Affirmative

Hey, my pretties. I know some of yins were ready to send out the search par-tay for me, but I've just been trapped in my own head for a bit.

I wish I could say I was finding some peace and in quiet in here, but my head's louder than a bowling alley these days, with all of my expectations and ideals set up like a neat row of pins, only to be knocked down and scattered about by the bowling ball of life. Funny how a strike can feel like a strike out.

To try and counteract my general mopieness, I've had all of my affirmations clanging around up there. If you're not familiar, affirmations are simply mantras you repeat over and over and over and over and over and over again to try and bring about some peace and prosperity. Kind of like a homemade chant.

A few of my favorites lately have been:

"My life is full of blessings and opportunities."
"I have an abundance of all I need."
"I love cheese."

It gets a little loud in there sometimes.

There's another one I use a lot. "I am taken care of."

See, I have a perpetual fear of abandonment. It's probably not anything those who know me would think of straight away, but I doubt any are really surprised to read this, either.

It's not a piercing, shrieking fear; rather, the quiet droning type—like being able to hear the neighbor's TV. Even if you can't always make out the words, you still know the TV is on and you can feel its energy seeping through the walls.

This fear of being left alone tends to exert itself in my life as supreme, childish independence. Sometimes, the best thing I can do is remind myself that I don't have to do it on my own.

But, lately, I've accidentally been mixing up my own mantra. What should come out as, "I'm taken care of," is coming out as, "I'm taking care of …" Three little letters that completely change the meaning.

I noticed my alteration yesterday evening when I laid down to pray before bed. I was running through my list of people and world stuff and then I got to myself. I asked for the strength and patience to accomplish all that I need to accomplish right now (it runs the gamut from "save the world" to "clean out the refrigerator"} and then I was overwhelmed with anxiety.

So, I started with my affirmations to calm myself the fuck down.

"I am taken care of."

"I am taken care of."

"I am takin care of."

"I am taking care of …"

"Oh, fuck. That's not right."

I think the answer is to get out of my head. Because with the cosmic bowling jam, all of the affirmations clamoring around and the small snippet of Nazareth's "Son of a Bitch" that's on a constant loop, a body can't think straight in there.

So, here I am. Back again and more out of my head than ever.

In the Comments section, tell me if you have an affirmation or a mantra.