123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Say Cheese or At Least Go Eat Some

So, as I often do, I am stealing Candy Sandwich's photos of her holiday party for my blog. It's the season of giving, right? So, I'm really just giving you and me someone else's stuff.

Speaking of giving, Kristin tagged me to reveal six weird things about myself--I'm working on narrowing it down. I'll give you a little preview in the following photos.

This photo goes first because hot women always get to go first--from left to right, that's yours truly and The Hair, Candy Sandwich and Fernanda, Hello Miles' lovely wife. This may also just be the only surviving picture of Kristin, who is usually behind the camera. Note the cranberry concoction in my hand.

This is how God intended for us enjoy Jell-O. Atta girls, (l-r) Denise, Kayla and Kimberlicious, who looked Boobylicious that night, by the way. Thumbs up to your girls, kiddo.

Okay, so I ran out of plastic cups and attempted to make alcoholic Jell-O jigglers. FYI kids, that doesn't work with a straight vodka recipe, so we dished out plate-fulls of Jell-O love and spoon fed each other, because that's what we do where I'm from.

Notice a pattern with the Jell-O love? Kimberlicious is getting it on with some gelatin big time, and I'm lucky enough to be near her to enjoy it. Incidentally, I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I was born chewing on a spork.

Someone had the brilliant idea to give The Joy of Sex with little dolls to demonstrate the positions. Kayla had a hard time finding the dolls' pee pees. Man, I've been there.

Believe it or not, Scotty thinks this pose highlights his best features.

So, for the gift exchange, Hello Miles got a box of dirty fortune cookies. Sean P.K. seemed very engrossed in the whole thing--perhaps he was stockpiling ideas for the Lovely Ms. Taylor (who was sick and not there. I was so sad, I had to drown my sorrows.)

So, um, I hope the Lovely Ms. Taylor wasn't expecting much because the dirty fortune cookies? Not so much. I can't remember any of them off hand, but I'll give $3 to any person who leaves a bad dirty fortune in the Comments section. Then I'll steal it, edit this post and pretend that YOUR fortune was one of the bad ones, deal?

Har Har Harwell said a silent prayer to Santa: "Please Mr. Kringle, I've been so good all year. Please, can I have the new Desperate Housewives game?"

There is a Santa Claus.

Byrd is one of my favorite people because a.) she's a red head, too b.) she wears knee boots and c.) she brought new friend Ed for all of us to meet d.) she has a laugh that could bring about world peace.

Seriously, he is a handsome dude. He just doesn't photograph well. But his teeth do.

Hey Queen Z! Hey Denise! There was a way better picture where Denise kind of looks like Popeye, but since I left out all of the fugly ones of myself, it's only fair I return the favor. Uh guh guh guh guh.

Yes! Yes! It's here: The Planisphere. Thanks Megan Jane! I look like I have to pee because I kind of did with all of the excitment of the Planisphere.

No, seriously, I was excited. Even my hair got a little crazy in the moment.

So, to calm my nerves I drank more. A whole lot more. That cup filled up 52 times. I counted.

Then, everyone had this great idea to get me tanked and make me sing. And I tried, the Baby Jesus knows I tried, but at that point I was lucky to not have peed my pants, let alone remember chords and words, good God Almighty. I made it through 1.5 songs before declaring, "I am too drunk to do anything but drink more."

Maybe I didn't say that, but I should have.

"God, I am so wasted. This is the drunkest I have ever been." We're going to put that on a T-shirt for Scotty, because he says that every damn time. That night, it might have been true though.

Ah, a good time was had by all, except maybe Kristin who's house got destroyed and who accidentally got all sorts of scraped up. Yowch.

To make her feel better, go visit her blog and read six weird things about her.

In the Comments section, tell me a bad dirty fortune. The winner gets to be a star that I will then find on the Planisphere.

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  • At 9:53 AM , Blogger Matt said...

    This Six Things thing has certainly gotten around....

    Okay, I forgot my instructions. Always with the instructions. You're never going to win Time's 2006 Blogger of the Year, to be announced later on "Animal Mind."

  • At 10:37 AM , Anonymous 123Valerie said...

    Yeah, Matty, I'm kind of a domineering bitch--it's my schtick. Now, get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

  • At 12:17 PM , Blogger Mist said...

    I want Matt to make me a sandwich too.

  • At 1:03 PM , Anonymous Kristin said...

    I do actually have pictures of myself; I just don't post them. :)

    I think that I've still got a couple of the fortunes at home, sans cookies. I should find them, but as I recall, they weren't particularly dirty. Unlike the story my brother was telling to accompany that pic with his fingers in his mouth. Dirty. Uncomfortable. Funny. Unless you're our mom.

    And wtf? This won't let me leave a comment because my Google account and my blogger account have the same username and different passwords. I don't want to link it to my Google account, buster. Work with me here!

  • At 1:22 PM , Anonymous 123Valerie said...

    You want I should take down your lovely face, K? I didn't even think that you did it on purpose.

    In any case, I too, am having Blogger Beta issues--I usually just sign in with the "other" button and type in my info. Bitches.

    Funny thing is, I don't even remember the accompanying story to Scotty's gestures. Ew.

  • At 1:48 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    Mist1 isn't gonna win either... she keeps that up.

  • At 3:39 PM , Blogger Attention Whore said...

    I've never gotten a bad dirty fortune. The Chinese soothsayers know that I am pure like the driven snow....perhaps that is driven 'ho? Not so sure.

  • At 6:16 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    I once got this fortune:

    "The use of prophylactics may prevent the spread of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases."

  • At 1:24 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Matt-ress, Mist has already won. Bow down to the queen. Now, go get the woman a damn sandwich. And wear a condom, because you're right.

    I just said this on my online women's group, the D.C. Sisterhood, but it's worth repeating: I may trust a man's heart entirely, but not his judgement.

    Cheating is not the worst offsense; bringing home a fatal disease is.

    AW, a ho is a useful implement. You keep working it, sister. Just wear a condom.

  • At 9:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I giggled so hard at the Desparate Housewives picture with J & M. That was a funny blog post. See you Saturday, V. ~ G


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