Down on the Corner, Out in the Street (Then a House Party in Bethesda and Finally Back Home Sometime Around 9 This Morning)

It's amazing how beer can navigate an entire day.

It all started when I met Will for lunch yesterday at Hops Brewery in Alexandria. Now, it's true that no beer was actually consumed at the beer-themed brewery/restaurant during our lunch, but I did walk away with a bag of adult goodies to review, which is nearly as good as beer. Three words: Vibrating Rubber Ducky. Three more words: Female Enhancement Creme. Three final words: Cherry-Vanilla Flavored. Actually, two words if you consider the hyphen, but the point is that I got a big bag of fun.

After lunch, Scotty called and said--well, actually shouted--"I'm drunk! Wooohoooo! Come have a beer at Kelly's Irish Times with us."

Alright, sir, I will. But, Scotty neglected to tell me that they (Hi Kimberlicious, Busta Keeton and new friend Queen Z) were at a street fest/bar crawl that was actually outside of the bar. So, along with Guinness chicly dispensed from a beer wagon, I got to witness the oddest collection of people hoping to get laid that I have ever seen. And I have seen a lot. In fact, I'm usually one of them.

The scene was set to the background music of a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band, which if I'm being completely honest, sounded pretty darn good. But, while the band's playing was a notch above mediocre, the lead singer's banter with the crowd was kind of off. Let's just say his mish-mash outfit of a black leather vest paired with plaid pajama pants was a pretty good metaphor for his stage presence.

"D.C.! D.C.! Where you at? Are you ready to get fucking wasted? Yeah! How 'bout this beautiful sunshine? Wow! Give it up for the lovely azure blue sky accented with cottonball clouds. I think I just saw one in the shape of a bunny. Hell yeah!"


"Where'd my sexy dancers go? Come back here and shake your hot asses. Seriously, though, I know you're more than just nice bodies. I appreciate your sense of movement and your creative use of the space. If you want to meet up after the show, we could do some Jager shots and I could sign your tits, then I'd love to hear about your dreams and goals for the future. For reals."

It was weird and the perfect accompaniment for the crowd. Kim swore she could tell the Georgetown boys from the D.C. debs from the Maryland dudes from the the awkward older people who were just waiting for the young girls to get wrecked. Still being a relative D.C. Metro newbie, I was quite impressed with her talent, though I must say that a man's decision to wear a sweater tied over his shoulders or to sport a yellow bandana a la sweatband style did help her categorize much more quickly. Note to all the fellas: Don't wear a sweater tied around your shoulders or a yellow bandana a la sweatband.

We were minding our own business, critiquing the crowd when a lovely sprite of a girl named Lauren came over and proceeded to bestow us with beaded necklaces and compliments.

I got some Guinness beads and: "Oh! You're the perfect Guinness girl. I love your hair! You're so pretty!" Then she asked to take my picture. What can I say? She has good taste.

She brought her friends over and there were awkward, random introductions followed by awkward, random chitchat. Then out of nowhere an invitation to a pirate house party in Bethesda at Lauren's brother's place. "Come back with us. We'll have beers and barbecue!"

Hmm? Sharing beers with strangers 20 minutes away--Okay! Sold!

We all piled in the car (safely, not to worry) with our new friend and Navigator, Danny, a lesbian who needs a hook up, yo. If you know any nice single women in the area, let me know. It's all about the love at 123Valerie Strikes Again.

After a short stop at a Korean bodega for beer (and donuts for Scotty), we were Bethesda bound. Suffice to say it was a strange trip with six slightly drunk people, a bag of Doritos, some deodorant and an Elvis lamp all sharing the car space.

We arrived at the casa to meet John Swan, slightly surprised to see Danny leading a crowd of strangers into his home, but he handled the situation with aplomb. He was very welcoming, even giving us the full house tour including all three bathrooms and a set of stairs that lead to nowhere. Neat.

Little by little, the rest of crowd, including Lauren, arrived and helped explain our unexplained presence. The men of the house, Lauren's brother Mike, John Swan, John Con and Jimmy were wonderful hosts. There were delectable meat products, and John Swan even went so far as to make out with 123Valerie to ensure all of my needs were attended to. We have plans to see each other later this week, so I'll keep you posted.

Somehow, though, we decided that we were tired of drinking beer at home. "Let's drink beer somewhere else," someone said. "Yes! That's a great idea!" we all chimed.

So, a brave group of bar goers was assembled to stumble toward downtown Bethesda. I don't think anything of note really happened, but again, just wanted to illustrate that my entire day's activities were beer flavored. Mmm. Beer flavored.

Hmm? "Hey, JennyJenny8675309, want to go get a beer?" I just asked her.

"Sure."

Here we go again.

In the Comments Section, tell about the worst cover band you ever heard. I'll buy the winner a beer.