123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Hay Strangers

My sister married a country boy. He grows 700-pound pumpkins for the county fair, wears camouflage to church and can slaughter a pig. We love him.

We grew up in a part of the country where people showed their love and respect for each other by "tagging" things: overpasses, water towers, sheep, etc. Yes, I am from Ohio.

My brother-in-law's surname is Baker. Most of his friends call him Bake, though, because there is less chance that their dip will fall out of their mouth if they omit the last syllable, the "er." Fact. (Try it with your tongue where the tabaccer might go. I ain't lying.)

In any case, Bake is a highly regarded individual, so in several Southern Ohio locales, you can drive by and see "Hay Bake" on various structures, not limited to, but including, a natural gas pump, a corn silo and a Jeep Wrangler circa 1984 that's been parked in the same spot for nigh two decades. His friends, though very dear and quite skilled on four-wheelers, aren't so hot at grammar.

I'm sorry I've been absent, but as a show of my love for all of you, lookit what I did:

That's how we roll. You can take the girl out of Ohio, but you can't take the Ohio out of the girl. Nothing but the best for you.

I've been busy, kids. Good, but busy. In the past week I may or may not have:

1. Started a new job that is the secret to my eternal happiness
2. Played an open mic night without freaking out too much, thanks to my loverly friends
3. Ruptured my spleen from those crazy lol cats at I Can Has Cheezburger?
4. Cried liked a big, old baby and moped around because my darling Megan Jane is moving away so she can become Dr. Megan Jane
5. Peed my pants a little bit because Adele and Justin are coming into town for Justin's big art show
6. Had my heart broken and pieced together more than a few times
7. Eaten an entire salami by myself

Please forgive me if I'm not around a whole lot in the next few weeks, okay (largely due to that whole salami thing, I think)? Just know there is a water tower in suburban Maryland that's a shining beacon of my love and esteem for you.

In the Comments section, tell me how you roll.



  • At 11:52 AM , Blogger mist1 said...

    I used to have a cat named Baker. That was in the days before I chewed Tobaccy, so I didn't call him Bake.

  • At 12:10 PM , Blogger Uhave said...

    From one Ohio girl to another...I couldn't help but tear up when I remembered the time my high school crush wrote his undying love for me on our town's water-tower!
    *Sniff, sniff

  • At 12:31 PM , Blogger Akelamalu said...

    About the salami - did you eat it all in one go? That's cool!

  • At 1:09 PM , Blogger Lee said...

    The Brewbaker Twins were the most infamous taggers in rural Illinois. I never got to tag. I was grounded.

  • At 2:17 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Salami...nuff said.

  • At 3:21 PM , Blogger Hey Pretty said...

    Having gone to college in Ohio, I hope that I roll like an honorary Ohioan. God, I love Ohioans. Barring that, I roll head over heals. In fact, I am rolling head over heals as I type this.

  • At 4:44 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    You totally rocked the open mic. That's all I've got to say.

  • At 5:14 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Isn't that crazy basket building in Ohio???

  • At 5:42 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    Peas, Val.

  • At 6:43 PM , Blogger Senor Caiman said...


    Tough luck with the ruptured spleen. I knew a really white girl who had a ruptured spleen and the scar from the procedure looked like a yawning dog's head.

  • At 7:28 PM , Anonymous Kirstin said...

    So I said I would call back and one thing lead to another and I Have not called back I will I swear. I hate being so freaking busy. 3 jobs is going to be the death of me I swear!!!...I had Nikolas listening to your music the other day, and tonight he heard me talking about your show and asked if we could go see it. I was like oh eah sure we'll fly out tomorrow after I get off work. He thought I was serious. Poor kid he got my naive gene!!!...where's meg going?

  • At 8:04 PM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    I am puerto rican, grew up in brooklyn and lived in both boston and ny, the accent thing gets me, but I can roll my Rrrrr's like crazy.

  • At 9:40 PM , Blogger James Burnett said...

    I was a dork in high school. Me and my nerd buddies tagged things "Kilroy was here," with the accompanying cartoon of the Ziggy-looking guy peeking over a wall. We had no idea what it meant, and I still don't. I think we saw it in a WWII era cartoon or something. So somewhere in Southeast Virginia there are still a few buildings, I'm sure, bearing that Kilroy tag.

    Good luck with the salami. And I love Ohio. I used to spend a week every summer in the Xenia/Beaver Creek area.

  • At 11:05 PM , Blogger Woodrow said...

    There's a water tower in my hometown that overlooks the high school football field. All my life it was covered in graffiti. Until my senior year when the city decided to give it a fresh coat of paint. I looked all clean and pretty for a couple of weeks until me and two buddies decided to leave our mark. It's still there, ten years later. Our masterpiece in Krylon.

  • At 6:32 AM , Blogger Spellbound said...

    I think we have established that the place Southern Ohio farm boys go to slum is Western KY. It's also where my sister lives with her husband. He's the one who gave up farming for coal mining and has been selling used cars since Peabody Mines left the state. He talks just like Boomhower on King of the Hill, I swear, I only get about 1 word out of ten. I climbed the water tower in high school, but I think that's before they invented spray paint. This week I am nursing my cracked ribs, cleaning up before my girl arrives on Sunday, and packing for a trip to exciting Michigan.

  • At 3:58 PM , Blogger Erica AP said...

    Open mics are nerve racking!!! Especially when it's just you on the stage... Good for you!!

  • At 3:37 PM , Blogger emertron said...

    my bff & i wrote our names in wet cement freshman year in high school & were paranoid for the next year that we would get caught & put in jail. yeah, there isn't much going on in the suburbs. plus, we were pretty dumb because there are about 157 emilys & 259 katies what went to our hs. how could we have gotten caught?

  • At 2:20 PM , Blogger Stacy said...

    I roll with a massive Neon Green Sharpie- my tag-Yure it

  • At 8:24 AM , Blogger Hideous said...

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 8:25 AM , Blogger Hideous said...


    In the Comments section, tell me how you roll.

    I roll gloomily?

    I don't mean to.

    I'll cheer up. I will!


  • At 8:15 PM , Blogger Benjamin said...

    Maryland sounds well fucked up, actually. Not just this blog. Please keep having fun x

  • At 2:14 AM , Blogger Kevin said...

    Too funny.


  • At 1:49 PM , Anonymous Slick said...

    I feel so honored that you'd tag whatever the hell that is, just for me. :)

  • At 4:42 PM , Blogger Winter said...

    Post something please.

    No seriously I'm having withdraws.


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