Turn Away From the Freak! Oh, It's Madness!

Thanks to a tag from Candy Sandwich, I'm an It Girl. And I'm weird. I'm a Weird It Girl.

Well, an awkward intro to a slightly awkward post revealing six weird things about me. Here goes, my pretties:

1. For at least two years during my pre-teen existence, I thought I was Elvis reincarnated.

For reals. Megan Jane can back this up. From about 9 years old to 11 years old, I would get on tables and sing Heartbreak Hotel. I was very good at swinging my hips and curling my lip, but the kicker was that Elvis died in 1979, and I was born in 1980, so you do the math, kids …

I, uh, might actually still believe this a little bit.

2. I love to grocery shop.
I go at least once a day. There are so many possibilities in a grocery store—infinite colors, tastes and moods. I love it. Plus, as a single gal whose roommate is a picky eater, I typically cook just for me, so I buy itty, bitty portions of everything. Rack of lamb for one? I've done it.

This might also have something to do with my premonition that I would meet the love of my life at a grocery store--probably not the frozen foods section. Maybe in the soup aisle.

3. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

4. When I was 17, I made a quilt as a show of love for a boy on whom I had a crush.

His name was Johnny Joyce, and he was a deliberately tortured soul with unkempt black hair (dyed), misty eyes and a pierced faced. C'mon—cut me some slack. This was 1997, and it was still fairly edgy at that point in Ohio.

It was a Log Cabin pattern, and I actually made it out of navy, burgundy, grey and black courderoy pants I found at the thrift store, so it was equally as dark as he was. Mmm, actually, the quilt turned out to be a good metaphor for him: yeah, okay, kind of dark, but really just flat and a little soft. Adelka Ann can offer some insight.

Anyway, this is probably the most genuine evidence of my weirdness: I really thought it would win him over. I expected that he would go to bed wrapped in it every night and dream of me. Who am I kidding? I still think this should have won him over—do you know how much time and effort I put into that quilt? A lot. And do you know what I got for it? "Wow, 123Valerie, you're such a good friend. That's so nice."

In any case, now only the family gets my eclectic quilts. Although, when my Dad got his made out of old flannel shirts, all he said was, "Wow, 123Valerie, you're such a good daughter. That's so nice."

Maybe I just need to stop making quilts out of old clothes.

5. I use my turn signal every single time I turn. Every single time.

I didn't think this was weird until I moved down here where no one uses a turn signal. Ever. Now I feel like freak.

6. Sometimes, when I'm driving to faraway places, I'll stop at a gas station and use a fake British accent. Poorly. For no reason what so ever.

"Evenin' gov'nor. Might I trouble you for 15 pounds worth of petrol in the black carriage? 'ave you a spot 'o tea and crumpet for tea time? No? Bloody 'ell, per'aps I'll just take this cinnamon 'azelnut cappuccino and this — 'ow do you Yanks say again? Cruller? Splendid!"

There? You happy? Did gawk enough? No?

Oh.

Well, the good news is that there are plenty more where these came from—they just come out in my everyday posts. Most of the time I don't even know I'm behaving like a buffoon.

Glad I can make you feel better about yourself. Now, let's go laugh at someone else. Oh, how's about: The Lovely Brinki Dink, Darling Emmie, The Sage, over at Meow and The Beautiful Lee at Vicinity of Obscinity, whom many of you know as Nosjunkie. Show us your weirdness, gals. You're in good company.

In the Comments section, tell me if you've ever used a fake accent.