123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I've Got it Covered

When I was a wee lass of about four, the last time I had brown hair as a matter of fact, I used to cover my nose with one hand while the other hand discretely rooted around for boogers.

Always advanced for my age, I thought I had devised a brilliant plan to keep people from guessing what I was doing under there. The funny thing is that, while I'm sure I fooled no one, especially given the infamous booger trail I left across the Continental United States from 1984 to 1986, I was never called out on it.

Because of the hygienic leeway afforded to me back then, I seem to have grown up believing that I can do whatever the hell I want now. Ya'll will be glad to know that I have graduated to tissues (most of the time), but I found myself in the grocery store tonight for my daily visit to the foodland paradise.

I'd just come from the gym, and my sweaty bra was hindering my shopping experience. Before I could even reason or talk myself out of it, I was shimmying out of my bra, expertly pulling it from out of my shirt like only a woman can (and possibly a few drag queens).

Lest you worry I was uncouth about the whole affair, I had the decency to duck behind the banana "tree" located in the cereal section, aisle 5. There was, however, a gentleman in the poultry section stationed caddywhompus to me. Let's just say he was going to get some drumsticks, but he picked up a package of breasts instead.

Yes! In the Comments section, tell me the last classy thing you did in public without thinking.



  • At 7:15 AM , Blogger Lee said...

    Hilarious! I do this move too, but usually it's in front of the TV and my kids. They just look at me like I'm a weirdo.

    Maybe and I'm a weirdo.

    Is flashing people with me titties a classy thing to do in public without thinking?

  • At 7:16 AM , Blogger Lee said...

    I don't know what's up with that extra "and". It wanted to be.

  • At 7:48 AM , Anonymous Dave said...

    I guess the last less than classy thing I did in public was having sex with a girlfriend. We were at the park during the day and one thing led to the other. Needless to say we gave all new meaning to the word (exposed)...

  • At 8:57 AM , Blogger Matt said...

    Where do I start?

    1. public urination
    2. failing to MAINTAIN conscousness in public
    3. public intoxication
    4. bird-flipping gesticulations
    5. mooning other motorists
    6. Fighting
    7. Oh, and that time I dropped the N-word on that other white guy, confusing him momentarily

    but best of all, receiving fellatio while driving!

  • At 10:47 AM , Blogger mist1 said...

    I can't remember the last time I wasn't classy. I am a class act. Especially yesterday when I asked for a discount on a pair of shoes that were already 50% off because they were the display model.

  • At 11:34 AM , Blogger Attention Whore said...

    well, having 20 orgasms in front of 800 people seems classy to me, but then again, I'm a whore.

  • At 11:54 AM , Blogger you'dneverguess said...

    Performing oral sex while Husband was driving, IMO, isn't NOT classy, but I also thought about it, so that doesn't count.
    Without thinking, I regularly belch pretty loudly. I always say excuse me though. Over the summer a few of us went skinny dipping at the lake and like 30 people from the Pine Lodge ended up coming to the lake at the same time. Needless to say, 30 people from the Pine Lodge got an eyeful of me running around in my birthday suit.

  • At 12:29 PM , Anonymous 123V said...

    Lee Baby, in my world it is.

    Dave, that is just plain hot. High five, my man.

    Matty, I forgot about the exhilaration of mooning strangers. Me thinks I have a new plan for the weekend ...

    That is definitely classy, Mist. Now, using a coupon, maybe not so much.

    AW, and a darn good one at that.

    Guess, three cheers for nakedness and not wearing underpants and eating Lays and peanut butter.

  • At 12:42 PM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    classy = moi I decided to re- enact the orgasm restaurant scene from when harry met sally at an art exhibit, I swear I thought I was whispering into the sweet guy's ear, someone (who looked just like me) turned up my volume, security asked us to leave, well, escorted us out was more like it. I should have never started writhing on the floor.

  • At 2:08 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    Hmmm... I'm not exactly classy. Ever. But I can't think of anything. I'm just boring, I guess.

  • At 4:01 PM , Blogger you'dneverguess said...

    Hip hip, hooray!
    Hip hip, hooray!
    Hip hip, hooray!

  • At 8:09 PM , Blogger Senor Caiman said...


    I hated the old man and his dog that lived next to me in my Clearwater Condo, so I purchased a timer that activated a screeching siren from 11pm to 6am. While this was going on I stayed in one of my other condo's. The guy was suffering from depression and this drove him into the hospital where he still is today. No more problem neighbor.

  • At 10:54 PM , Anonymous 123V said...

    Flipping security, Es Locura. Orgasms are welcome anywhere. I say, "Get over it, kids. It's 2007."

    K, you're super classy! Remember the cranberries in champagne? CLASSY.

    2, 4, 6, 8 who do we appreciate? You'd Never Guess, hey hey, You'd Never Guess. Whoo!

    Senor, I have to admit that I need a few more details before I can feel comfortable with this story. I typically enjoy old people, so I'm a bit confused. Enlighten me, if you would, Sir Gator. Also, please be sure you're wearing SPF 42, at least. Muchas gracias, senor guapo.

  • At 9:23 PM , Blogger James Burnett said...

    I farted in an elevator right before I stepped off and about half a dozen people stepped on.

  • At 10:23 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Classy Girl...you crack me up.

  • At 10:35 PM , Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

    My friend J, who used to be like my very best friend until he got a girlfriend and starting spending all his time with her that he used to spend hanging out with us (seriously...he actually thinks it's a better idea to stay in and have sex with her than go to Krispey Kreme with me at 3 in the morning! Go figure!), used to have belching contests. I can't burp on command, so it was kind of just whenever the urge and ability struck...he got an earful.

    Obviously, I was trying to seduce him.

    One morning we were at Denny's and I could feel a burp rumbling. I opened my mouth, sure that it would be a mid-sized burp, but nothing to write home about. Until the MONSTER OF ALL BELCHES escaped my mouth. I can't explain to you how loud this was. The whole room stopped talking for a minute and just started at me (undressing me with their eyes, no doubt).

    It's been like a year or two, but he still talks about that belch to this day.

    A few minutes ago I also scratched my butt in front of my window so all the old men sitting in the park could see.

  • At 10:13 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    James Burnett, there's no denying the digestive system.

    FC&F, that's a Grade A compliment coming from you.

    Hy Biscuits, maybe he should try sex with donuts?

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