123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Grease

I must have rocketed past the time/space continuum because here it is, the second day of our Lord's year 2008, and I'm still stuck on Christmas.

Stay with me, though. I think you'll appreciate this.

As noted earlier, I spent some time in small-town Ohio, where Megan Jane and I are from. We went to a local watering hole that, naturally, used to be the town's ice cream parlor, also equally revered for its waffle fries. Naturally.

Now, it's just a place to get cheap drinks and cheap girls, but during the evening, we got some priceless photos. If a picture is worth a thousand words then, my pretties, I am a gazillionaire.


Meet my new friend. I never actually got his first name, but we called him simply and beautifully, Victor Mustachio. It's been a long, long time since I've seen anyone brave the long permed hair with bangs, probably circa 1987. Too long, if you ask me.


He is the lead singer and brightest star of a kick-ass (no, really) classic rock cover band. I don't want to tell you the whole name in case Victor Mustachio googles the band and sees me and—boom—I have a stalker. No, thank you. I can't handle all of that lovin'. But I will tell you that the word "grease" is in their name. That's really all that you need to know.

But speaking of stalking, it took a little finesse getting this close to such a wild animal.

We started from afar.


And moved ever closer, our bodies propelled by the heat and motion of a bitchin' cover of Layla.

He's on to us! Quick, turn on the charm! Megan and I tag teamed him, gave him the old razzle dazzle, and love blossomed in Ohio. He sang a song for me, but neither Megan Jane nor I can remember what it was. It must have debilitated all of my neural processes with its loveliness because I am sure it had nothing to do with Jim Beam.

The only thing left to do was start a massage train.

Yeah, seriously. But amid the back rubs and kneading, something went horribly wrong. Victor Mustachio must have gotten hold of some peyote backstage.

After a while, he and his tambourine just got ... a ... little ... bit ... slower ... than everyone else. He looked, and probably felt, like this:


Every once in a while, he'd sit down on his stool, nod off and jerk awake when a particularly nasty riff came about.

"Oh, he's seeing The Rattler. Ssssssss," Megan Jane sagely said. He was, indeed, seeing The Rattler. He felt the bite of the good stuff. The sasparilla. The hot dog heaven.

But I tell you, his music was like a bee sting--you almost didn't know that it had gotten inside of you until you felt the pain after he left. Damn.

Victor said the next stop up the road was Burlington, Vermont, so all you New England ladies, let me tell you something right now: If you see this fine thing coming your way, give him the love, respect and deep conditioner he deserves.

Well into the next day, Megan Jane and I still couldn't recall the song he sang for me, so we pulled in the help of her brother who wasn't actually there -- surprisingly to no avail.

In the Comments section, tell me what song you think Victor Mustachio sang for me. The winner gets the hand towel soaked with his sweat that I stole when he was passed out.

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23 Comments:

  • At 11:53 PM , Blogger CamiKaos said...

    I'm torn between Superfreak, Brickhouse and Pretty Woman.. so I totally can't win.

     
  • At 12:13 AM , Blogger Woodrow said...

    Gimme All Your Lovin'

     
  • At 12:19 AM , Blogger WendyB said...

    Oh, it HAD to be Bon Jovi's Wanted Dead or Alive.

     
  • At 5:31 AM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    eewww I am stuck on the sweaty towel and can't get past it long enough to think of a song, but wanted to say Hey uno dos tres, besos.

     
  • At 6:50 AM , Blogger Sai Hijara - Ferraris said...

    I echo wendyb! :P

     
  • At 9:55 AM , Blogger paperback reader said...

    Aaaaaanyway you want it, that's the way you need it.

    I need to befriend this dude for several reasons, one of which is that he would make the Cryptkeeper look young and fresh-faced.

     
  • At 12:32 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    I don't know but it makes me wanna head back to small-town Ohio. It also makes me wonder if I know Victor Mustachio from a previous life.

    Everything I do, I do it for you...

     
  • At 12:41 PM , Blogger Peter said...

    "he's seeing The Rattler."

    HA!

    I vote for "Smoke On The Water."

    Always.

     
  • At 12:55 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I think he sang to you Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy". You little minx, Valerie, you!!

     
  • At 1:08 PM , Blogger Nina said...

    I, too, am stuck on Christmas. I say he sang that lovely old Guns and Roses ballad "Patience". Am I right?

     
  • At 1:41 PM , Blogger country roads said...

    What I wouldn't give for hair like that.

     
  • At 3:08 PM , Blogger Emily Maple said...

    Green Eyed Lady.

     
  • At 3:11 PM , Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

    Well I think the obvious song he sang would be:

    Greased Lightening"

    but that would be too easy, so let me throw a few more out there:

    I'm the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

    Mah Teeth are Stained, but mah Heart was Pure

    At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self-Service Pump

    I Wish I Were a Woman (So I Could Go Out With a Guy Like Me)

    There Ain’t Enough Room in my Fruit of the Looms to Hold All My Lovin’ for You

    It Ain’t Love But It Ain’t Bad

    If my Nose were full of nickels, I'd blow it all on you.

    I Only Have Eyes For You, But Look What I’ve Got For Your Sister


    Any of those ring a bell?

     
  • At 6:31 PM , Blogger M@ said...

    ...Mustache envy.

     
  • At 8:21 PM , Blogger Del-V said...

    Is that Super Mario?

     
  • At 5:55 PM , Blogger Lorelai236 said...

    I hope he sang black magic woman.
    You work dat magic, lady! :)

     
  • At 6:45 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I will yell behind me as I run for the hills: Maggie Mae? How about Janies got a gun? or maybe with that hair, he did Sister Christian?

     
  • At 8:33 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Let's see...a love song to a lovely red-headed lady.

    Lady in Red?

    Little Red Corvette?

    Do Wa Diddy?

     
  • At 12:26 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Girl...get down here NOW and away from VICTOR!!! We've got hottie Mchottie singers that will seduce you into 2020!!!

     
  • At 3:59 PM , Blogger Leonesse said...

    I don't believe you were in the midwest. I think you were in my town. This goes for hot, fresh inner-taynmint around here.

     
  • At 12:11 PM , Blogger CamiKaos said...

    well what song was it???

     
  • At 11:11 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    CamiK, you're always a winner with me. I think they did do Superfreak, but it wasn't directed at me. For Shame.

    Woodrow, they did do some Z.Z., man! But again, not my song. thanks for playing.

    WendyB, there was a suprising deficet of Bon Jovi. It's not right.

    Es L, hello, lovey. I was just kidding about that, if it makes you feel better. I think anything by Keith Sweat would be appropriate, though.

    MariP, again, it's not right. Where's The Jovi?

    PAD, they both keep me awake at night for differnent reasons. Hiyo!

    Kristin, it was singularly weird sitting in Brighton's drinking bourbon. We missed you.

    PDW, she comes up with some good ones, don't she. Surprisingly, they didn't do Smoke on the Water because they were too busy smoking on the water bong, I think.

    Rawwwrr, Suze. That is way better than being called a cow. thank you, miss.

    Nina, no GNR! Would you believe it? I can see those lips whistling, too. What a loss.

    CRJ, in about 12 years' time and 900 perm rods, we can make that happen for you, babe.

    Em, that is such a good guess. They did Brown Eyed Girl, of course, but no dice.

    EA, wow, you definitely get extra credit. Sadly, none of those are it. Maybe you can catch these guys in your travels.

    Matty, tell me about it. I considered testosterone shots for a hot minute.

    Del-V, he was definitely eating some magic mushrooms, my friend.

    Lorelai, I learned it from you, lady! Whoooo! Your song is Sean Paul's "Shake That Thing!"

    Pool, I think the original line up of Night Ranger was there, but sadly no Sister Christian.

    Franki Baby, if you were there, your song would be "You Shook Me All Night Long." Yes!

    FC&F, I can hardly contain myself, lady.

    Leonesse, are you suggesting that Victor isn't fresh and hot everywhere? They knock 'em dead in Burlington, Vermont. He SAID so!

    CamiK, this was an exercise in futility because I truly have no idea, but it sure was fun, wasn't it?

     
  • At 4:55 PM , Blogger Bethie said...

    Victor Mustachio might find a home at this site I know about...
    www.mulletsofappalachia.blogspot.com
    except that if geography serves me, your region of ohio is outside appalachia. dang.

    i hope he sang "don't stop believin'"

     

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