Feelin' the Love

Ya'll, can I be honest--between us friends? Valentine's Day bums me out. There I said it. I just conceded to every flipping stereotype this society has to offer about talented, intelligent, socially adept women with amazing racks who happen to be single. Happy now?

I do have one saving grace, though. A reason to smile in the dreariness of Valentine's Day--it's Kirstin's birthday. Isn't that just the sweetest thing? She's such a dear heart. It fits.

So, that is good news, but, in general, Valentime's Day, as my dear Dad calls it, leaves me cold. Why aren't those of us who cherish the love of family, good friends and Internet porn stars given a holiday? More importantly: Why don't people celebrate their love for each other every day?

I'll tell you why. It's because no woman wants that many stuffed animals or sets of red, lacy lingerie (ling-ger-ee, as some of my family members call it).

Boys (and lesbians) can I let you in on a secret? No self-respecting, intelligent woman wants a stuffed animal, period. Past the age of 12, what use does one have for a wad of fake fur and some polyester filling that's probably going to give us a rash anyway? (Okay, outside of the mascot for the Youngstown Scrappers, and that was just one time, so you can shut up now.) Further, no woman not posing for Penthouse would be caught dead in one of those snappy, crotchless get ups.

Alright. Alright. I might be up for wearing one, but that's my business. Don't judge, and trust me when I say that your classy lady doesn't want to wear it.

So, in an effort to enjoy this flipping holiday, I invited some wonderful friends over for dinner and wine. Lots of wine. Then the heavens had to go and barf out a bunch of snow and ice, so we're postponing, which means Wonder Dog Bean and I will be enjoying a Sex and the City marathon for V Day.

Maybe "enjoying" is not the right word. Tolerating, while muttering curses against the world and chowing down Tostino's Pizza Rolls is probably more accurate.

Ah well, best laid plans, though I'd settle for plans that involved a mediocre lay right about now. Welcome to Mercury Retrograde, my pretties.

In the Comments Section, please wish Kirstin a Happy Birthday and tell me what you're doing for Valentime's Day. The winner of the the best plans gets some of my Pizza Rolls.