123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Shear Horror

"I'd like a Bloody Mary with a dill pickle please," I said to our waiter.

"A what?"

"A Bloody Mary please," I reiterated.

"I'm sorry. I still didn't catch that. Can you say again?"

"Um, no I can't. I'm sorry. I'll have a glass of Riesling."

I can't EVER say the phrase "Bloody Mary" three times in a row because, once when I was seven, my friend Lura said that if I did, I would die instantly.

Other irrational beliefs I hold on to: don't look into mirrors in dark rooms because ghosts will pop out and eat your face, my insistence that if I drive barefoot I will be arrested and never, ever speak up even if a hair stylist is butchering your hair.

I become paralyzed by hair stylists. I have no idea why.

A little background, my pretties: I am a real-live, honest to goodness beauty school dropout. I have nearly 1,000 hours of cosmetology education and practical training in the great state of North Carolina. I am an alumna of the distinguished Hair Stylist Academy in Statesville.

I had kind of a mini-breakdown the first time I left college. 19 years old, aimless and addicted to Manic Panic, it seemed like a brilliant plan. Too bad I wasn't very good at it. It's almost sitcom cliché, kids, but I gave my Dad green hair. And not in a good way.

Anyhoo, point is, I can speak the lingo—I know how to ask for what I need.

Somehow, though, Shirin, a licensed professional since January 2007, took "I'd like you to use a razor for a one-inch trim all the way around with about a 45-degree angle. Keep the shortest layer below the base of my occipital, and the back could use some texturizing, as it's been laying a little heavy" to mean "chop off nine inches."

Yep. Ya heard me: I went in with loverly hair cascading down my back, and now I've got a "cute" mop of curls that falls barely to my shoulders. And I sat there mute the whole time just praying, "Please stop, Shirin. Please, just stop. Think of the children, Shirin. Stop this madness. It doesn't have to be this way."

All drama aside, it's actually very kicky. I feel like Mary Tyler Moore. Actually, I feel like a Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mmm …

Ack. Gasp. Eek. I think I'm dying.

Well, at least I have cute hair.

In the Comments section, tell me your hair horror stories.



  • At 5:56 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Okay, in the 80's I was totally in love with the singer for a hair metal band. I won't say which one. Anyway, I loved his hair. I took the picture in to the "stylist" and told her I wanted my hair to look like his. I ended up with a mullet. I looked like Joe Dirt for months. To make it worse, my Dad thought it was really funny to call me Spike. And then another time, I let my SIL put "streaks" in my hair and it all turned snow white. I looked like a damned Q-Tip.

  • At 6:10 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    Well, you've already seen the picture at my brother's place, which illustrates the mistake that was my head in 1987.

    Other than that, the first time I donated my hair, it was a little uneven, so I stopped on the way home to get it fixed. The girl with the scissors decided I needed a lot of really short layers (i.e. shortest = 1.5 inches) to give it body.

    Yeah... I have really thick hair. No need to add body. Ever. EVER.

    After much weeping and gnashing of teeth, I bought some folic acid. Makes the hair grow faster.

  • At 6:21 PM , Blogger mist1 said...

    I adore a good Bloody Mary. It's like a salad with a vodka based salad dressing.

  • At 6:49 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    POST A PICTURE DAMMIT!!! I gotta see this!!

  • At 7:09 PM , Blogger Senor Caiman said...


    First of all Bloody Mary's make me puke.

    In your cosmotology circle did you ever run into Carl Saggan. That Dude was cool.

    You're the reason I cut my own hair.

  • At 8:31 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    One time... this friend of mine, 123 Valerie, watched me get a haircut... and I felt self-conscious.

  • At 11:26 PM , Blogger Hey Pretty said...

    In college I bleached my hair. Quite a bit. It's naturally very dark brown for those of you reading this who don't know me. After a while I got tired of maintaining the roots so I decided to go back to my natural color. Because it was so fried, and because I was a stupid 20 year old hippie at the time, I thought I'd be all "natural" about it and use a dark brown henna. Do you know what happens when you apply henna to bleached hair? It turns a color I can only describe as "swamp"--murky medium brown with tinges of green and orange. After that I died it blue. Then there was nothing left to do but cut it all off. I walked around for an entire summer looking a lot like KD Lang. Trust me, whatever your hair trauma is, I can top it.

    Moreover, I'm sure your cut is adorable. If not, we can go hat shopping.

  • At 12:32 AM , Anonymous 123v said...

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 12:41 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    It's late. I'm still up. Please bear with me ...

    Pookie Pants, I loved me some DeGrassi Junior High. Where you the "Spike" I always longed for? I lurve Canadian public TV. She was knocked up, too ...

    K, your family has lovely folicles. No worries about balding there. I can't believe someone thought it was a good idea to give your beautiful head short layers. That's why I ducked out of the industry.

    Mist, honey, if I can drink and eat veggies at the same time, I'm happy. Well, pretty much, if I can drink, I'm happy.

    FC&F, I don't have a cam. I'm stuck in 1997, but I'm sure it'll come up. I look cute. That's all you need to know.

    Senor, that makes me happy. I shouldn't be allowed around anyone with sharp objects. Just because I give amazing blow jobs and am an aweseome lay doesn't mean I can cut hair.

    Matty, you have beautiful hair. A weed wacker could give you a haircut, and you'd still look amazing.

    Kate, I think you and I should go hat shopping anyway. I lurve hats. Jimmy hats, that is ... mwaaaaahahahahahhhahhha!

  • At 6:45 AM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    My current hair color is hard to find in nature, so much for thinking I could color it myself using a mixture of my own design. I love bloody mary's, it's a great way to start the day and healthy too.

  • At 7:55 AM , Blogger Lee said...

    One time, a friend came over to give me some blond highlights. She put that cap thing on and proceeded to pull every hair on my head thru those lil holes...but we didn't know it. Then we bleached it...white.

    I kept the platinum blond bob for a couple of months but strangers kept coming up to me to ask if I was a stripper. It was a bit over the top!

  • At 8:01 AM , Anonymous Average Jane said...

    My hair disasters could fill a book. The worst, I think, was when I went in for my most adventurous haircut/color combo to date. A shortish haircut with red highlights. I ended up with a straight up boy cut, red, with redder highlights. As a chunkier girl, short hair was a bad enough idea. Short hair the color of a red sharpie was even worse. Hence my fear of haircuts.

    I bet your hair looks tress-tacular! I can't wait to see your Carrie Bradhsaw do!

  • At 3:29 PM , Blogger uhavegot2bkidn said...

    I have long (past my shoulders) dark auburn naturally curly hair (Andie McDowell ain't got nuttin on me bee-yatch!) and for some reason many many years ago I decided I needed to be a blonde. Except...My reddish highlights came thru so strongly that my hair turned a horrible yellowish orange color. To add insult to injury, the dye burned my hair and made it so brittle I ended up having to cut it really short and start growing it out again. Not quite as short as the Brittany Spears head buzz but equally as hideous.

  • At 1:40 PM , Blogger WanderingGirl said...

    You're going to have to go to Salone-rehab to get over that. I'm glad you think it's cute!

  • At 2:08 PM , Anonymous Slick said...

    Ah, that's what I love about being male...

    I walk in, sit down, and say "a 1 on the sides and a 2 on top".

    10 minutes later, I'm in my car.

  • At 8:02 PM , Blogger Starboard Tack said...

    Sorry -- by shaving my head I no longer have "hair horror stories" ...

  • At 9:51 AM , Blogger John said...

    This one time, this girl I knew thought some seamen was hair gel and put it in her hair and it was soooo cuh-ray-zee!!!

    okay, that was a movie.

    but it would totally have rocked if I witnessed that irl.

  • At 10:21 AM , Blogger James Burnett said...

    What's up my favorite natural brunette? I was in NC most of last week, hiking the hills and later hanging out w/friends in Charlotte. Love it up there.

    Anyway, I have three hair horror stories - wouldn't think a guy with 1/8-inch long hair could have bad tales, but I do.

    First, when I was in junior year of high school I had the bright idea of growing my 'fro out so I could "shape" it into something cooler. My idea of cool was a high-top box hair cut, not quite as high as the eraserhead styles the guys in "House Party" wore. I thought I was the coolest cat around, but I forgot that I attended a high school where, shall we say, I was one of a kind. So my classmates thought my new 'do was great...for throwing paper airplanes into, or sticking pencils and other objects in my hair.

    My other hair horror story was also early '90s. It was on the tail end of the Jheri Curl popularity. A few guys under 20 were still wearing it. At the time though, the curl manufacturers were just starting to make "wave kits" for shorter hair cuts. It was like a lite curl. Anyway, I left one sitting in my hair too long when I was like 17, and nearly fried my scalp. My hair was so straight and shiny it was ridiculous. Even my parents clowned me for that one.

  • At 3:06 PM , Blogger Kait said...

    I had a short hair cut that spiked out in the back, but was longer in the front and would curl behind my ears attractively (yeah, a reverse mullet, so what?). I asked for this same hair cut, again, and I even had a picture (it was the same picture I had been using for years). But the dumb broad managed to cut my hair off ABOVE my ears. I was so mad - it took me three years to grow it out to the point where I didn't have this super annoying hard line of hair. Horrible. Oh, and I wanted her to do the tips bright fire engine red... and she ended up doing half of my hair Pumpkin Orange. Horrrrrrrible.

  • At 7:54 PM , Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

    I think I'm petrified of hair stylists because if I piss them off, they're just one swift chop from giving me a revenge mullet.

  • At 12:12 PM , Blogger CP said...

    Say Bloody Mary three times one day...just for giggles. Let it go. See if you can get past it.

    I finally did "Candyman" three times in a row...and I feel better about it now.


  • At 7:26 PM , Blogger James Burnett said...

    Um, I think I was drunk. I just realized I said I had three hair horror stories, and I only mentioned two. Oh well.

    What gives? Where are you? Having Bloody Marys, no doubt.

  • At 2:00 PM , Blogger Winter said...

    I recently went from blonde to a super dark brown, I now look like a mail-order russian bride.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home