Say Cheese or At Least Go Eat Some

So, as I often do, I am stealing Candy Sandwich's photos of her holiday party for my blog. It's the season of giving, right? So, I'm really just giving you and me someone else's stuff.

Speaking of giving, Kristin tagged me to reveal six weird things about myself--I'm working on narrowing it down. I'll give you a little preview in the following photos.

This photo goes first because hot women always get to go first--from left to right, that's yours truly and The Hair, Candy Sandwich and Fernanda, Hello Miles' lovely wife. This may also just be the only surviving picture of Kristin, who is usually behind the camera. Note the cranberry concoction in my hand.

This is how God intended for us enjoy Jell-O. Atta girls, (l-r) Denise, Kayla and Kimberlicious, who looked Boobylicious that night, by the way. Thumbs up to your girls, kiddo.


Okay, so I ran out of plastic cups and attempted to make alcoholic Jell-O jigglers. FYI kids, that doesn't work with a straight vodka recipe, so we dished out plate-fulls of Jell-O love and spoon fed each other, because that's what we do where I'm from.

Notice a pattern with the Jell-O love? Kimberlicious is getting it on with some gelatin big time, and I'm lucky enough to be near her to enjoy it. Incidentally, I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I was born chewing on a spork.

Someone had the brilliant idea to give The Joy of Sex with little dolls to demonstrate the positions. Kayla had a hard time finding the dolls' pee pees. Man, I've been there.

Believe it or not, Scotty thinks this pose highlights his best features.

So, for the gift exchange, Hello Miles got a box of dirty fortune cookies. Sean P.K. seemed very engrossed in the whole thing--perhaps he was stockpiling ideas for the Lovely Ms. Taylor (who was sick and not there. I was so sad, I had to drown my sorrows.)

So, um, I hope the Lovely Ms. Taylor wasn't expecting much because the dirty fortune cookies? Not so much. I can't remember any of them off hand, but I'll give $3 to any person who leaves a bad dirty fortune in the Comments section. Then I'll steal it, edit this post and pretend that YOUR fortune was one of the bad ones, deal?

Har Har Harwell said a silent prayer to Santa: "Please Mr. Kringle, I've been so good all year. Please, can I have the new Desperate Housewives game?"

There is a Santa Claus.

Byrd is one of my favorite people because a.) she's a red head, too b.) she wears knee boots and c.) she brought new friend Ed for all of us to meet d.) she has a laugh that could bring about world peace.

Seriously, he is a handsome dude. He just doesn't photograph well. But his teeth do.

Hey Queen Z! Hey Denise! There was a way better picture where Denise kind of looks like Popeye, but since I left out all of the fugly ones of myself, it's only fair I return the favor. Uh guh guh guh guh.

Yes! Yes! It's here: The Planisphere. Thanks Megan Jane! I look like I have to pee because I kind of did with all of the excitment of the Planisphere.

No, seriously, I was excited. Even my hair got a little crazy in the moment.


So, to calm my nerves I drank more. A whole lot more. That cup filled up 52 times. I counted.

Then, everyone had this great idea to get me tanked and make me sing. And I tried, the Baby Jesus knows I tried, but at that point I was lucky to not have peed my pants, let alone remember chords and words, good God Almighty. I made it through 1.5 songs before declaring, "I am too drunk to do anything but drink more."

Maybe I didn't say that, but I should have.

"God, I am so wasted. This is the drunkest I have ever been." We're going to put that on a T-shirt for Scotty, because he says that every damn time. That night, it might have been true though.

Ah, a good time was had by all, except maybe Kristin who's house got destroyed and who accidentally got all sorts of scraped up. Yowch.

To make her feel better, go visit her blog and read six weird things about her.

In the Comments section, tell me a bad dirty fortune. The winner gets to be a star that I will then find on the Planisphere.