There May Be Plenty of Fish in the Sea, but They Still Smell Like Fish

I finally got some replies to my online dating profile. I think I'm quite a catch, but apparently these pirates are only into easy to plunder booty and not the buried treasure within 123Valerie.

So, while I'm ecstatic I haven't been totally passed over, I'm a little less than thrilled with what's washed up on the shore. I'm also less than thrilled with this whole nautical/pirate thing I'm trying to do here. Let me just share some highlights with you:

From Statix, Male aged 22:

If you wanted to pull my body closer to yours, which part of my shirt would you grab?

I can't make this up, kids. Probably by the collar, Statix. Very tightly.

From Lucretius 5, Male aged 35:
I am a Scientist (PhD in Microbiology). Being a Scientist is more than just a job, it is a commitment to Derivable-Truth. Even if Science didn't provide us with a basis for superior technology, this would still make it a worthy human endeavor.

Beyond Science, I am writing a Sci-Fi story, and occasionally participate in D&D games with my friends.

Okay, to be fair, I was with him on the science thing. It's not my bag, but you've got to admire his commitment. But, D&D after the age of 16? No, I don't think so.

From MaddieT, Female aged 34:
Hey sexy. I'm shy. Want to come over and fuck me?

Somehow, I just don't buy that she's an introvert. The interesting thing here, my pretties, is that I only set my preferences for dudes to cut down on some of the "come join our threesome" messages. Still, Maddie sought me out.

I'm less than thrilled so far, but tonight I'm meeting up with my friend Miss Jones, with whom I used to work at Max & Erma's, slinging chocolate chip cookies and beer behind the bar.

It was very hard working at a dorky place like Max & Erma's when my friend Kristina Hot Pants got to work at a cool bar, called Champ's, that actually encouraged people to get drunk instead of eat baked goods.

In any case, Miss Jones and I are having Mongolian barbecue, which I love. There's something very sexy about those adolescent boys with the sticks caressing my food as it sizzles.

Okay, I need to get laid. I wonder if Maddie is online.

In the Comments section, tell me how you feel about Mongolian barbecue and/or adolescent boys with sticks. The winner gets my online dating throwbacks. And some fish sticks that I can't eat on my new diet. Ugh.