123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Read This Before I Have to Put You In an Octopus Hold

Did I ever tell you about the time I had the Fabulous Moola on my flight?

Those of you who don't know who she is are about to get schooled with an ass whooping from her. Fo' reals. The Fabulous Moola was, and remains, a champion female wrestler who started in the 1950s and just kept on Back Fisting and Atomic Dropping through the years. She's approximately 80 now, but she could still make you cry for your mama.

We were starting our day in Columbia, South Carolina, and as the passengers started boarding, I saw a mane of bright red hair bopping along the tarmac. Now, not being aptly informed on the grappling goddess whom I was about to meet, all I saw as she climbed aboard was that her lavender eye shadow (expertly applied up to her forehead) matched her light purple sweat suit.

"Hi. Welcome aboard," I said.

"Thank you for having us," she replied with a deceptively sweet drawl. She was traveling with a companion whom I soon found out was The Great Mae Young, another female wrestler who's lived with Moola for decades now. Not as lesbians, I feel compelled to clarify, but as friends who shared a penchant for beat downs.

They could have been two sisters on their way to Atlantic City, but the pilots I was flying with pulled me inside the cockpit and shrieked like little girls, "Oh my God, 123Valerie! Do you know who that is? That's the Fabulous Moola. Be nice to her, she could hurt you."

Oh my.

Well, I am pleased to report that neither Moola or Mae threatened to drop a DDT Crucifix Powerbomb on me. Mae was very quiet and Moola just oozed Southern charm. She was laden with gold dollar signs, though, so it may have just been too much effort to get out of control with all of her bling. Several gold dollar sign rings, dollar sign earings and two dollar sign necklaces along with a VERY LARGE crucifix necklace adorned her solid frame.

I wish I had more to report, but they were just nice ladies with very bad taste in fashion. However, I did learn that when our airline lost their luggage, Moola gave the customer service rep a Powerslam Tilt-a-Whirl while Mae pulled an Argentine Back Breaker Rack. Someone needs to cut back their Geritol.

Here comes a really not-so-nice joke about old women. Cover your eyeballs:

What does 80-year-old pussy taste like?

Mmm. Depends.

C'mon. You know you loved it.

If you were a wrestler, tell me what your name would be in the Comments section. The winner gets a lavender sweat suit.

Special Shout Out to April May June for swinging by the blogeroo. She expecially knows the oddities of pilots and that they, in fact, often shriek like little girls.


  • At 4:29 AM , Blogger nolongermrsborell said...

    I am as terrible with nick names as I amwith wrestling names..though i am sure mine would have someting to do with Boobs Mcgulicutty. lol but really

    just wanted to say...I love you and THANKS!!!!!


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