123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Knocking the Socks Off of Nonagenerians Everywhere

So, the ex-boyfriend is seeing someone new—the "love of his life," according to a reputable source. And I am happy for him—really and truly, no bullshit. (I mean it, A.J. High-five, kid.)

I wouldn't bring it up otherwise because admitting that I did a little online snooping to learn that fact only makes me look like an ass, and the only thing worse than looking like an ass is looking like a bitter ass, so rest assured that I am a happy ass.

A little of the sting was taken away when I received an unsolicited e-mail from eHarmony last night proclaiming "We found your perfect match!"

Whoa ho! What luck!

I clicked to find a profile for Matthew, a college professor from nearby (but just far enough to sate my love of "distance") Elkins, West Virginia. Hey, not knocking—it's a beautiful state and the cost of living is dirt cheap.

I kept reading: He's liberal, witty, genuine—good, good. He likes talking and listening to music—mama likes. Correct apostrophe usage—check!

Oh, and he's 92 years old.

What the hell, eHarmony? I mean, I always knew, thanks to my astrological chart, that on the off chance I ever get married, it will be to an older man (Virgo rules my seventh house) but come on.

Geez. I mean, I know I expressed an interest in learning to knit and how to can things, and, yes, maybe one of my hobbies is quilting, and I love the smell of AspirCream, but throw me a bone here, eHarmony.

Preferably one that doesn't require Viagra or the help of a personal nurse.

In the Comments section, tell me about your favorite old person.



  • At 11:36 AM , Blogger CamiKaos said...

    I'm trying so hard not to laugh so hard.

    You see I married an older man... but that older man is still way more than twice my older man's age.

    I mean that is an older man.

    Do they think you have Anna Nicole leanings?

    PS Loved the short hair pic... was that over on My Space? I am having trouble keeping all my social networking straight.

  • At 12:30 PM , Blogger Nina said...

    Thank you. I needed a laugh. eHarmony and all the other dating sites are regularly all over my ass to date men in their sixties who have been married nine times and have sixteen kids and are looking for a fresh, new, future ex-wife. EEEEEE... no more.

    My favorite old-ish person is my dad. But he is only 67. My next favorite is my Aunt Jeanne's mother Margie, who is close to 90 and still gets up every day, applies make up, and never leaves the house without being perfectly turned out - including white gloves and a fetching hat. I love me some Margie.

  • At 1:43 PM , Blogger pistols at dawn said...

    That is f-ing hilarious. Maybe you're really well suited to the bibs and early bird special crowd. Maybe when you said you didn't care what color the hair, they assumed blue was cool.

    Maybe they're casting for "Harold and Maude 2" and reversing the genders.

    Maybe four sentences beginning with "maybe" is enough.

  • At 4:54 PM , Anonymous Franki said...

    If I'm on eHarmony when I'm 93, I'm committing seppuku.

    Crikey! :)

  • At 6:59 PM , Anonymous krok2 said...


    That's funny.

    My brother used match.com and he was going out with a different hot chick every weekend night. For some crazy reason he married this hot chick who had money.

    You do need to find a guy quickly because you need to have kids. You don't want to be in your fifties with kids.

    I'm still your friend if you turn to lesbianism. Heck, I'll donate the sperm.

  • At 7:07 PM , Blogger lorelai236 said...

    My crystal ball says you'll soon be meeting a hot investment dude (with his mind on his money & his money on his mind) :)

    That, or a hot scruffy bohemian at the next open mic night. Which is...

  • At 9:26 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    You could knock his (support) socks off!

  • At 9:45 PM , Blogger Suze said...

    Damn, that's old. Although you'd probably get a lot of discounts dating him....movies...5:00 dinner specials....prescription medicines.

  • At 10:11 PM , Blogger Woodrow said...

    My Papa. He's 89 and perpetually pissed off that he is no longer able to take off work and go bird hunting. The last straw was a couple years back when he and I were out and he did a dive into a deep ditch and broke his fall with his head on his loaded shotgun and I had to take him to the emergency room to get stitched up. And yeah, he goes to work. Every day.

  • At 9:55 AM , Blogger country roads said...

    Just think, you can eat dinner at 4 and then when he falls asleep by 6, you still have the rest of the evening to go out and do something. Oh wait, that's me...

  • At 2:18 PM , Blogger Some Goofy Woman said...

    You're forgiven for the e-stalking. We all do it. It's just too easy nowadays.

    And especially since you confessed. No Hail Marys needed.


  • At 5:43 PM , Blogger WendyB said...

    What? Seniors are great, especially if you have a fear of commitment. Puts a natural cap on the relationship.

  • At 10:28 PM , Blogger My Reflecting Pool said...

    Oh dear. That brave man, putting it out there like that. Doesn't he know all he has to do is show up to bingo and all his women problems are solved?

    Thanks for todays laugh!

  • At 9:45 AM , Blogger Flat Coke and Flies said...

    lol that's a little funny that they matched you up with Grandpa. Maybe eharmony wants to find someone that you can take care of...but can't bite your nipples...just gum them.

  • At 11:40 AM , Blogger Debbie said...

    You're either a nurturing sort or you have over-filled your profile with "Show me the money - FAST". I'm still trying to figure out which would make me like you more.

  • At 6:47 PM , Anonymous Kirstin said...

    OMG!! Val that is too funny!!!

  • At 12:40 PM , Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

    I would have to say my fav old person is the 91-year old stud who landed you. heh.


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