123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Shouldering the Burden

Other people have sports injuries, or God-forbid war injuries. I have drinking injuries.

When the weather turns colder, as it's apt to do in mid-December, my right shoulder always starts blazing with pain. We can thank a cat named Jason Smith for that. Actually, we can also thank a cat named Jim Beam for that.

The year was 2003. We were at the retirement party of a pilot/friend Pete, who at 60 had timed out and now had to sit on the sidelines with his Phillapina girlfriend, Ponga. Pete loved Ponga in ways that were uncomfortable and unsettling to most of us.

"I tell ya, last night Ponga and I were having sex, and I could just taste the garlic from dinner coming from her nipples."

Take a minute to think about that.

Okay, back to my drunken mishaps: I was in the cups, and Jason Smith had his back turned to me, so I did what anyone would have and got a running start to jump on his back, assuming he would catch me.

He did not.

I vaulted over him, flipped and landed on my back with a distinct "Ooof!"

(I am purposely ignoring the opening for an "on my back" joke here because I'm really not in the best light as it is, but feel free to come up with your own.)

Anyhoo, I got back up and punched Jason Smith in the tummy for missing me, because it was totally his fault. Totally.

And ever since, on cold, damp days, I wake up and start looking for the Bengay.

Damnit, I know there's a joke in there somewhere, too.

In the Comments section, tell me about your lingering injuries.

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16 Comments:

  • At 7:52 AM , Blogger lorelai236 said...

    I imagine Jack Daniels could beat up Mr. Beam.

     
  • At 8:39 AM , Anonymous krok65 said...

    Valerie,

    I always get a hardon when a woman smells like Ben Gay.

    I have no physical issues in the dry winter, unfortunately the pus-filled cavity dries up but at least my lips are chapped and bleeding.

     
  • At 10:13 AM , Blogger country roads said...

    I have an arthritic hand that was broken while streaking in the rain for a 12 pack of Milwaukee's Best.

     
  • At 4:47 PM , Blogger Mel said...

    When I was 10, I stepped on glass chasing my cousin with a water balloon. My parent's said "you don't need no stinkin' stiches" it never healed correctly so now when I run for long periods of times it hurts like a mofo.

     
  • At 5:37 PM , Blogger r cubed said...

    I wake up with mysterious bruises after drinking but have no lingering injuries. Unless I count the vodka-filled void that was my self-esteem; it flairs up when the weather changes.

     
  • At 10:45 AM , Anonymous Franki said...

    My only lingering injury appears to be that fookin' catholicism. ;)

     
  • At 10:52 AM , Blogger My Reflecting Pool said...

    It seems I am less prone to injury when drunk. Maybe I bounce or something.

    That garlic thing is gonna stick with me for a while. gag.

     
  • At 11:12 AM , Blogger Evil Genius said...

    Mardi Gras '97 - sprained ankle, broken heart, stolen wallet. One of my best weekends ever!

     
  • At 2:38 PM , Blogger pistols at dawn said...

    I once obtained a similar injury en route to a hardcore show, trying to hug this Dartmouth French exchange student I'd spend hours per day talking to. I put my arms around her from behind, she instantly bent at the waist, which could have been really hot in most situations, but in this particular one flipped my over into a Boston street.

    No lingering injuries except for my pride.

     
  • At 2:57 PM , Blogger WendyB said...

    I'm still pondering garlic nipples.

     
  • At 3:24 PM , Blogger Woodrow said...

    Two bum shoulders from playing footballn and an always aching neck from that time I was drunk driving and took out a windshield with my forehead.

     
  • At 7:41 PM , Blogger Some Goofy Woman said...

    This is going to shock you, but I, too, was once drunk. My poor left ankle was no match for the cobbled streets of Savannah. It twisted so far it touched the stone road. I said "Ow!" and walked it off. It hurt for WEEKS. I had no insurance so I was fucked.

    Was that funny? No. Sorry. I'll try harder next time.

    I too love how Franki uses "Fook." Fookin hilarious.

    -AD

     
  • At 7:50 PM , Anonymous krok54 said...

    Valerie,

    I have a slight muscle sprain and I was applying Ben Gay and I thought of you.

    I want to get you married in the next year. Lets get down to business. Do you have rich parents or are you the entire package?

    I also need your friends to talk candidly about your wardrobe. Have a post where your friends discuss your fashion sense. I have a feeling we have some work to do here.

     
  • At 12:38 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Lorelai, I think you could beat up Jack Daniels, if you wanted to. Not that you would, though.

    Krok, there's something about that mentho-lyptus smell, isn't there? You should take Omega-3 supplements to stave off chapped lips. My astrologer told me not to expect to get married until later in life--at least until after my 29th birthday, which will be in March 2009. This year's about my dreams. My parents are very comfortable, but I wouldn't say rich. If I had gambling debts, they could help, I suppose. I do have a unique fashion sense, but since I like to show my cleavage, people give me a lot of liberty.

    CRJ, that was a good story--I 'member that one. Leave the link for the nice folks.

    Mel, I'm sorry, honey, I couldn't get the Annnie Lennox song out of my head so it took me a while to read this. Did your folks really say "stinkin'"? That's awesome.

    R cubed, as noted earlier, I like you. Please be kind to yourself, drunk or sober--no need for fisticuffs. Handcuffs, however, are an entirely different story ...

    Fookin catlicks, Franki baby. I still wish I had my uniform, though. Super hot.

    Pool, years later it still makes my mouth well up with the pre-vomit spit. You know what I'm talking about.

    Evil Genius, do you need a travel buddy, buddy?

    PAD, don't worry--she, later blew me off, too. Bitch.

    WendyB, breastfeeding has been difficult for me ever since.

    Woodrow, for some reason, nothing smarmy is coming. Glad you're okay, dude.

    Goof, I like "fook" too. If we turned your name around, we could say "foog" which is also pretty funny. Foog.

     
  • At 8:43 AM , Anonymous krok1 said...

    Valerie,

    Ahh soo, you are single by choice, I was just going to help you out.

    You are reaching the end of your hot days for a woman at 29. You don't want to delay too much longer.

    When you get serious about guys we need to visit a professional hair stylist and a make-up professional, don't hate me because of my good looks.

    Have a great day.

     
  • At 10:04 PM , Blogger Evil Evil Genius said...

    Re: travel buddy

    My passport is expired and the list of states I am "no longer welcome in" keeps getting longer, but other than that, sure!

     

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