123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Affirmative

Hey, my pretties. I know some of yins were ready to send out the search par-tay for me, but I've just been trapped in my own head for a bit.

I wish I could say I was finding some peace and in quiet in here, but my head's louder than a bowling alley these days, with all of my expectations and ideals set up like a neat row of pins, only to be knocked down and scattered about by the bowling ball of life. Funny how a strike can feel like a strike out.

To try and counteract my general mopieness, I've had all of my affirmations clanging around up there. If you're not familiar, affirmations are simply mantras you repeat over and over and over and over and over and over again to try and bring about some peace and prosperity. Kind of like a homemade chant.

A few of my favorites lately have been:

"My life is full of blessings and opportunities."
"I have an abundance of all I need."
"I love cheese."

It gets a little loud in there sometimes.

There's another one I use a lot. "I am taken care of."

See, I have a perpetual fear of abandonment. It's probably not anything those who know me would think of straight away, but I doubt any are really surprised to read this, either.

It's not a piercing, shrieking fear; rather, the quiet droning type—like being able to hear the neighbor's TV. Even if you can't always make out the words, you still know the TV is on and you can feel its energy seeping through the walls.

This fear of being left alone tends to exert itself in my life as supreme, childish independence. Sometimes, the best thing I can do is remind myself that I don't have to do it on my own.

But, lately, I've accidentally been mixing up my own mantra. What should come out as, "I'm taken care of," is coming out as, "I'm taking care of …" Three little letters that completely change the meaning.

I noticed my alteration yesterday evening when I laid down to pray before bed. I was running through my list of people and world stuff and then I got to myself. I asked for the strength and patience to accomplish all that I need to accomplish right now (it runs the gamut from "save the world" to "clean out the refrigerator"} and then I was overwhelmed with anxiety.

So, I started with my affirmations to calm myself the fuck down.

"I am taken care of."

"I am taken care of."

"I am takin care of."

"I am taking care of …"

"Oh, fuck. That's not right."

I think the answer is to get out of my head. Because with the cosmic bowling jam, all of the affirmations clamoring around and the small snippet of Nazareth's "Son of a Bitch" that's on a constant loop, a body can't think straight in there.

So, here I am. Back again and more out of my head than ever.

In the Comments section, tell me if you have an affirmation or a mantra.

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15 Comments:

  • At 9:15 AM , Blogger Woodrow said...

    nope

     
  • At 9:21 AM , Blogger country roads said...

    Glad you're still out there! I tell myself to shut up a lot :-)

     
  • At 10:30 AM , Blogger The Maiden Metallurgist said...

    IO try to remind myself that I may be too mired in the minutiae to see the big picture right now, I get stuck in my head a lot too.

     
  • At 11:02 AM , Blogger CamiKaos said...

    did you know I'm prone to senseless panic?

    I often repeat two words in my head over and over...

    Don't panic

    Or if it's too late and I already am panicking...

    Calm down

    I'm sounding kinds of snarky here... But that's all sincere.

     
  • At 11:14 AM , Blogger Amanda said...

    Mostly I just repeat:

    FUCK
    FUCK
    FUCK
    FUCK
    FUCK
    FUCK


    and then add a few:
    I'm okay.
    I'm okay.
    I'm okay.

     
  • At 12:20 PM , Blogger pistols at dawn said...

    Mantras are too new-agey for me. If forced to choose between listening to Yanni and having a mantra, I might adopt the mantra, "I hate Yanni."

     
  • At 1:18 PM , Blogger Del-V said...

    Is a mantra like getting a song stuck in your head? If so, my mantra is:

    Wake me up before you go-go,
    don't leave me hangin' on like a yo-yo.

     
  • At 4:13 PM , Blogger lorelai236 said...

    We love you and are here for you, Lady.

    Pema Chodron, who I like very much, says, "A lot of people think that happiness lies in stability, in tying up all the loose ends and having things under control. But actually, happiness lies in being able to relax with our true condition, which is basically fleeting, dynamic, fluid, not in any way solid, not in any way permanent..."

    She says to challenge yourself with uncomfortable situations by repeating to yourself "This encounter, as unpleasant as I'm finding it, is unique. It's never going to happen again in exactly this way. And maybe I'm glad of that but I don't want to waste this moment because it's never going to happen again, just like this."

    I don’t mean to ramble, but she has brought me a lot of peace! She also says that the nature of our minds and heart are limitless, boundless, openness, free of prejudice and free of bias. "You can stay in this space and open your eyes and your ears and all your sense perceptions to what's happening without narrowing down into a prejudice or a bias or a view, a kind of solid view that says, no, no, it can't be like that, it has to be like this."

    It's sorta an ode to the free spirits in all of us. Anyway, she wrote a book called When Things Fall Apart. I’d like to read it.

     
  • At 10:18 PM , Blogger Suze said...

    I was about to send out the search parties. I don't really have a mantra because I'm sure I'd forget it. Middle aged memory.

     
  • At 12:57 PM , Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

    Not so much a mantra as a prayer:

    "Dear God, please don't let me come too soon."

     
  • At 6:15 PM , Anonymous Franki said...

    My baloney has a first name.

    It's O-S-C-A-R

    Yeah...it's super retarded in here. Hang in there Val.

     
  • At 12:29 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    W, for some reason, I'm picking up that, "I'm too sexy for my shirt" might be your mantra. Am I wrong?

    CRJ, you have so many valuable things to say. I'm glad YOU'RE still out there!

    Maiden, I know we'd be friends if it weren't for the stupid 4,000 miles between us.

    CamiK, can I say ditto from above. I do feel like we're friends. You remind me of my sister Maryann who is thinking about teaching jazzercize, and I mean that in the best possible of ways.

    Amanda, love, simple is best. Fuck has so many uses. I could use a fuck right now, as a matter of fact.

    PAD, he's not a such a big fan of you either, my love, but John Tesh gives you two thumbs up.

    Del-V, I take as much life guidance from George Michael as I can. "Choose Life," is what I always say.

    Lorelai, I want to be smarmy, but I just love you.

    Suze, I was going to write something, but I forgot what it was. It's not just old age, my dear.

    EA, sometimes my mantra is, "Help him finish. Help him finish. Help him finish. Help him finish. Help him finish." But then, I tend to date a lot of drinkers.

    My darling Frankifurter, I adore you. Just put my face on one of those cat posters, and you have the idea.

     
  • At 9:32 PM , Blogger amber. said...

    I love cheese, too.

    Yum.

    "This cheese is making me skinny, this cheese is making me skinny..."

     
  • At 7:42 AM , Blogger Rick said...

    Uh, I know I'm a bit late here...

    So, I don't have a mantra so much anymore. It used to be "I am a creative loving and fun man."

    I know all of those things now and the mantra wasn't necessarily effective. Lately, I've just adopted a reminder that I don't chant in my head so much as drop hints with myself or check in when things are getting their stink on:

    Respect yourself.

    This is a good thing. I don't fuck around when it comes to living out my own personal realities in my own personal head and this is a good balance. It at least helps to me have those alternate realities that lift me up rather than beat me down.

    [Greetings from Nina's Reader: Part I!]

     
  • At 10:09 PM , Blogger 玉米蛋餅Stanly said...

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