123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Bathing Beauty

I just emerged from one of my marathon bubble baths--2.5 hours, this one was, my pretties. I'm a champion bubble bather.

Anyone who knows me knows that when I'm drunk, I tend to ask friends if I can use their tub. Sometimes I don't ask--I just sneak off and take a bubbly-scented soak and pop out an hour later, relaxed and smelling of Pearberry or Lever 2000.

Can I be honest, kids? Sometimes I'm not even really that drunk, but even I know how ridiculous it is for an adult woman to bathe in strangers' tubs. The drinking gives me an excuse, but sometimes I really just want a bath.

Christmas is prime time for a bubble bath aficionado such as myself. I get all sorts of smelly good things, candles and books.

This year, JennyJenny8675309 got me a bottle of whiskey for Christmas, which explains why I spent extra long in the bath this evening: I like to combine all of my favorite activities with a bath, a book and a bottle.

(She was worried I wouldn't like it, my pretties. To which I can only say, "Pshaw, right, JennyJenny. Sometimes I feel like you don't even know me.")

I needed the bath and the bourbon today, though, because I hit it really hard at the gym. Crunches, crunches, always the damn crunches. I probably won't be able to eat solid food for a week, but that's my own fault because, over the holiday, the only things I crunched were the ice cubes from my rocks glass.

Although, Adelka Ann saved me with an impromptu aerobics video, courtesy of the fine folks at Perdue Chicken and their generous giveaways.

I was about to head out for a run when Adelka Ann said, "You hate running."

"I know. But I've been such a lump. I've got to do something." I detest running, kids. I really do. My body was not meant to run. My body was meant to tube down rivers and lie in hammocks and such.

"Well, we could do some aerobics," Adelka Ann offered.

While she astutely followed all of Kathy Smith's moves to "lunge" and "kick" and "march it out" 123Valerie flailed around and generally made an aerobic ass of herself. The Perdue folks might be tickled to know I actually looked like a chicken running around with its head cut off. But, I bet I burned several hundred calories.

Speaking of burning several hundred, my parents, in their infinite generosity, gave me--among too many other things--a pair of diamond hoopy earrings. They're beautiful, but even before the whole movie business, I wasn't too keen on diamonds for humanitarian reasons. Best to stick with healing crystals, eh Allison--not blood-soaked stones that bear the imprint of innocent childrens' souls.

I know diamonds are supposed to be a girl's best friend, but, truthfully, I'd prefer the dog. I decided long ago that if, if, if I ever get married, I don't want the traditional diamond ring. I also want to have a pig roast and kegs for the reception, but my fairytale wedding planning is for another time.

What do you think I should do? Send them back to my folks with my sincerest gratitude? Just hang on to them and keep my mouth shut? I'm torn, my pretties.

I just need to go take a bath and clear my head.

In the Comments section, tell me what you think I should do with the earrings. I will come over to christen the tub of whoever has the best advice.

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  • At 12:36 PM , Blogger nolongermrsborell said...

    Its amazing to me how we are such good friends while being so diffrent!!lol I got pretty little hoop diamonds for Christmas and I was happy. They match my grandma's wedding band i wear. I think you should just hang onto them, throw them in a drawer somewhere and you'll have them if you ever feel like wearing them. Mabey you will need them for a halloween costume sometime!!!!!Oh and by the way when you come "home" or sometime I would like to hear more about these healing crystals!!!!!

  • At 4:51 PM , Blogger Tom Bailey said...

    "I know diamonds are supposed to be a girl's best friend, but, truthfully, I'd prefer the dog."

    Men like to hear women say this.

    Hold on to them.

  • At 5:39 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    Heck if I know. I'm trying to figure out what to do with Burberry earmuffs. I can take them back and get a store credit or something else I'll never wear or I can send them back to the parents. They are SO not me.

  • At 9:38 PM , Blogger Flat Coke and Flies said...

    Well if my ears were actually pierced I'd say since your other gift for me is obviously lost in the snail mail you might as well send them to me.


    My ears are NOT pierced so I have no opinion on this matter. I just hate to see them go to waste though, ya know?

  • At 11:30 PM , Anonymous 123Valerie said...

    Kirstin, my dear, you look beautiful in anything. Maybe Allison should have a jewelry party in Canton ...

    Tommy Bailey, I aim to please. A high-class girl with cheap tastes!

    Oof, Kristin--Burberry earmuffs, huh? That trumps any "what the fuck?" gift I ever got.

    FC&F, no worries, my dear. I wouldn't throw them out or anything. I just probably won't wear them. Along with my underpants.

  • At 12:43 AM , Blogger nolongermrsborell said...

    "I just probably won't wear them. Along with my underpants. " Statements like this are why Imiss you so much!!!! I can't wait til we get to hang out again. I promise to behave...no hi-jacking strech hummers or bringing shirtless Austailian Lacross players home.No, "hey you with the dreads come with me"(not that that was me, just saying I won't do it!!!" Just good ole fashioned fun like talking aout what great racks we have!!!!!!

  • At 9:19 AM , Blogger kate said...

    I learned during my stint as a left wing radical (more on this another time) that although your intentions are pure, parents don't respond well to asking gifts to be returned for political reasons. Even my liberal parents hated it. I think it's because nobody likes it when people point out their ignorance on a topic, and coming from an offspring it's even worse. Just keep 'em and perhaps in another conversation emphasize your love of amethysts or whatever.


  • At 10:14 AM , Anonymous 123Valerie said...

    "Hey you with the dreads, come with me!" Oh, I forgot all about that. That Megan Jane, I tell ya. It's going to be hard to top her, but we've got to give it our all.The last time we were at Joe's and went back to Mark's was pretty darn close, but I think we can do better.

    Hey Pretty, you're right. "Dad and Paula, I think you're generous but stupid." That's no good.

    And I've been considering that there's a very good chance some of my crystals may have come from less-than-ideal beginnings.

  • At 12:26 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    You're complaining b/c your folks aren't as flaky as you?!

  • At 2:01 PM , Anonymous 123Valerie said...

    Um, basically, yes, Matty. Shurt Urp.

  • At 4:55 PM , Blogger Emily said...

    Hold on to them. I've gotten a lot of not so great jewelry from my parents & although I don't wear it, I treasure every ruby-encrusted, 24-carat gold kitty cat pendant that I own.

  • At 7:41 PM , Anonymous Tinz said...

    I'm a little behind on reading your posts, but I don't want the normal diamond ring either! I thought I was the only one! Maybe lapis lazul or something awesome like that! Something with SUBSTANCE, like an opal. YEA!

  • At 11:35 PM , Blogger WanderingGirl said...

    I'm with you on the diamonds. Ick. But, keep them in a drawer. I'm sure your parents put a lot of time and $ into thinking up the perfect gift for you, and you don't want to hurt their feelings. Besides, some day you might just have an occassion that demands diamond hoops.

    (ps... got here b/c you're linked on many of the pages I read... good stuff!)

  • At 11:30 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Hey Wandering Girl! Glad to have you and your wise counsel. Lord knows I need all of the help I can get.

  • At 11:33 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Tinzy Mama, that sounds lovely! Congrats on the cat, too! I'm a little behind on my D.C. posts!

    Hi Em, I might, um, actually wear that cat pendant. Sadly, my folks didn't pass on any of their good-taste genes to me.

  • At 10:11 AM , Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

    Keep them. If if if you ever have kids, one of them will love receiving from you what you can then call a "family hierloom."

    Oh, and I've got a kickass tub. Big, deep, with lots of jets. On the wall above the foot is a huge picture of a sandy tropical beach. The smell of cleverly hidden aromatic oils fills the air. On the shelf above the head are many different kinds of salts, oils, and bubble bath additives. And finally for your bathing comfort, candles ev-ree-where.

    Yes I like me some baths too. Can you tell? heh.


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