If a Tree Eats a Potato Chip in the Forest and 123Valerie Isn't Around to Hear It, Does It Still Make a Sound?

Have you ever listened to a dog eat potato chips? It's a delightful sound.

Wonder Dog Bean and I were outside today, enjoying the shade (ya'll know me) while I worked on an article I'm writing, a how-to on blow jobs for Will's Web site. I was munching on some salt and vinegar chips, as I'm apt to do every now and again, when I knocked the bag over.

Wonder Bean to the rescue! Schromp, schromp, schromp. Schromp. Goodbye Mr. Chips.

Wonder Bean's sweet audio massacre was a nice interlude from all of my talking about wankers and schlongs and spit and beef ponies and cockleberries (all actual terms from the article, by the way), because thinking and writing about all of this sex is just making me more aware that I'm not getting any.

I don't know how you kids feel about sex, but I rather like it. I find it hard to believe that I haven't found someone more willing to enjoy it with me. I've said this before, but this is an open call for blind date setups, my pretties.

I know it's risky. The last time this happened, Megan Jane almost set me up with her school's child psychologist, a gymnast with a tick. I balked at first, but that's a good reminder that most of us don't sound so good on paper. Me included.

To Megan Jane's credit, he is a handsome, intelligent, fit Jewish man, which I love, and I would have gone out with him if Megan Jane hadn't gotten a new job teaching middle school. But, MJ's on to bigger and better things (and kids), so the hunt continues.

Oddly, Megan Jane said she met a teacher at her new school that is a spitting image of Roommate Jeremy.

There I go, talking about spit and dicks again.

In the Comments section, leave the name, number and general description of someone you want to fix me up with. The winner gets a blow job!