123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Cramping My Style

I never believed it, but it's true: You should wait at least 30 minutes after eating before you swim.

Yesterday, I ate some cherries and a piece of provolone, and then went to swim a couple laps before dinner. Ten seconds into the first lap, my feet (both!) cramped up with an intensity that made in me exclaim, "Shit Fire Asshole!" just like my Nan does.

Now it's got me wondering if, in fact, there are chemicals that people use in their pool that react with urine, like my Dad always threatened. I have been positively frightened by the thought of a bright green chemical cloud billowing out from my crotch for 27 years because, I'll admit it, I pee in the pool. Not all of the time, but yes, sometimes.

There, I said it.

There's actually something else I was going to say, but decided against. I had this long, drawn out post about insecure people and their plots to drag me into their neurosis and how sometimes I have to write people off because they are just too broken for me to deal with.

It was kind of mean spirited, which indicates it was worthy, I think, of some karmic retribution because I didn't write it with a pure heart.

Then I thought, "I don't need the universe to kick my ass just because Persons X, Y and Z have serious issues. Let it go, 123V."

So, I am trying to let it go. There are crazy people in this world. There have always been crazy people in this world. And, sure as shit, there will always be crazy people in this world.

The best I can do is try not to join their wicked little club. So, here's my plan to deal with crazy people who are currently inhabiting my world:

1. Distance
2. Deflect
3. Dehydrate

Yep. After 7:30 p.m. Eastern, A.J. and I will be the proud owners of a Ronco Food Dehydrator for a mere $20. For our two-month anniversary, we are buying each other used kitchen appliances found on Craig's List (well, "like new! only taken out of the box for the picture!" appliances). We pick up our juicer on Sunday. Seriously.



The Turkey Jerky train's a-coming. Ya'll better get on board, cause we're bound for the Fruit Leather Express!

So, hey, I want to take a minute to send a sincere note of gratitude to those of you who made a little time to pray for/send energy to/think about Megan Jane. The tests came back, and all is well this time. Phew. Amen. Thank you, Jesus. Hallelujah.

Call me hokey or whatever, but prayer and collective energy do work. Thank you for your kindness.

How 'bout a round of Pomegranate Wheatgrass juice to celebrate?

No. How about not.

A.J. and I are also embarking on the mulberry-wine-making expedition tomorrow. In the Comments section, tell me what kind of wine you'd like us to attempt next. Oh, and also if you have a used kitchen appliance that you'd like to sell us.

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22 Comments:

  • At 4:34 PM , Blogger Winter said...

    I will go through my cabinet and see what I can find to send you as a gift.

     
  • At 5:15 PM , Blogger mist1 said...

    I think it's adorable that you two registered on Craig's List.

     
  • At 5:15 PM , Blogger dirty said...

    I was told that the cloud would be red...you know, when you pee in the pool? All pool water really is is urine and chlorine so I see it as no harm, no foul.

    I don't drink wine because every time I do, I wake up naked, with a headache and no memory what-so-ever of the previous evening. What's up with that?

     
  • At 5:23 PM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    I don't have any used/or like new stuff to send. but I do have mangos. I love wine, am happy you are so happy.

     
  • At 6:07 PM , Blogger Flat Coke and Flies said...

    You know I bet someone has got a snackster or something out there to sell you. Sorry no slightly used appliances here.

    How 'bout some watermelon wine.

    Glad you stopped by my place today.

     
  • At 7:24 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    Valerie,

    WHO are these people who continue to torment you with their broken-ass selves? Wow. You know a lot of characters....

    Peace out to Ms. Barbara Jones.

     
  • At 8:48 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    It all melted away when I saw the news about Megan Jane...

    Happy anniversary, kiddo. Don't let the crazies get you down.

     
  • At 4:09 AM , Blogger Akelamalu said...

    Fantastic news about Megan.

    Obviously this love affair is serious, start compiling your wedding present list now. Put me down for a kitchen appliance! x

     
  • At 6:59 AM , Blogger My Reflecting Pool said...

    a juicer and a dehydrater. thats all anyones kitchen needs!

     
  • At 10:55 AM , Blogger Around My Kitchen Table said...

    I have a portable rotisserie thing I bought on the spur of the moment about a month ago. I had it delivered to my mother's house because I'm at work in the day. I duly went and collected it - and it's still in its cardboard box in the boot (that's the trunk to you Americans!) of the car! I'd gladly send it to you but I think the postage from Devon, England, to Maryland, USA, might be a tad expensive. This is my first visit and I really like your blog.

     
  • At 11:08 AM , Blogger Stacy said...

    I am happy your prayers have been answered. The water in the pool will not change colors when you pee, unless you drink pomegranate juice or wine, thought you ought to know.
    I would like to know about meade making. If you do it, please let me know- buzz like hash.

     
  • At 12:31 PM , Blogger lorelai236 said...

    Give Megan a big hug from me!! When is she coming back?

    Lady, it's only 1:30, but I'm 'bout ready to get my crab on!! ;)

     
  • At 6:50 AM , Blogger Love Monkey said...

    shit fire asshole. God, I love that. May I quote Nan from time to time??? (mostly during rush hour)

    Your plan for toxic people is a great one. I've been doing that for years (ok, maybe months) and it's working.

    I have a circa 1974 microwave popcorn popper that I'm never parting with - keep your eyes peeled on Craigs for one of these.

     
  • At 9:57 AM , Blogger EJ Takes Life said...

    I think some dandelion wine is in order next! I remember hating that book when I read it as a kid, but I bet you two can spice it up.

     
  • At 4:55 PM , Blogger Lee said...

    Good for you rising above the fray. I'll go dig around for an appliance. This'll be fun.

     
  • At 7:16 PM , Blogger Woodrow said...

    I have a steamer that my momma gave me six years ago and is still in the box. I've moved twice since then. Just keeping hauling the damn thing wherever I go.

     
  • At 11:17 AM , Blogger Spellbound said...

    Blueberry, definitely. I get some from Hilltop Farms that is to die for. I am out of my kitchen appliance phase so you may have your choice of my waffle iron, electric egg poacher, toaster oven, or wok. Less cooking and more eating out has been working well for me.

    My mother was paranoid about people peeing in her pool. She made my father test it after anyone swam before she would get back in, and swore she could tell if someone went. I took my kids out every fifteen minutes and made them use the toilet, even though I don't think a little pee ever hurt anyone.

     
  • At 7:42 PM , Blogger soubriquet said...

    Some years ago... A group of friends got into the habit of booking the sauna at our local pool, after work once a week.
    One of our number was a bit of a prankster, and really he was overdue for a bit of his own treatment. So I borrowed from work a little powder.
    Just a pinch, you know.. And put it in his swimming shorts whilst he was in the shower.
    Phil dived in the pool. Swam vigorously end to end... And left a purple trail... It wasn't too obvious until he stopped to rest.
    We were all crippled with laughter, except Phil.
    All the kids in the pool tightened up those bladder sphincters...
    Adults surreptitiously checked their crotches.
    We got chucked out. Barred. Even after explaining to the pool manager that it was only fluorescent drain tracing dye, highly visible, but non-toxic.
    It was worth it.
    I'm sure the rest of the swimmers get bladder-lock in water now. They've seen it. They know it's true.
    Your local plumber's supply store keeps drain tracing dye in a variety of colours. It's not expensive............

     
  • At 2:07 AM , Blogger CamiKaos said...

    mmmmmmmmmmmmm jerky

     
  • At 9:20 AM , Blogger My Reflecting Pool said...

    We do like fruit leather here. As for collective good thoughts, I am with you. They do work.

     
  • At 6:00 PM , Blogger AMR said...

    Just a friendly heads-up about the Ronco Food Dehydrator. It de-doesn't. Two words: Fruit flies. As in a big moving mass of them around the dehydrator as it contains your science experiment.
    Best to set-up in the garage if you need to see for yourself. Good luck!

     
  • At 2:50 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I've said it before, but it bears repeating:

    If you pick up somebody else's shit, you deserve it.

    -grampa

     

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