123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Monday, February 19, 2007

A Bad Combination

"Matty, I apologize for any noises you might hear coming from the other side of the door."

With that disclaimer, I gingerly made my way to the bathroom and wrapped myself around his porcelain toilet bowl, where I wretched and heaved and yakked and garfed and burbled for the better part of an hour.

If we were playing Clue, this would be the point where you could exclaim, "Ah ha! It was General Tso's chicken in the tummy with the food poisoning." Actually, it wasn't General Tso's, which is what Matty had and was fine. No, it was the dreaded combination pan fried noodles. Wily fuckers, those noodles.

By combination, they really mean to say "leftover stuff that's probably bad, but if we mix it all together with a savory brown sauce, no one will ever know. "

In any case, that is how I found myself curled around Matty's toilet bowl on a simple palette made of towels. At one point, just after I vomited up my spleen, I was hallucinating a bit and had a short, but poignant, conversation with his floor tiles.

Beads of sweat pooled around my temples, so I slowly rolled my head off of the towel bed and onto the black and white grid pattern. "Hi tiles. Thank you for being so nice and cool. I'll never forget how you were there for me in my time of need. I love you so much. Please don't ever stop being so cold."

Finally, the misery abated enough for me to crawl out of the bathroom.

"Can I get you anything?" Matty sweetly asked.

"No, I'm afeayv twos linbe hwarels," I muttered unintelligibly. I felt bad because I know how much Matty likes for people to speak English, but I just didn't have it in me. And, bless his heart, Matty chose that point to try and recap how wasted he was the night before at my friend Scotty's Dead Prez Party.

"I was so baked last night, ha ha ha."

As I lay there, trying to think of anything else beyond the pestilence dancing around my intestines, I had several flash backs:
  • Someone may or may not have gotten their nose broken that night. I had had a lot to drink, so I'm not exactly a reliable source.
  • There is a stereotype of angry lesbians for a reason. One half of a lesbian couple at the party seemed to want to scrap, which prompted Matty to proclaim that he could easily win a fight against 97% of lesbians. I told him that 80% is probably more realistic.
  • There really are some intense douche bags walking among us. You can usually scope them out by their circa 1993 haircuts.
  • Megan Jane's eye for redecorating is unmatched. She turned Scott's comfortable bachelor pad into a swinging party complex with only a table cloth and some cinnamon potpourri.
  • One of my friends is now "new and improved" with 50% more gay, so that's fun.
  • Some people really don't change, and it's for the better. I got to hug my friend, Lindsey, whom I hadn't seen since I was 13, and she was even more lovely than she was at 13. Well, I guess we all are. I hope.
I tried to articulate all of that to Matty, but all I could manage was a half-hearted, "Mmm hmmpf." Sometimes, though, that's all that needs to be said.

In the Comments section, tell me what your favorite Chinese food is and any recollections you may have from Scott's party, if you were there. Maybe even if you weren't there--that would be some trippy time and space travel, kids.

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30 Comments:

  • At 2:10 PM , Blogger Lee said...

    If I had a dollar for every time I experienced "food poisoning" after drinking too much... ;)

    Hope you feel better!

     
  • At 2:45 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    Valerie, when I have my rager keg party you're totally NOT invited. You can't handle your shit. Cute girls with Jewish glasses are invited, however.

    Drink plenty of fluids and you'll be fine.

     
  • At 2:46 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/?Media=PlayFlash

     
  • At 3:07 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    Scott's invited, too. :)

     
  • At 3:24 PM , Blogger Starboard Tack said...

    What exactly is 50% more gay?

     
  • At 4:39 PM , Blogger Lisa said...

    Matt, I totally love that I'm still invited to your theoretical party. I think the keys to being a super party guest include the following:
    a) being a cute glasses wearing Jew [of which there were two at the party (WASSUP KAYLA! SHOUT OUT! HEEEEY!)]
    b) wearing mens wear,
    c) bringing irresistible yuminess (sweet nuts... mmmm,
    d) doing dishes for the host,
    e) leaving with two hot lesbians.

    As for chinese food: I have learned... just stay away. Sometimes its for the best.

    Finally, shout out to Scott for having a rad party.

     
  • At 5:02 PM , Anonymous Kirstin said...

    I think I had a bout witht he same thing this weekend. No, mine was def from drinking entirely too much. I might blame it on the food if I had eaten any that day!!! I feel for ya. I am just now starting to feel better.(3 days later) I found out I just can't hang like I used too. Hope you are feeling better soon.

     
  • At 5:34 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    I feel like I was at a totally different party. Table cloth? Potpourri? I remember lesbians but no scrapping; I actually got along just fine with them... I liked the videos projected on the wall.

     
  • At 6:06 PM , Blogger Hey Pretty said...

    Apparently, I left too soon. I thought it was a good time. My highlights include some redonkulously girlish chatter and gossip. I second Lisa's shoutout. A good bash it was, thrown by a very accomodating host.

     
  • At 6:29 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    Hey Pretty, you actually left the party five hours before it actually ended. There were three acts and you made a relatively early exit in Act 1, Scene IV.

     
  • At 7:18 PM , Blogger Flat Coke and Flies said...

    I love Chinese food and as a matter of fact Gen. Tso's chicken is my favorite. I like sesame seed too tho.

    Don't think I made it to the par-tee, or at least I don't remember much about it if I did.

     
  • At 7:32 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    This comment has been removed by the author.

     
  • At 7:58 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    I'm working on my impression of Kate and Laura having a conversation. ohmygod.

     
  • At 8:35 PM , Blogger WanderingGirl said...

    I was the fly on the wall. I'll never tell, but you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

     
  • At 9:16 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Maaaatty, you're so cute. You have the cutest shoes, ever!

    WG, please don't tell my priest. Or Jason Priestly. Both would be equally heart breaking. Come hang out with us!

     
  • At 9:52 PM , Blogger mist1 said...

    You are so smart for using towels for a pillow. I usually just hope that the toilet seat is padded. It usually isn't. Who has one of those anymore?

     
  • At 10:15 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Mist, honey, my Nan has one. It's got some tears, though, so it's less than comfortable.

    Even in my utter pain, I am resourceful. Much like Ethan Hawke.

     
  • At 10:15 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    This comment has been removed by the author.

     
  • At 10:15 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 10:28 PM , Blogger Hey Pretty said...

    Oh geez. I can't wait to see how me and Laura innocently playing getting to know you will be filtered through your strange little mind, Matty. Go easy on us, sir.

    Oh, and I hate Chinese food. Except for steamed dumplings and the occassional Dim Sum. But standard take-out is awful.

    Plus--5 hours? Didn't I leave around midnight or 1?

     
  • At 10:45 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    HP - I thought I left before you (around one) but from what I hear, all was hazy toward the end of the night. We did miss Miss Valerie's lovely voice, strumming and singing.

     
  • At 11:24 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Me either, Miss Kate. ME EITHER. I hope there are pictures. It was a *long* *hard* night, I dare say. Let's just say *I got my fill.*

    Kristin, love, it was all hazy. The markings of a good party, indeed. You're too kind.

     
  • At 11:37 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Gang, the food poisoning occurred a full 24 hours AFTER the hangover subsided. In fact, not much of a hangover, at all, thanks to a sweet fellow named James Beam. He lurves me.

    Matty, you know I adore the hot Jewish girls with cute glasses. Does scotch count?


    ST, it means I have a 50% better chance of match making for my friends. I sooooooo wish you were in the D.C. metro area--I'd have you married by now.

    Lisa Lisa, so glad hot glasses and warm nuts with get you everywhere, my dear. The tie was just an extra sweet bonus.

    K, lovey, it really WAS food poisoning. That's the bitchy part. I wish I could be all, "Oh, I was so hungover," but that's just not honest. It was the combination platter.

    Kristin, honey, it's what we call "artistic liberty." "Rearranging furniture" just don't sound as good. You, however, with your burgundy-ish pants, looked quite good.

    Kate, we were so glad you came. Matty asked me to work on a "Kate" impression, since I have my Laura impresison down so well. :)

    Matty, Kate left before she was due her 15-minute break, as per federal labor guidelines RE 8-hour shifts.

    FC&F, you KNOW we missed you, doll. Next time, fo sho.

     
  • At 10:39 AM , Blogger uhavegot2bkidn said...

    Ok, riddle me this: what is it exactly that are in those bathroom tiles that make them so cool and comfortable on my forehead and WHY IN THE NAME OF BABY JESUS cannot they not put that same ingredient in carpet? Do the carpet people NOT understand how much money they could make from all the alcoholics out there? I can hear the sales pitch now...'And for only an extra $15 per square foot we can add Alco-Cool to your carpet for that pesky space between your bathroom tile and your bedroom! You won't remember how good and cold it will feel on your face, but trust me little lady, your forehead will thank you in the morning!'

     
  • At 10:40 AM , Blogger uhavegot2bkidn said...

    Ok, riddle me this: what is it exactly that are in those bathroom tiles that make them so cool and comfortable on my forehead and WHY IN THE NAME OF BABY JESUS cannot they not put that same ingredient in carpet? Do the carpet people NOT understand how much money they could make from all the alcoholics out there? I can hear the sales pitch now...'And for only an extra $15 per square foot we can add Alco-Cool to your carpet for that pesky space between your bathroom tile and your bedroom! You won't remember how good and cold it will feel on your face, but trust me little lady, your forehead will thank you in the morning!'

     
  • At 11:12 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Kidn, I would pay $16 a square foot for that business. That Alco-Cool might just be your million-dollar idea right there.

     
  • At 12:08 PM , Blogger you'dneverguess said...

    I seem to remember ending up in DeeBo's pigeon coop. Yeah, I was there, I've been practicing my astral projection.
    Potstickers. Hands down.

     
  • At 3:22 PM , Anonymous 123V said...

    Guess, you really WERE there! Beam me over to your world, lady! Or just give me some Beam. That'd be cool, too.

     
  • At 7:34 PM , Blogger Senor Caiman said...

    Valerie,

    Your picture is terrible, please post a good one so I can play with it. Please.

    I use to live in Maryland, Annapolis.

    PF Changs, there servers crack me up.

     
  • At 10:38 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Senor, you are far too kind. A woman can't hear that her picture is "terrible" enough. Are you single, my love? I am not surprised.

    In any case, here you go. Steal away: http://123valerie.blogspot.com/2006/12/happy-holidays.html

    http://123valerie.blogspot.com/2006/12/secrets-werent-made-for-this-woman.html#links

    I think they're the best I can do right now, kiddo, but have at it.

     

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