Off the Road and My Rocker

Want to know how to freak my parents the hell out?

Tell them you pulled over at rest stop some where in West Virginia around 3 a.m. to take a little nap. ("I don't remember where it was, Dad. I was so tired, but the truckers looked really friendly.")

The trip over from Maryland to Kentucky was twice as long as it should have been, thanks to the general assiness of Friday evening traffic and the fact that I had to make a pit stop and actually buy some Christmas gifts (I know, I know. Still. Yes.) for the little bumper butts in my life.

While Andie Sue, Levi and Sam got some awesome gifts from Aunt Beans ("Whoa, cool--washer fluid! Thanks Aunt Beans!"), this also meant that I got in at 5:30 A. Flipping M.

Oh, I was tired. I was soooo tired, but, ya know, it's family, and I already had to devote a significant portion of my weekend working, blah, blah, whiney, bitch, moan, blah. So, I bucked up, and played Freeze Tag and Power Rangers and watched more Sponge Bob Square Pants than any human should have to. There was also a lot of Aunt Beans dancing, because apparently the kids know a fool when they see one and are honing their pointing and laughing skills for junior high.

Okay, enough talk about the kids and the poop. "Get to the point where you got drunk and stupid, 123V."

Another drive to points northward, and I landed on Very Gay Mark's doorstep in Canton, Ohio. I've known Very Gay Mark for a long time. He didn't like me at first--said I was too nice and fakity fake. Now, he's one of the many men in my life that I greet with a, "Hey, Girl! How you derin?"

We bonded when I brought in a pint of whiskey to the restaurant where we worked and took turns taking nips from it. It was a bad place there, kids. Don't judge. Okay--judge, but be nice about it.

Anyway, Very Gay Mark invited all of our favorite people over for sloppy joes and beers and quality 123Valerie time.

Oh, it was lovely: Bonita, Chris G., Janee, Kirstin, our friends David and Patric, Wendy and, of course, Very Gay Mark. Janee brought a friend, Beth, and Very Gay Mark offered up a new friend, Very Gay Gary. It was just what I needed, my pretties.

So, I am beat for tonight, but stay tuned to find out why we wrote "Janee loves the cock" on the bathroom wall of my favorite dive bar, okay? (Love you, J. Mean it.)

In the Comments section, tell me the best thing you've ever seen written on a bathroom wall.