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I think the Mafia is behind BMG Music.

I got suckered into the whole "45 CDs for 1 cent" program several years ago, and believe it or not kids, it's actually a fairly good deal. I may have sold my soul to the devil for it, but I typically pay about $4 for a CD.

Granted, I like to beef up my collection with the likes of Gordon Lightfoot, ELO and Lionel Richie, so I'm sitting pretty. You hipsters who are digging the Artic Monkies and Panic at the Disco and OK Go might not enjoy so much. In fact, you hipsters have no need for antiquated CDs because you've got your iPods and beanpods and spacepods and whatnot. But, you know what I always say: John Denver's music is proof that Jesus loves us.

Anyhoo, I logged on to redeem a few of my 67 free CDs from BMG. That's what a 14-year membership will get you--and two weekends a year at the BMG time share in Tampa.

I realized that I hadn't changed the "preferred" shipping address for my BMG Music account, so I zipped over to the records page and guess what, my pretties? They already knew.

How? I know I didn't tell them. I registered a change of address with the post office, of course, but if the Maryland Department of Motor Vehicles can't find me, then how in the hell did BMG? (Ha ha, suckas! You'll never catch me. I'll keep renewing my $37 Ohio license plates until I die. No way you're getting $442 to register my crappy car in the state!)

I was a bit freaked out. Until I got an e-coupon from BMG that read, "Please accept 12 Free CDs to congratulate you on your new home." Then I didn't care so much any more.

That's nice, isn't it? Still, I'm thinking I might cancel my membership after I blow through this latest round of free CDs.

(Eerie music)

Oh my God, you guys. I just got another e-coupon.

"Dear 123Valerie, thank you for mentioning us on your blog. To show you that you are a valued member of BMG Music and to encourage you to remain enrolled in our program, please accept 12 Free CDs as a token of our appreciation. Seriously. If you don't stay, we'll have to break your face. How's Wonder Dog Bean doing these days? It'd be a shame if something happened to her."

In the Comments section, please tell me how wonderful BMG Music is and how totally unnecessary it is to break my legs, because I love you BMG. Yes, I do. You're so pretty. The winner gets--what else?--12 Free CDs.