Seeing Things

My glasses broke.

I lurve my glasses. They are purple cat-eye, hot librarian spectacles, and they instantly add 10 IQ points when I put them on.

Now, I look like a dweeb because one of the arm thingies broke off, and I have to wear them that way or else all of the words and numbers and words about numbers that I deal with go blurry. Then I get a headache and start hitting people.

(Hey! Totally unrelated picture of Queen Z and me at the happy hour dysfunction! Loverly!)

I was trying to figure what to do about the situation when our very wise security guard wandered by and sensed my distress. It always lifts my heart to hear the sweet lull of his African accent and his very dramatic prose.

"What is the matter going on here? You are breaking my heart. You are much too pretty to be upset."

I held up the two pieces of my eye glasses and gave him a frowny face.

"Ohhhhhhh. Yes that is very bad. Very bad, indeed. Terrible." As he looked around my office, he noted the exorbitant amount of naked baby pictures. "Your beautiful children? Such gifts they are to be treasured."

"Oh, no. Not mine. Now way. Nuh uh. Nieces and nephews."

He was dumbfounded that I wasn't married and/or knocked up. "Why? Why are you so alone in this world? We all need love."

"Um, yes, that's true, but I don't have any children because I don't even have a boyfriend, so it's not really ... um, an option because I'm not, uh, having ... I'm not sleeping wi ... making love to anyone."

"Well, perhapsing then you are a lesbian. That is okay [pronounced okee in the way that only gentle, foreign men can]."

"Well, perhapsing," I repeated. "Only part time," I wanted to say. "The hours are flexible, and though I don't get any benefits, the perks are amazing."

"No," he said. "That would be okee, but I am seeing you with lots of beautiful babies that come right from your body. You will find a prince, and he will will understand your body, and you will have good communication, and he will learn to please you in every way. He is a very sensitive lover, and soon you will be surrounded by babies and love. I am seeing this for you."

"Wow. You can see all of that? Are you sure?"

Now it was my turn to be dumbfounded, largely because of the whole baby business and because he had just alluded to me having orgasms. And lots of them. I don't know the proper etiquette for this situation--when a stranger foretells your future, and it includes a lot of good sex, does a simple "thank you" suffice, or should I have hugged him?

"Yes. And if you get yourself to the opera ... opthor ... optom ... the eye doctor to get your glasses fixed, you will be seeing these things too. Ha ha," he chuckled at his own joke.

Now, every iota in me believes in intuition and our abilities to sense and see things. I don't discount others' talent for prophecy, so I would just about ready to rethink my life plan when, as he turned to leave, the security guard bumped into the door. "Whoops. I was not seeing that there."

Mmm hmm.

In the Comments section, tell me if you see beautiful babies in my future. I was always a bit worried that, since my sisters' kids are all so lovely, I'd get stuck with the ugly one.