Cramping My Style

I never believed it, but it's true: You should wait at least 30 minutes after eating before you swim.

Yesterday, I ate some cherries and a piece of provolone, and then went to swim a couple laps before dinner. Ten seconds into the first lap, my feet (both!) cramped up with an intensity that made in me exclaim, "Shit Fire Asshole!" just like my Nan does.

Now it's got me wondering if, in fact, there are chemicals that people use in their pool that react with urine, like my Dad always threatened. I have been positively frightened by the thought of a bright green chemical cloud billowing out from my crotch for 27 years because, I'll admit it, I pee in the pool. Not all of the time, but yes, sometimes.

There, I said it.

There's actually something else I was going to say, but decided against. I had this long, drawn out post about insecure people and their plots to drag me into their neurosis and how sometimes I have to write people off because they are just too broken for me to deal with.

It was kind of mean spirited, which indicates it was worthy, I think, of some karmic retribution because I didn't write it with a pure heart.

Then I thought, "I don't need the universe to kick my ass just because Persons X, Y and Z have serious issues. Let it go, 123V."

So, I am trying to let it go. There are crazy people in this world. There have always been crazy people in this world. And, sure as shit, there will always be crazy people in this world.

The best I can do is try not to join their wicked little club. So, here's my plan to deal with crazy people who are currently inhabiting my world:

1. Distance
2. Deflect
3. Dehydrate

Yep. After 7:30 p.m. Eastern, A.J. and I will be the proud owners of a Ronco Food Dehydrator for a mere $20. For our two-month anniversary, we are buying each other used kitchen appliances found on Craig's List (well, "like new! only taken out of the box for the picture!" appliances). We pick up our juicer on Sunday. Seriously.



The Turkey Jerky train's a-coming. Ya'll better get on board, cause we're bound for the Fruit Leather Express!

So, hey, I want to take a minute to send a sincere note of gratitude to those of you who made a little time to pray for/send energy to/think about Megan Jane. The tests came back, and all is well this time. Phew. Amen. Thank you, Jesus. Hallelujah.

Call me hokey or whatever, but prayer and collective energy do work. Thank you for your kindness.

How 'bout a round of Pomegranate Wheatgrass juice to celebrate?

No. How about not.

A.J. and I are also embarking on the mulberry-wine-making expedition tomorrow. In the Comments section, tell me what kind of wine you'd like us to attempt next. Oh, and also if you have a used kitchen appliance that you'd like to sell us.