123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

You are Getting Very Sleepy. But Also Want to Study Efficiently. Bonus.

I have long used a series of self-hypnosis tapes. Seriously. A long time. Since I was 17 years old. My Mom bought The ICS, Inc. Self Improvement Series—eight tapes designed to rework your subconscious to achieve goals such as "Efficient Study and Exam Habits," "Forever a Non-Smoker," "Reduce Stress," and, well, "Achieving Your Goals."

Right now, the "Weight Control" tape is on heavy rotation at my place.

The hypnotherapist's name is Dr. David M. Friedman. His voice is not ideal for lulling listeners and some of his wording is a little off, but it does seem to work. I listen to the "soothing" sound of his voice every night as I drift to sleep.

Listen to Dr. Friedman's genius

This is totally my kind of therapy because I don't have to do anything. Just lie there. This, actually, is kind of why I need to listen to the weight control tape in the first place. But, whatever.

Dr. Freidman's suggestions don't have to be used before bed—when I was in high school I worked a very high-stress job at Subway. I was a certified Sandwich Artist, my pretties. Do you have any idea the pressure I was under? This was in the days when Subway still cut the "V" in the bread, rather than straight across. People were bitches about that.

"Well, it's Subway's patented cut, so your toppings don't fall out when you eat your sandwich." I would reason.

"I don't fucking care. Cut it straight across," replied Youngstown, Ohio's, finest consumers.

So, before work, I would lie down and pop in the Reduce Stress tape. And do you know what? It worked. I'd punch in at Subway, plop on my purple visor, bake some bread, make some tuna salad (one huge ass can of tuna and mayo. That's it, kids) eat some broken cookies and before I knew it, it was time to go home.

Now, I'm willing to concede that Delilah, whose heavenly voice wafted through the airwaves as I worked (I could just feel the love pouring out of that woman), also deserves some credit, but Dr. Friedman's suggestions have kept me on the up and up for years now.

Well, if you'll pardon me, I have to listen to my Make a Hearty Breakfast and Devote an Entire Day to Arts and Crafts tape now.

In the Comments section, tell me about your high school job or the alternative therapies and treatments you use. Double bonus points for anyone who's had a colonic.


  • At 12:54 PM , Blogger Flat Coke and Flies said...

    It's amazing to me the people who don't know who Delilah is!! And I miss the V-cut in my Subway sandwich. It just doesn't taste the same anymore.

    In high school I worked for a software tech support company out in the country in Chuck & Jan's house. I'm still wondering if those people were hiding from the gov't. It was Peachtree Accounting!! Anywho...my one and only GF used to make out there when my boss went away on business trips. They would leave me the best food to eat in their fridge too.

  • At 7:15 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Right away, I am starting in a hole, I don't know who Delilah is, and I was too young to have a job in high school.

    That said, there is a rock quarry out River Road. And when I need an attitude adjustment, I take an 8 pound sledge hammer and I go slaughter a few boulders. Lately, they tend to remain boulders, but they know I was pissed at them. I don't take any shit from boulders, you know.

  • At 7:18 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I always preferred my tuna subs with a V cut. Not just anyone can do it properly, you know. It takes a real specialist.

  • At 8:27 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Thanks, you guys. I preferred the V cut, too. For obvious moniker reasons, but whatever.

    FC&F, I think your high school job merits a post over at your blog, kiddo. While I was stuck slinging balogna, you were making with hot girls and fixing technical errors. Aw, hell no.

    Jefe, Deliliah is a radio star--she's like a female Casey Kasum (sp?). Her theme song is "Deliliah ... Love someone tonight ... Oooohhh"

    For the record, I scored a 98% on my Sandwich Artist test. yep. I'm an honor student.

  • At 10:23 PM , Blogger mist1 said...

    I listen to buzzing sounds in headphones with my therapist. I actually pay for this. She calls it EMDR. I call it being a sucker.

    I was a tour guide in an art museum in college. Who knew that I'd just turn out to be unemployed?

  • At 5:31 AM , Blogger Grampa said...

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 5:33 AM , Blogger Grampa said...

    I prescribe the GrampaAcid plan for weight control. Granted, it's not the old "crystal meth for thinner living" plan, but it's even better.

    It's the "sex five time a day" diet plan. Cumshots for cardio.

    And it sure beats the hell outta jogging.

  • At 10:59 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    My first job ever was a telephone solicitor (and no, it wasn't 1-800-CUM-HARD...that was University)
    I sold Vaccum demonstrations...yup, lasted three days and then I left them a note saying I wasn't coming back and that they could keep their friggin lame job.

  • At 1:07 PM , Blogger Johnny said...

    pron therapy.
    just leave the tapes on low as you go to sleep then oggle at all the pron stars dancing in your bed.



  • At 1:38 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Where did you people get all of these cool high shcool jobs--art museum tour guides, tech support? geez, I just smelled like salami.

    On a related note, AW, I actually had a side job dealing with vaccumes. I gave a lot of Hoovers. Ha. No I didn't. That's a lie. I gave exactly one boy a blow job in high school. Has name was Sean. Adelka Ann was making out with someone on the couch next to me. It was not very good.

    It took me several years to get back on the horse, or baloney pony if you will. Now I'm a champion. Really. I'm very good at it. But, I digress.

    Actually, not really. That's a nice seqway for Gramps. I too am a big fan of sexercise. How'd your trip to Philly go? I waited and waited by the phone, but you never called.

    And Johnny Bell Bottoms. I love me some *pron* Especially lesbian pron.

  • At 2:01 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    My first job was a telephone solicitor at 1-800-CUM-HARD.

    Okay...that was someone elses joke...

    I apologize. ;)


  • At 2:07 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    I "worked" as an athletic trainer through high school. Worked in quote because I didn't get paid and I put in a LOT of hours. At least I spent the time with cute, athletic boys.

    Actually, I'm still recovering from that but I do know how to wrap a groin. Good times.

  • At 2:10 PM , Blogger emertron said...

    Worked at a dry cleaners.

    For weight loss I suggest the looming threat of wearing a tutu in public to melt away extra pounds.

  • At 4:57 PM , Blogger Brokekid said...

    I'd like to find a tape that pays me while I'm sleeping, or at least convinces me that I'm getting paid. That would be slick.

  • At 10:09 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Well, Steven, at least you used someone else's good joke. Imitation is the best form of flattery, blah, blah, blah.

    K, were you a trainer for the Bobcats? The good 'ole Bridge.

    Hiya Emmie--good to see you again, kiddo. Always with the sound advice, too.

    Scotty, all we need to do is set up a Web cam in your bedroom, then you'd get paid to sleep. It's surprisingly easy. I mean, I've heard ...


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