123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Psychic Connection and 'Chubbies'

So, my life's been kind of turned upside down lately. It's gotten so screwball that I actually called a psychic last night.

Yes. I'm not kidding. Reverend Keith. He said, "Yeah, even your spirit guides are giving me a 'What the fuck?' sort of vibe."

"I know," I said.

There's not much else to say. It's been a tumultuous couple of days. For the $70 I spent for 20 minutes with Reverend Keith, I got some illumination and peace of mind. And fashion tips. He said I should wear more red.

Apparently, what I'm wearing has been on the mind of another guy, too. I looked at an apartment recently that I adored and could even afford. Sort of. The landlord seemed like a nice enough fellow. I wrote him an e-mail to let him know I was interested in the place but needed to look at a few more options.

Here's what I got back in reply:

"Frankly I consider you a desirable tenant. Especially if you dress everyday as you did to see the apartment ! I still can’t get the picture of your sumptuous décolletage out of my mind ! I was fighting off a chubby the whole time I was trying to walk around and show you the apartments. When you fist came in, I was pleased to meet you, but it was even more exciting to see that you were even more excited to meet me ! I’ll tell you what is prudent; me fighting off the urge to ravage your bod then and there, as your erect nipples were poking thru your top enticing and inviting. Just in case you were wondering, your breasts and nipples look fantastic, but you probably already knew that. Thank you for displaying them. How could you be a pain with a look like that ? (If this is more info then you needed to know, or offense taken to, that is not intended, I apologize. I figure anyone who dresses like that can handle the “feedback” It is intended as a compliment.)"

'Scuse me while I hork a little bit.

(By the way, I was wearing a tank top and a jacket, my pretties. What the fuck?)

Note to all of you landlords out there: Complimenting a woman's nipples does not entice her to move into your place. Now, if he'd have written an ode to my ass ...

Lost, kids. Just plain lost and disheartened.

In the comments section, tell me if you've ever called a physic and/or recieved a dirty letter for a landlord -- current, potential or former.



  • At 9:23 AM , Blogger Jon said...

    Holy crap. I bet the apartment comes with hidden cameras.

  • At 10:41 AM , Blogger lorelai236 said...

    First of all, you do look lovely in red.

    Second, ewwwwww!! That landlord is a jerkoff. Literally. I'm happy to open up my can of whup-ass. Just say the word.

    Third, I'm so glad you're back online!! You make cyberspace brighter. :)

  • At 10:50 AM , Blogger Woodrow said...

    That's hilarious!

    No, never consulted a psychic and neither have I ever been verbally molested by a landlord.

  • At 2:22 PM , Blogger Akelamalu said...

    What a pervert!

    I've been to several psychics and have been known to have some insights myself whilst practising Reiki.

    Never had a 'dirty' letter from a landlord, just love letters from MWM. :)

  • At 7:18 PM , Anonymous krok4 said...


    You're such a wimp. Sounds like a fun guy and a fun place.

    Are you still going out with that Jew?

  • At 6:12 AM , Blogger Sturdy Girl said...

    I don't have to call a psychic, I have a "resident psychic," my friend and co-worker, Bunny, so I'm lucky that way.

    I have never been "lucky" enough to get a creepy email from a landlord, though. Usually I don't find out they're creepy until the lease is signed.

  • At 6:45 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    EW, how creepy. Just remember, the landlord will have a KEY to your apartment! God knows what he would do in your closet!!! YIKES!!!

    Um, no, I've never contacted a psychic nor have I been sexually harassed by a landlord. I feel sort of empty now.

  • At 8:59 PM , Anonymous Kirstin said...

    OMG! You have got to be making that up!!! Serously, I have heard some "compliments" about my chest before, but that takes the grand prize of crazy!!
    I have indeed called a physic. I was drunk. Boy, was I sorry when I got that phone bill. You know how much I can talk when I am drunk!! :)
    Things will get better. I promise!!
    Love ya!!!

  • At 9:25 PM , Blogger Winter said...

    Man it's been forever since anyone has said anything about my nipples.

  • At 8:48 PM , Blogger WanderingGirl said...

    Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww! I once got propositioned by a potential landlord who thought I'd be willing to trade sex for rent since, obviously, PT's knew how to do certain thing the average girl wouldn't. Nasty fat bastard.

  • At 10:17 PM , Blogger mist1 said...


    Val, you can call me for $50. Anytime.

  • At 5:15 AM , Blogger Kristin said...

    My friend Joe used to work at a psychic hotline. He's now a lawyer. Anyway... I'm just looking for my landlord to send a repairman. She's never hit on me, though. I'm disappointed. Of course, I've only really seen her twice in the past three years. Maybe she just doesn't know what she's missing.

  • At 5:46 AM , Blogger Nosjunkie said...

    Nope sorry on both counts I cant afford calling those guys so I taught myself to read the tarot cards. this is great as I am a libran who battles to make eny kind of disssi.... choice now I rip out my deck and let the cards decide for me.
    My last land lord was a very ugly woman and I dont think she was into that.

    By the way hallo again
    I am so glad to see that you have not abandon us for face book
    I missed you lots Val

  • At 1:13 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Lordy! What gives this guy the gumption to comment like that? Wacko.

  • At 8:05 AM , Blogger Frankily said...

    So that's why I kept getting weird looks when I complimentd people on their nipples.

  • At 12:31 PM , Blogger James Burnett said...

    Long time. Sheesh! What have I missed?

    Hang in there. Whatever's ailin' ya will get better. That's my mantra these days.

    BTW, I would've given you Rev. Keith's advice for $5 and a 12-pack of Schlitz.

    Anyway, I've never gotten a nasty letter from a landlord, but in college I did have a landlord's wife drunkenly try to grab my package during a barbecue.


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