my penis would be five-and-three-quarter inches. Very respectable for a chick, thank you very much.

Funny, though—a six-inch-clit isn't so well received.

In the Comments section, tell me how big your hand penis is.

Editor's Note: I don't really have a six-inch clit, sadly. It was something Megan Jane said once when we were teenagers that has always stuck in my head. She probably doesn't even remember it, but it's something I carry with me (we were in Autumn's living room, Schmegs, and you were doing our usual cartoon voice screaming "She had a six-inch-clit!" I can admit here that is was several years after that I finally figured out what a "clit" was. "Ooooooohhhh. I get it ...")

That memory is like the words to that crazy round we always used to sing in sixth grade.

Witchita and the wheat fields of Kansas. Kansas City K is next to Kansas City Mo. Chicago. Crossroads of America. Tallahassee, Tuscaloosa, San Franciso, Guadalupe.



  • At 11:39 PM , Blogger CamiKaos said...

    I'll be back after I find my ruler.

  • At 11:48 PM , Blogger pistols at dawn said...

    I learned of this in a sad way, when I was working at a crap job with a crush on a co-worker, who was the ugliest girl I've ever seen (kind of Lurch-ish, but short), but very smart and funny. She held her hands up to mine and said, "My hands are the same size as yours - you've got little girl hands."

    And then the ugliest girl I've ever seen explained this, and said she was sorry for MY future dating life.

    Little did she know about my main allies: booze, desperation, and the ravages of time.

  • At 12:04 AM , Blogger sid said...

    LOL! Thanks for this bit of information. I'll now be compulsively checking out the distance between every guy's forefinger and thumb.

  • At 6:43 AM , Anonymous Franki said...

    Dang, I'm gonna have to start taking polls. The Burg will never be the same.

  • At 6:44 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I thought mine was an unrespectable 6 inches, until it turns out my husband only has 7 inches. Is that normal? What's the average penis size anyway? I so don't want to see what comes up if I google that...

  • At 9:46 AM , Blogger country roads said...

    My ruler's not big enough.

  • At 11:59 AM , Blogger CamiKaos said...

    5 1/2.

    Your dick would be bigger than mine, but I think 5 1/2 is still pretty good for a girl.

  • At 1:16 PM , Blogger emertron said...

    Very small.

  • At 7:37 PM , Anonymous krok5.25 said...


    Since I'm white my penis is on the short side but I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue. I'll never forget the time I went out with a girl who had a hooded clitoris. I had to stop with the penis and strap on a battery operated tongue. She told me it was great but I tell you I was beat. Also if you're going to sit on my face I prefer big clits.

  • At 11:47 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    CamiK, everything about you is amazing--even your 5.5 inch penis.

    PAD, I don't believe a syllable that ugly people say. It's a personal philosophy.

    Sid, it's the first I check--even with my women suitors.

    Franki, especially at this stage in your sexual career this can come in very handy.

    Anonymous, I've lost my "expert" status in recent years (damn "good judgment") but 7 inches seems just fine to me. Besides, it really is about the girth.

    CRJ, metrics or inches, mon friar?

    Em, small pee pee, big heart.

    Krok, while impressive, I've gone on record as saying that oral sex is like a back rub for me: I would never turn it down and it's pleasant, but it's not going to get me "there." Just sayin'.

  • At 10:00 AM , Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

    I can't believe I actually checked the size of my finger penis.

    If a regular sheet of paper really is 8.5 inches wide, then my finger penis size is, like 8.25.

  • At 11:20 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Geez, P Dubs, do you have a permit to carry that thing. Lord a-mighty.

  • At 3:54 PM , Blogger P said...

    My finger penis is six and three-quarters inches. Flaccid.

  • At 12:37 PM , Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

    Hmmm... well, according to this, I'm just shy of 7". Is that good?


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