123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Feelin' the Love

Ya'll, can I be honest--between us friends? Valentine's Day bums me out. There I said it. I just conceded to every flipping stereotype this society has to offer about talented, intelligent, socially adept women with amazing racks who happen to be single. Happy now?

I do have one saving grace, though. A reason to smile in the dreariness of Valentine's Day--it's Kirstin's birthday. Isn't that just the sweetest thing? She's such a dear heart. It fits.

So, that is good news, but, in general, Valentime's Day, as my dear Dad calls it, leaves me cold. Why aren't those of us who cherish the love of family, good friends and Internet porn stars given a holiday? More importantly: Why don't people celebrate their love for each other every day?

I'll tell you why. It's because no woman wants that many stuffed animals or sets of red, lacy lingerie (ling-ger-ee, as some of my family members call it).

Boys (and lesbians) can I let you in on a secret? No self-respecting, intelligent woman wants a stuffed animal, period. Past the age of 12, what use does one have for a wad of fake fur and some polyester filling that's probably going to give us a rash anyway? (Okay, outside of the mascot for the Youngstown Scrappers, and that was just one time, so you can shut up now.) Further, no woman not posing for Penthouse would be caught dead in one of those snappy, crotchless get ups.

Alright. Alright. I might be up for wearing one, but that's my business. Don't judge, and trust me when I say that your classy lady doesn't want to wear it.

So, in an effort to enjoy this flipping holiday, I invited some wonderful friends over for dinner and wine. Lots of wine. Then the heavens had to go and barf out a bunch of snow and ice, so we're postponing, which means Wonder Dog Bean and I will be enjoying a Sex and the City marathon for V Day.

Maybe "enjoying" is not the right word. Tolerating, while muttering curses against the world and chowing down Tostino's Pizza Rolls is probably more accurate.

Ah well, best laid plans, though I'd settle for plans that involved a mediocre lay right about now. Welcome to Mercury Retrograde, my pretties.

In the Comments Section, please wish Kirstin a Happy Birthday and tell me what you're doing for Valentime's Day. The winner of the the best plans gets some of my Pizza Rolls.

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  • At 12:18 AM , Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

    I'm not into stuffed animals, but of course I can't just throw away all the teddy bears men have gotten me ill-advised. So I store them in my room at my parents' house. It's like a tomb for ex-boyfriend teddy bears.

    My current BF gave me a stuffed cucumber. I have to admit that I do sleep with him. At first it was because it was fun to sleep with such a ridiculous thing, but now he's just soft and comfy.

    I DID have the best plans: http://whitecastle.com/ValentinesDay

    But the friend I made them with actually got a real date for V-day and cancelled on me. So I will be washing my hair (just to be fancy), working, and spending the evening watching Scrubs. Wheee!

  • At 7:29 AM , Anonymous Kirstin said...

    Ya know I am kinda bummed too this year. I usually love Valentine's Day, ya know cause it's my birthday. But this year, ah, not so much. I just want to crawl into bed and turn off the freaking alarm clock that is still blaring at me!!!! Hopefuly, someday soon I get out of this funk. I think I need to meet new people, got any ideas how to go about it????

  • At 8:23 AM , Blogger Lisa said...

    So, I happen to love stuffed animals. Not the hard kind of hallmark stuffed animals, but the super soft, mega squishy kind. My parents, bless their hearts, bought me a Build-A-Bear for my 21st birthday (note for boys: that is the fastest way into my heart). I guess they were excited about it too because they sent it to me again on my 22nd birthday. I left it at home when I moved, so why bother reinventing the wheel, right?

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTIN! My goal every day of the year is to meet new people. I am thinking about joining a sports league or something. Maybe an art class. But really, I like meeting people organically. It's how I met you! And you happen to be rad. Super rad. But if you ever want to go on people meeting missions, let me know! I kind of always wanted to do speed dating as a joke. Up for it? Anyone?

    Val- My Val-entines Day consists of NOT A DAMN THING! Want to hit the town for a pity party with me? A PJ pity party? (do you think we can go out in our PJs? I have a coupon for Chevy's... Buy one get one $3.99. hehe).

    See you soon!


  • At 8:48 AM , Blogger Kristin said...

    Enjoy the SATC. I'm, um, working. From home. In my pajamas. My kind of holiday.

  • At 9:38 AM , Blogger mist1 said...

    No stuffed animals. Also, please no figurines.

    I am vibrator shopping today. Dinner was last night, although anyone with reservations is invited to take me out again.

  • At 10:24 AM , Blogger you'dneverguess said...

    I do not acknowledge Valentine's Day as an actual holiday/event/"day"/whatever. Like you said Val, Husband and I show our love for each other every day. I know, mushy, but it's true.
    Today I think we will get home from work, figure out what to make for dinner, throw on some music, get a fire going (it's a necessity, it our wood stove heats the house), and hang out. Husband and KB have been scheming to get me on some web porn chat cam thing, so maybe we'll work on that. Think snowboarding boots and rollerskates.

  • At 11:15 AM , Blogger Matt said...

    I'm just going to call up every black person I know to try to get some weed. I was bummed you had to postphone the party, too.

    Happy birthday, Kristen.

  • At 11:16 AM , Blogger Matt said...

    And I agree. I'm from Vermont. I know exactly where the Vermont Teddy Bear factory is in Stowe. But it's pretty gay to pay $80-100 for a stuffed bear.

    I want to ask ABC Liquor if they do gift certificates.

  • At 12:30 PM , Blogger you'dneverguess said...

    Matt, I feel for you man. We'll smoke a bowl in your honor tonight.

  • At 12:55 PM , Blogger Hey Pretty said...

    I too am working from home in my jammies (yes, i just said jammies. i'm a nerd, what of it?). I may haul ass to the gym later, as what is more poignant than seeing a single woman trying to tone her ass into shape on a day when everyone else is celebrating their couple-ness? Then I will drink a bottle of wine and wonder why I haven't heard from either of the two men I am supposedly "dating" in two days. And I hate stuffed animals.

  • At 6:29 PM , Blogger Starboard Tack said...

    I assume, despite your dislike of this holiday, that I can still wish you a Happy V-Day...

  • At 6:51 PM , Blogger Lee said...

    Happy VD Valerie! I can't come out this weekend, but keep inviting me. I have my kids every other weekend. Would be much fun.

  • At 7:29 PM , Blogger WanderingGirl said...

    Happy birthday Kristen!

    For Single's Awareness Day, I:
    a) had no power and MD appt was cancelled.
    b) bought KFC for dinner
    c) chilled a bottle of Big Ass Chardonnay (no joke)
    d) literally "fell" for a boy when I flipped my bike over and landed sliding-head-first-into-home-style on the concrete, which
    e) fucked up my new pink shoes.

    I'll start blogging the story as soon as I have the second glass of wine and am done cruising my daily blogs. I wish I had Sex and the City DVDs to watch!

  • At 12:36 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Hy Biscuits, is that we're calling them these days? "Stuffed cucumbers"? Alright. I'll play along. I sleep better after I've had some sausage stuffing.

    K, Happy Birthday! I'm so sorry--I'm the worst friend ever! I blogged, but didn't call. Bad Val. I love you, sweets.

    Lisa, I am giving you a high five for bringing back "rad" to my vernacular. Friends is friends, lady--joinging and speed dating and meeting folks at the grocery store is all good.

    Yay for PJs, Kristin! Can't wait to see you Saturday!

    Oh, Mist, the figurines. The wretchedness. I'll take it a step further: I'd had to break faces if I was given a Disney figurine.

    Guess, just be sure to drop off the address of that there chat room, love. Hoo rah!

    Matty, it is very homosexual to pay $100 for a bear. My Very Gay Friend Mark thought it was perfectly normal. That's how I know. T-minus, like, six minutes till party time. Woo hah!

    HP, it's a pajama jammy jam! Woo hah to you, too!

    ST, that's so sweet. Of course you can--I'm not anti-Valentine's Day. I'm anti-I Don't Like For People To Feel Sorry for Me Because I Did Not Recieve a Dozen Stinky Roses Day. So, Happy Valentine's to you, too, my dear.

    Lee Baby, you got it, lady. We'll keep you on the roster!

    Oh NO, WG! Not the pink shoes. You can make a new appointment, recover your pride and get over the Honey BBQ Wings, but not the pink shoes. Damn.

  • At 12:10 PM , Blogger Jon said...

    I'm sorry... did you say something after "amazing racks"?

    Happy day after.


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