If I Were a Porn Star, I'd Be 'Community Chest'

I have a history of "showing my ass," as the ladies from Flavor of Love/Charm School like to say.

Usually it involves a lot of wine. Case in point: Sunday evening, A.J. was over and I somehow managed to drink nigh to two bottles of wine by myself.

See, my pretties, there are few things floating around in 123V's world that are causing some distress. It's not prudent or fair for me to tell you any details becuase they don't involve just me.

But, I can say that if you've got some spare prayers, and you could send them Megan Jane's way, that would be most appreciated. And maybe just a tiny request that the universe provide a little evidence for me (either way, Universe--I just want this settled) because I know it's hard for most people who are not named 123Valerie to accept my "gut reaction" as proof of anything.

In any case, the world is a flutter, and as is my custom, I tend to drink too much when things go awry. It's so much easier than dealing with problems, no?

Well, not when you're poor A.J. who must listen to me blather on and cry and say mean things in a tone thick with wine.

I woke up the next morning foggy, but rightfully sheepish. Do you know what the boy said? "It's okay. I took away some good points from what you said."

Well, I'll be. So handsome and a heart of gold, too. I guess it goes without saying that A.J. is NOT one of the things currently amiss.

We all get one Get Out of Jail Free Card, kids. Since I've done used mine up, and quite frankly I'm getting tired of so many turns around the board, I'm going to stop playing the game for a bit. Because at the end of the day, drinking too much is a lot like Monopoly money--having it makes you feel good in the moment, but as soon as the game is over, it's entirely worthless.

My pretties, 123Valerie is going to lay off the sauce for a good bit.

I know. Crazy, isn't it? By good bit, I just mean until Mist 1 comes up here to visit in early August or I stop thinking of drinking as my "go to" when things go bad, whatever comes first. It seems like a good idea to head off any problems at the pass.

It feels weird to write that and it makes me a little shaky, but you know, I owe it to myself and all those around me who suffer the brunt of my inability to cope.

In addition to much-needed clarity and rejuvination, A.J. and I are also on a tear to lose a few pounds--nothing crazy, 15 and 10 respectively. I figure the time I am not drinking, I can be doing crunches and squats.

But please, my pretties, let me know if I become one of the those people, okay?

If we can do it in two months, our reward will be a romantic getaway at the Eastern Shore's only legal nude beach: Gunnison Beach in Sandy Hook, New Jersey!

We're gonna be hanging our with our wang out and jamming out with our clam out with our new hot bods, ya dig?

Come on, ya'll--you know I wouldn't leave you on a heavy note. It's Tuesday, for Pete's sake.

In the Comments section, let us know if we can help you with anything.