It’s Getting Hot In Here

It’s been a trying couple of days in 123V Land on many levels, but most relevant to you (and it really is about you, my pretties), my laptop did the technological equivalent of shoving a dozen BW3’s Blazin Wings into its dome at once, and its head exploded.

Or maybe its fan just stopped working and it overheated.

Either way, before I sent my official help request to our IT guys, I made a call on the Bat Line to one of my favorites.

“Dude, my laptop died. You guys are going to have to do some serious work. Um, but first … I need you to erase my Web site history. Oh, no reason. I’ve certainly not been looking at porn.”

And so began the saga of a week fraught with techno glitches which left me disconnected from the Intertubes and, thus, very productive.

For no good reason, just because I haven’t told this story here yet and it may be a while until I can post again, and also because I remembered it after spending some time with Bonnie and Kirstin over Christmas at our old haunt, Joe’s, in Canton, Ohio, please to enjoy: 123Valerie and the Hot Australian.

So, round about June 2006, Bonita and Kirstin were visiting me in D.C. from Ohio. I was still living with Roommate Jeremy at the time.

We went out and saw Hot Australian Guy (HAG) on the Metro into the city.

We drank a lot.

Then we saw hot Australian guy and hot friends on the Metro home from the bar. Thusly, we invited hotties back to our place for after hours and lots of alcohol. [Sidenote: We later deduced these guys were probably about 19 years old, but I swear, officer, they had the accents of 30-year-old hot Australians.]

HAG asked if we had boyfriends. Bonnie said no. Kirstin said she had a husband. I said I had a roommate for whom I was working out feelings.

Drinking ensued. I told HAG the whole Jeremy story to which he says, "What's wrong with this asshole? How could he not want you? You're beautiful and smart and funny and you have beautiful tits and you have the voice of an angel. What an asshole." [Sidenote: It should really come as no surprise that at this point, I had innocently taken my shirt off. I was in my own home. That’s what being ‘Merican is about.]

Thank you, HAG.

We were all piled in my bed (six of us, if memory serves) having an innocent sing-along at 5 in the morning when Roommate Jeremy came home with his ex-girlfriend.

HAG made some snide comments about Jeremy preferring his ex to me and, most importantly, what an absolute asshole he was for wearing an orange shirt. Right-o.

Roommate Jeremy was, understandably, pissed that a) there was company at 5 a.m. b) the company was hot and shirtless c) hot, shirtless company was piled in my bed. Whatever.

The sing along ended and HAG got increasingly agitated that Roommate Jeremy is
in bed with his ex and not me. Then, Kirstin and I made the dire mistake of going to the bathroom, and HAG sent Bonnie in "to check on us."

HAG proceeded to bust in on Roommate Jeremy and his ex in bed and provoked a fight to avenge my honor. The Ex shrieked and we all came running out the bathroom, Three Stooges like, and tried to pull the guys apart. It took three women and a couple of misplaced punches before we got them separated.

HAG repeatedly called Roommate Jeremy’s ex slightly amusing insults like “dirty mole” and Kirstin jumped in to yell at Jeremy, "This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been such a pig!" Which is true. You go, girl.

Bloodied lips and death threats later, Kirstin and Bonnie took HAG & Company home while I tried to calm down Roommate Jeremy and his ex.

The ex, understandably confused, asked Roommate Jeremy why some stranger was insulting her and why my friends hate him.

He lied and told her that I was delusional and had been throwing myself at him for some time and that I couldn’t get it through my head that nothing would ever happen with us.

Oof. Liar, liar pants on fire.

But, in probably one of the lowest moments of my life, I backed him up. I didn’t let on to the ex that anything happened between us, but said, instead, that the HAG felt bad for me and was trying to stick up for me. Or some such bullshit. Oh, stupid girl.

Finally, at around 7 a.m., everybody conked out. I was a nervous wreck until Roommate Jeremy woke up at 5 p.m. the next day.

The ex went home, and I put everything on the table and said, "Roommate Jeremy, a perfect stranger recognizes that you were a bastard to me, and was moved to violence about it. Every single one of my friends things I'm ridiculous for even caring about you. No one thinks that you're good enough for me. What the hell? You lied to your ex and made me look like the asshole. There are so many things I hate about you. Why did you have to invest so much time and energy to get me into bed if it was just sex?"

His response: "Well, I think you read into things too much." Obviously. "Oh, and I knew you'd stick up for me. I was just trying to save face with the ex--there was already enough drama."

Bastard. So, the next night, I made out with a hot guy in Megan Jane’s backyard, and I have never felt better. Except for maybe the bug bites.

The End.

In the Comments section, tell me about your favorite Hot Australian.