123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Coming to a Town Near You -- Provided You Live in Kentucky, Ohio or Pennsylvania

For Christmas, everyone is getting homemade beef jerky this year.

Well, not my Nan—Polygrip is no match for my barbecue jerky. But everyone else.

Wait. Not the little ones. I got them toys. Correction: I will get them toys. I hope. I haven't really started shopping yet.

I'm always one of those fools out at the 7-Eleven at noon on Christmas Eve: "Sanjay, do you think a five-year-old would like 'Mountain Pine' or 'Very Vanilla' better?"

Invariably, I go with the vanilla-scented freshener for my nephew's 12-Volt Jeep Wrangler by Fisher Price, while I choose "New Car Scent" for my other nephew's Radio Flyer.

I pick up my niece a copy of Cosmopolitan because it's never too early to start teaching young girls to hate themselves and to bring home the message that "Boys get to have fun and drive things, while you stay home and put on makeup."

Whatever the outcome, I am always reminded that putting off my Christmas shopping until the very last minute is a poor decision.

In my life, I have made many other poor decisions, not limited to but including:

1. Going home with Ryan
2. Attempting to go to cosmetology school
3. Signing the waiver for Girls Gone Wild: Miami Heat
4. Going home with Ryan again
5. Going home with Ryan's sister
6. Affixing bumper stickers to my cars

My pretties, while all of these mistakes have left me with some degree of regret, none are so sticky as my choice in bumper stickers. Well, maybe number 5.

Anyhoo, friends, the point is that I put bumper stickers on my car and, generally speaking, they are stupid.

It started innocently enough with my first car—a 1988 Nissan SX. "Go Devils!" Okay. No problem there. School spirit. Hoo rah.

My problem progressed, however, for my next automobile, a 1996 Ford Aspire I affectionately called Maggie or The Ass Pirate, depending on my mood. The first bad bumper sticker declared "Happiness is Loving a Dog." Yes, kids, I actually had that on my car.

It got worse when I joined a human rights volunteer group a year later and ended up with "Stop Hate Crimes: Honor Diversity" on the back of my Easter-egg mobile. Now, to be fair, both are good messages, but OH MY GOD, could I have been any more of a twag? I really don't think so.

So, with my next "grown up" car, a rapidly declining Oldsmobile Alero still in my possession, I decided no bumper stickers because it has a spoiler.

Even I don't understand my rationale there, but it lasted all of six months until I was at one of my favorite local dive bars, Rascal's Saloon, and it was "Wild Women Wednesday." Except, if memory serves, it was actually a Tuesday, but it's a minor detail, I suppose.

The point is, I got a free T-shirt and a bumper sticker proclaiming "Wild Women Don't Get the Blues."

Well, I'd had some drinks. Is anyone really surprised where this is going? I didn't think so. That bumper sticker was slapped on my car's ass quicker than I was slapping Ryan's sister's ass.

Not too long after, my sister coerced me into adding a Kerry/Edwards 2004 sticker, where it stayed until this very June—that is nigh three years or so AFTER the election passed. So, while the dreams of our country vanished, that Kerry/Edwards sticker remained, I am sad to say.

Until my friend, T, sent me bumper stickers advertising her glass-blowing business with the catchy tag line, "Glass Antixx: Get Blown" which is what every young professional should have on her auto. Now, T's sticker is kind of covering up the politico sticker.

Pretty much all I need is a pot leaf decal on my rear view and then I can get pulled over on suspicion anytime I want to. I guess I could use it as a way to meet guys.

Truly, I love T and her beautiful artwork, so I'm happy to bring the masses to her anyway I can. If I'm lucky, I just might see T this holiday week. As Pistols at Dawn rightfully pointed out, I am embarking on a Rust Belt Tour: Holiday Edition.

First, I'm zipping over to Kentucky to see said Nan with dentures.

Then up to Southern Ohio to spend some time with Megan Jane and her clan.

Then up to mid-Ohio for time with Bonita, Corina, Janee (accent about the e) and Kirstin.

Then up to Northern Ohio to hang with my sisters and our crazy reclusive uncle, and I hope the very preggers Kristina Hot Pants.

And then on to Pittsburgh for a good time with Al Bal and (I hope) some of my other D.C. Sisters.

And then I'm gonna circle out to the Grand Tetons.

So, this Christmas, as millions of children peek out their windows into the dark, snowy night to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus, some very lucky kidders in the Rust Belt may get a special surprise when they see a zippy Oldsmobile roar by, and they'll fall asleep with the words "Get Blown" dancing in their heads.

I hope you all get blown tonight, and every night. Happy Holidays.

In the Comments section, tell me about your bumper stickers, and let me know if you want an "official" Glass Antixx bumper sticker.

Winter sends people postcards; I will send you a bumper sticker.



  • At 1:04 AM , Blogger Woodrow said...

    I aint got none. Sorry. I hope you'll still love me.

  • At 1:36 AM , Blogger Nina said...

    I don't have a car. But I used to date a guy we'll all Foster, and the ONE thing we agreed on is that we'd never put a bumber sticker on the car that said "my kid is an honor student at Blah Blah middle school." We were snobs.

    (I think he might have had the one about whirled peas).

  • At 9:25 AM , Blogger Kristin said...

    I'm not a bumper sticker girl. No tattoos, either. I'm lame. I do, however, wish you the happiest of holidays!

  • At 11:41 AM , Blogger pistols at dawn said...

    I once got out of a ticket while driving incredibly dangerously because years earlier, my father, in a hot-sauce-induced drunken fit, slapped an "I Heart Tobasco" bumper sticker on the car.

    However, my friend spraypainted his car to be punk as hell, put stickers all over it, and spent his 20s getting pulled over every week.

  • At 12:12 PM , Blogger r cubed said...

    I lack the passion to actually have my own bumper stickers. But I do like this one:
    "You! Out of the gene pool!"

    Since I've had the good sense not to breed, I feel qualified to make that decision for others as well.

  • At 12:41 PM , Blogger country roads said...

    I don't have any either, but I HATE those honor student stickers. I've been thinking about getting a couple, but I stick them on the glass...they're easier to remove then.

    Although, my motorcycle helmets were covered in stickers...my favourite one said "don't ask to ride my bike, and I won't ask to ride your bitch."

    I'm classy like that.

    Have a great and safe trip!!

  • At 2:12 PM , Anonymous Franki said...

    I got a couple but stuck em on the glass where i can razorblade them off. One says, "Nice Hummer, Sorry about your Penis". Another says, Coexist. And I can't freaking remember the others.

    That was a hilarious post by the way.

  • At 5:05 PM , Blogger CamiKaos said...

    my only bumper sticker says "EAT A LIME"

  • At 5:37 PM , Blogger UBH, Baby! said...

    "I park like an idiot" on the back of my BMW GS ADV has saved me from myriad tickets at the hands of the CPD for doing exactly that....parking like an idiot.

  • At 5:59 PM , Blogger lorelai236 said...

    Thank you, hankerchief-waving boobs. We salute you.

  • At 11:24 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I am safely arrived and enjoying KY. Let's hope that takes on multiple meanings.

    Woodrow, I probably love you more.

    Nina, have you considered wearing bumper stickers on your butt as a fashion statement?

    Kristin, you are not lame. I have seen lame tattoos before. Happy holidays to you, too, darlin'.

    PAD, you reminded me of my Ford Tempo that I pasted "Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty" on. That got me out of several tickets, but your tobbasco story wins.

    RRR, from now on, all of my bumper stickers will need to be approved by you. I know when to ask for help.

    CRJ, thanks for the holiday wishes, dude, and if you do decide to go the glass route, please don't be like the twag who puts them up with Scotch flipping tape. I'd hate to have to kick you, mon friar.

    Franki Baby, the Hummer sticker is hilarious, and yet so true. I don't even bother with the finger penis test for those twags.

    CamiK, OF COURSE it does. That's rich. I love it!

    UBH, that is a brilliant strategy. Brilliant. Also, that was a lot of capitol letter in a row: BMW GS ADV

    Lorelai, you're so right! Ha--my breasts are, indeed, fair maidens. Love you, lady!

  • At 8:34 AM , Anonymous krok5 said...


    This post is really revealing of your inner-self. Don't get mad at me because I'm really hot but I think you're really struggling with whether to come out of the closet. I'm behind you girl.

    I have key marks up and down my car just based on what my license plate says and of course the fact that the car says money. No need to antagonize people even more with bumper stickers.

    Can you pick me up some synfuel while you're in Kentucky? Are you in Hazard?

  • At 3:22 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I always thought bumper stickers were a little redneck...but that's cause I'm in the south and rebel flags, Milwaukee's Best, and Charlton Heston for President stickers reign.

  • At 8:43 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I haven't been around to read you in awhile, and now I'm kicking myself as to why. I need more of you in my life.


  • At 10:30 PM , Blogger DaddyKaos said...

    From the position or your right nipple you must have passed just below where we live. But I would have missed you bumper sticker anyway since we are visit CamiKaos. Hope your travels were safe.


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