123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Be Healed

"That guy is here because one of the dogs at PetSmart bit his face," I proudly announced to Matty, somewhere around Hour 2 in the Hagerstown community hospital waiting room.

At that point, we were convinced that Matty would see a doctor any minute for his dislocated shoulder, an unfortunate skiing accident. My eavesdropping skills served as a "fun" diversion, while Matty sat there shirtless and shivering, adorned with a suspect gauze sling fashioned by the snow patrol.

"Does it feel weird to sit around without your shirt on?" I wondered.

"No," he said, "because I'm not fat," which unfortunately hurt us in the end. Hordes of fat people with labored breathing and tummies pouring over their elastic waist bands cut to the front of the emergency line.

We had plenty of time to recap the day's events. I remember asking the paramedics at the ski lodge's first aid center, "Is there room for me to ride in the back of the ambulance with him?"

One of Podunk's finest scratched his beer belly through a t-shirt, sucked his tooth to remove what I imagine was a piece of gristle leftover from his scrapple sandwich from lunch and said, "Welp, they'd probly let you ride up front if ya wanted ta."

"AWESOME!!!," I thought to myself, "Maybe they will let me flash the sirens."

I looked at Matty, laid out on a stretcher in his blue socky feet, wearing a look that said, "Just get me drugs as soon as possible."

The paramedic made our decision for us. "Of course, yins could always drive him to the hospital your own selves. It'd be quicker, and it might be a more comfortable ride for him. With a dislocated shoulder like that, he ain't gonna want ta be bouncin' around in the back."

"Alright. Geez, I guess I'll sacrifice a ride in an ambulance for Matty's comfort and safety. Gah."

We needn't have hurried.

Near Hour 5 of the emergency room wait, the conversation dried up to point that I asked Matty, "If you had to eliminate one food group, which one would it be?" (Dairy or grains, he decided, by the way. I went for meat. This question may have actually been a step up from, "If you had to live without nipples or a belly button, which would it be?" We were divided on that one.)

We left the hospital with Matty not so much "healed" as placated with a prescription for pain pills.

While we waited for our skiing compatriots who would safely get us back home, we trudged through the streets of Hagerstown in search of our version of utopia: a Mexican restaurant called El Paso that offered drinks and food, in that order.

My margaritas were lethal, and coupled with the alcohol still left in my body from the night before, a 7 a.m. wake up call and the exhaustion that comes from worrying about someone you care for, I was drunk in a matter of nano seconds.

I am officially blaming this detail on the first fight in my and Matty's friendship. I awoke to confront him with an accusation: "You yelled at me last night, Matty, and told me to shut up."

"I didn't yell at you. I just asked you to stop whining," he countered.

"I wasn't whining," I whined. "I was expressing myself."

"You were expressing yourself in a whiny manner," he said. I couldn't argue with that. See, over the course of the evening, the head cold I fought off all last week won out, and I found myself drunk, tired and sick, which has only one conclusion: whining.

Thankfully, my friend, Theresa (who had a birthday yesterday! Wheeeeeee!), sent me an amazing selenite crystal used for healing purposes AND connecting with the dead. I tried to use it for Matty's shoulder, but he refused on the grounds that it was "flaky."

My Mom came through loud and clear, though, and told me that, if she were forced to, she'd rather have lived without a belly button. Also that it's not classy to steal surgical gloves.

How true. Had Matty been thinking, he could have been the proud owner of a crash cart, too. I'm not sharing.

In the Comments section, give Matty a get well wish and Theresa a birthday greeting. And/Or tell me if you've ever taken anything from a doctor's office. The winner gets Matty's hospital bracelet.

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  • At 9:26 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    Oh, Jesus. You're a good friend. I still owe you for that.

    Remember the Mist lookalike we saw? I hope her face freezes like that. I also appreciated the text from Barbara Jones: Y'all keep it real out there.

    But I think my favorite part was when we were leaving and the nurse told me I could put my shirt back on. I didn't want to.

  • At 9:27 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    Valerie, I pray that someday I'll be able to repay your kindness. Hopefully, something terrible will happen to you.

    Well, y'all have a good one!

  • At 9:35 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    Oh, and you forgot to mention those dope ladies' sunglasses I bought. I don't care if those rednecks were laughing at me.

    Run DMC forever, bitches.

  • At 9:39 PM , Anonymous Kirstin said...

    Gee sounds like you had quite the adventersme weekend. My adventures consisted of playing pool and looking at the puppies at Chaple Hill Mall.
    Oh i always steal the gloves!!! Not at teh docor's office, but at the er. It saves my oh I don't know, .50 cents, when I dye my hair. What's funny is i used to steal gloves to gloves to save 5o cents, now i pay $100 to have someone dye my hair. I make the same amount of money. i make no sense!!!!

  • At 9:41 PM , Blogger Lisa said...

    So much to discuss....

    a)I have been entertained far more often by my bellybutton, so take my nipples.

    b)I've never taken anything good from a dr.'s office. So instead, I'll tell you a story: When i went into surgery, they made me mark "NO" on the foot that wasn't getting cut open. You'd think they'd have written that down somewhere.

    c)giving up a food group is tough. I'd give up dairy b/c i'm lactose intollerant. Don't touch the legumes. No peanut butter could kill me.


    e) Feel better, Matty. And remember, Vicodin is measured by the pill, not the handful.

  • At 10:07 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Girl I take stuff home all the time from the hospital. Matter of fact today I snatched up some cool blue scrubs from the womens surgery dressing room! You wanna pair? I can hook u up!!

  • At 10:23 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Mattress, those glasses are so dope that Whitney Houston would try to smoke 'em. Thanks for stopping by the Hagerstown community hospital! Hope you enjoyed your stay!

    Your hair is worth every bit of that $100, K.

    Lisa Lisa, that foot thing is more disturbing than I have words for.

    FC&F, you KNOW I would. Matty and I spent a lot of timing looking at various scrubs. We liked the nurses who got creative with the teddy bears and the stars and stuff. What kind do you wear?

  • At 11:12 PM , Blogger Senor Caiman said...


    Don't hate me because I'm a handsome white male.

    Can you get Matty to say "baby"? Once he says baby smack him in the forehead and he will be healed.

    I just love a 3-berry blast smoothie with a cinnamon pretzel on my birthday and on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

  • At 12:05 AM , Blogger mist1 said...

    1. Crystals are flaky.
    2. Get well Matty.
    3. I steal crap from the hospital and my doctor's office all the time. Every time I run low on cotton swabs I make an appointment. I also have one of those orange reflex testing hammers.

  • At 5:19 AM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 5:22 AM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    arrgghhhh I deleted my own post, wtf!
    2nd try ...Feliz compleanos Theresa. Get well Matt. I take everything I can hide and carry from medical offices, I think my insurance covers it. I am building a new chicken coop with my latest box of tongue depressors. Crystals are akin to voodoo.

  • At 9:01 AM , Blogger Attention Whore said...

    Poor poor Matt...too skinny to get bumped to the front of the line...good to know that if I require medical attention toute de suite, I needn't worry as my ass is sure to get noticed first. (Must stop the french fry madness)

    And whining is absolutely just expressing yourself. I do it on a daily basis.

  • At 9:46 AM , Blogger you'dneverguess said...

    Happy Birthday Theresa!
    Matt, walk it off, just walk it off.
    I've never taken anything from a doctor's office. I once considered taking a speculum for the purposes of home gynecological exams, but decided against it.

  • At 10:21 AM , Blogger Matt said...

    senor is jealous. ;)

  • At 11:39 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I once stole a gigantic vaginal swab from the hospital. It looks like a 2 foot long Q-tip. I use it for a cat toy now.

    by the way, found you through Mist1's blog.

  • At 3:48 PM , Anonymous 123V said...

    Senor, I've got nuttin' but love for handsome people of all races. No worries--Matty and I just friends. No need to be jeluz, tho he does have a wicked huge cock.

    I'm flaky as a croissant, Mist. And just as delectable. I think my life would be complete with one of those hammer thingies. Good find, lady.

    Es Locura, "voodoo" and "Valerie" both begin with V. So do "vixen" and "vagina." Coincidence?

    AW, french fries make me happy to be alive. So do you, my Candian friend.

    Guess, if I knew I were going to get an orgasm at the end of a gyno's visit, I would go more often. Daily, even.

    Hi Pookie Sixx! Glad to have you! I wonder when the word "cat" took on a sexual conotation. For that matter the word "pussy." (Ugh. You're new so might not know I hate that word.) The female genitalia is universally known as a beaver, a cat, a clam and a flower. What the hell?

    Jam out with your clam out, I always say.

  • At 3:57 PM , Blogger you'dneverguess said...

    Jam out with your clam out!!!! I love it!
    We regularly use the following phrases in our home:

    bong out with your dong out
    nap out with your crap out
    sleep out with your beef out
    bunk out with your junk out

    And now I can add the clam one. Thank you!

  • At 4:29 PM , Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

    Boobs without nipples are just strange. If I had breast cancer I could never get the reconstruction-but-no-nipples thing so many of them do. *shudder*

    Besides, my belly buttons is this huge cavernous thing and I could do without being afraid that one of my friends will fall into it and never be heard from again.

  • At 4:43 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    I love emergency rooms... I've spent so much time in them.

  • At 8:21 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I usually wear solids or polka dots....I've been accused of having Rabbititis (Bugs Bunny joke).

  • At 8:29 PM , Blogger Senor Caiman said...


    I'm jealous. But does his fork off to the right about 4 inches out?

  • At 10:20 PM , Blogger Lee said...

    I can't beleive this is even a question!! What the hell does anyone need with a bellybutton?!

    Nipples now...nipples are very very useful.

    Crystals are not flaky. They are hard.

    I've never stolen anything from the doctor, cause I won't go. No matter what.

  • At 1:28 PM , Anonymous 123V said...

    Hy Biscuits, with a belly button like that, I pray that if we ever meet, I am waaaaay taller than you. I don't want to risk getting my head caught in there when we hug.

    Kristin, I always fantacize that I'm going to meet a doctor husband. Or at least one of the cute guys who works in the cafeteria.

    Dots, you say, FC&F? I wouldn't have thought that.

    Senor, about 7 inches out, it's tied in a pretzel knot.

    Lee Baby, nipples are useful. They could probably bring about world peace if we tried hard enough. Thank you for validating my flakiness. Last night, Matty did tell me that I should be an Astrological therapist, tho, so I think he's coming around.


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