123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

The Blacker the Berry, the Paler the 123Valerie

I accidentally found a blackberry bush while walking Wonder Dog Bean the other day.

Maybe it's the hormones in my new birth control or maybe it's the Pisces moon, but I started getting all metaphorical and weepy about picking blackberries.

See, blackberry bushes have thorns, a point that escaped me as I dove in and found myself elbow deep in sharp, pricky things—and not of the good variety.

As I withdrew and let loose the requisite, "Shit Fire Asshole!" (Yes, of course you may use it Love Monkey), I noticed the birds that landed gently on the branches and plucked the berries up without any trouble.

So, I started thinking of myself as a blackberry bush. And how maybe no one ever plucked my sweet berries of love because they were too aggressive, which brought about my thorns, when all it took was a deft little bird named A.J. who knew precisely how to land on me.


Okay, "sweet berries of love" is just gross. And A.J. is a giant, soaring manly eagle, not a deft little bird, but still—I think it works.

As with the mulberries, we are psyched to make some wine out of the blackberries, just as soon as we get batches of crabapple, honeysuckle and Cool Ranch Dorito wines going. You can turn anything into wine, and we are determined to do just that.

In fact, we were making big plans to turn our wine into a business—a little roadside stand sort of thing.

Then we found out selling homemade wine or beer is illegal. Damn The Man. Now, we're just gonna have to drink the stuff or give it away. Le sigh.

So, in a completely unrelated matter, I met A.J.'s Dad and Step-Mom. And some very nice Jewish parents who belonged to somebody or other, Linda and Ron.

A.J.'s Dad and Step-Mom were lovely enough, but it was the random parents whom I enjoyed the most. Ron took A.J. aside and told him I was a keeper. I knew I loved Jewish folks for a reason.

So, alright. No real point here. Move along, people. Nothing to see here ... That's a little truer than I'd like to admit.

Actually, you know what? I'm doing this whole "mind over matter" self-help stuff. I’m learning to retrain my thoughts, so here goes: There's a lot happening. I'm working on mastering songs for my friends' Glynnie and Flo's wedding. The weight-loss bonanza is still on. And I plan to get a haircut soon. Good stuff, indeed.

And most importantly, I found some mother-effing blackberries—a little bit of sweetness in super trafficky, see-into-your-neighbors' houses, never find a parking space USA.

Happy July 5, everybody. It's all about the red, white and blackberries.

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  • At 9:58 PM , Blogger Tiggerlane said...

    Sweet berries of love?? Holy crap - I am laughing so hard!!

    Hysterical. OR...I've had waaaay too much Disaronno tonight.

    Nah - it's the sweet berries of love.

  • At 11:36 PM , Blogger CamiKaos said...

    we make a lot of wine around here... here being my house, not my neighborhood or anything, but I've never thought to make it from doritos, cool ranch or otherwise... mmm. untasty...

  • At 12:15 AM , Blogger Around My Kitchen Table said...

    What memories you brought back - a pile of brothers and sisters crammed into a rackety old car and setting off for Exmoor(beautiful moorland in South West England)to pick whortleberries (wild blueberries), a picnic with mum and dad, then home again where my mother would make whortleberry pie which we would eat with clotted cream made from milk from our cows. (Wipes away nostalgic tear!)

  • At 5:31 AM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    uno, dos, tres, I really want a picture of your new haircut. as for sweet berries of love ... YUM.

  • At 7:43 AM , Blogger WanderingGirl said...

    I will trade wampum for wine. It's not selling if it's a trade.

    And I love all the love around here. Good stuff indeed.

    Now, don't forget to show us your new hair!!!

  • At 8:02 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I have only accidently made wine what with fruit long forgotten in a container in my fridge. I wouldn't drink it though. liked your metaphore.

  • At 8:22 AM , Blogger Kristin said...

    Glad you're so happy, 123. :)

  • At 7:10 PM , Blogger Kay said...

    How did the mulberry wine making go? Was it good?

    The story about Linda and Ron cracked me up. What Ron said was true, though.

  • At 8:02 PM , Anonymous watermelon said...

    Jews are really good with money but they usually have bad breath. What is his breath like?

  • At 8:19 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I lurve me some homemade blackberry cobbler. That's more what 123 is about...hot juicy sweet cobbler that would melt anyones ice cream just to touch.

    Happy 8th of July babydoll.

  • At 9:34 AM , Anonymous Rodrigo said...

    Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Se você quiser linkar meu blog no seu eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso. (If you speak English can see the version in English of the Camiseta Personalizada. If he will be possible add my blog in your blogroll I thankful, bye friend).

  • At 10:53 AM , Blogger Stacy said...

    Jews have good taste in everything except wine. Don't even try that Manichevitz stuff, I'm serious.

  • At 12:58 PM , Blogger Spellbound said...

    Okay, I'm getting out the winemaking kit my children got me for Christmas two years ago (God, am I really that hard to shop for?) and I'm gonna make me some blackberry wine. I'll let you know how it turns out.

  • At 10:53 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Val, I just know you are a wonderful wine maker. I just do.

    To wine, love and damning the man.


  • At 8:48 PM , Blogger Woodrow said...

    I'll trade you that steamer (new in box!) for a jug of blackberry wine. It's a good deal.

  • At 10:41 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    So AJ isn't Jewish?

  • At 12:09 AM , Blogger mist1 said...

    If you need someone to give the wine to, I'm your girl.

  • At 3:14 PM , Blogger Starboard Tack said...

    I am going blackberry picking too -- the real activity, not the metaphorical activity.

  • At 7:30 AM , Blogger WanderingGirl said...

    Are you trying to get me to start an internet rumor that you were abducted by aliens? 'Cause I will.

  • At 8:08 PM , Blogger Herr Krokodil said...

    I like Hasidic Jews with the hat and beard.

  • At 6:31 AM , Blogger Akelamalu said...

    If you want an expert opinion on whether your home made wine is good I'll be happy to oblige!

    Thanks for commenting whilst I've been away! x

  • At 6:32 AM , Blogger Akelamalu said...

    PS get your awards up! ;)

  • At 3:01 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    where the hell are you?


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