The Blacker the Berry, the Paler the 123Valerie

I accidentally found a blackberry bush while walking Wonder Dog Bean the other day.


Maybe it's the hormones in my new birth control or maybe it's the Pisces moon, but I started getting all metaphorical and weepy about picking blackberries.

See, blackberry bushes have thorns, a point that escaped me as I dove in and found myself elbow deep in sharp, pricky things—and not of the good variety.

As I withdrew and let loose the requisite, "Shit Fire Asshole!" (Yes, of course you may use it Love Monkey), I noticed the birds that landed gently on the branches and plucked the berries up without any trouble.

So, I started thinking of myself as a blackberry bush. And how maybe no one ever plucked my sweet berries of love because they were too aggressive, which brought about my thorns, when all it took was a deft little bird named A.J. who knew precisely how to land on me.

Wait.

Okay, "sweet berries of love" is just gross. And A.J. is a giant, soaring manly eagle, not a deft little bird, but still—I think it works.

As with the mulberries, we are psyched to make some wine out of the blackberries, just as soon as we get batches of crabapple, honeysuckle and Cool Ranch Dorito wines going. You can turn anything into wine, and we are determined to do just that.

In fact, we were making big plans to turn our wine into a business—a little roadside stand sort of thing.

Then we found out selling homemade wine or beer is illegal. Damn The Man. Now, we're just gonna have to drink the stuff or give it away. Le sigh.

So, in a completely unrelated matter, I met A.J.'s Dad and Step-Mom. And some very nice Jewish parents who belonged to somebody or other, Linda and Ron.

A.J.'s Dad and Step-Mom were lovely enough, but it was the random parents whom I enjoyed the most. Ron took A.J. aside and told him I was a keeper. I knew I loved Jewish folks for a reason.

So, alright. No real point here. Move along, people. Nothing to see here ... That's a little truer than I'd like to admit.

Actually, you know what? I'm doing this whole "mind over matter" self-help stuff. I’m learning to retrain my thoughts, so here goes: There's a lot happening. I'm working on mastering songs for my friends' Glynnie and Flo's wedding. The weight-loss bonanza is still on. And I plan to get a haircut soon. Good stuff, indeed.

And most importantly, I found some mother-effing blackberries—a little bit of sweetness in super trafficky, see-into-your-neighbors' houses, never find a parking space USA.

Happy July 5, everybody. It's all about the red, white and blackberries.