You are Getting Very Sleepy. But Also Want to Study Efficiently. Bonus.

I have long used a series of self-hypnosis tapes. Seriously. A long time. Since I was 17 years old. My Mom bought The ICS, Inc. Self Improvement Series—eight tapes designed to rework your subconscious to achieve goals such as "Efficient Study and Exam Habits," "Forever a Non-Smoker," "Reduce Stress," and, well, "Achieving Your Goals."

Right now, the "Weight Control" tape is on heavy rotation at my place.

The hypnotherapist's name is Dr. David M. Friedman. His voice is not ideal for lulling listeners and some of his wording is a little off, but it does seem to work. I listen to the "soothing" sound of his voice every night as I drift to sleep.




Listen to Dr. Friedman's genius



This is totally my kind of therapy because I don't have to do anything. Just lie there. This, actually, is kind of why I need to listen to the weight control tape in the first place. But, whatever.

Dr. Freidman's suggestions don't have to be used before bed—when I was in high school I worked a very high-stress job at Subway. I was a certified Sandwich Artist, my pretties. Do you have any idea the pressure I was under? This was in the days when Subway still cut the "V" in the bread, rather than straight across. People were bitches about that.

"Well, it's Subway's patented cut, so your toppings don't fall out when you eat your sandwich." I would reason.

"I don't fucking care. Cut it straight across," replied Youngstown, Ohio's, finest consumers.

So, before work, I would lie down and pop in the Reduce Stress tape. And do you know what? It worked. I'd punch in at Subway, plop on my purple visor, bake some bread, make some tuna salad (one huge ass can of tuna and mayo. That's it, kids) eat some broken cookies and before I knew it, it was time to go home.

Now, I'm willing to concede that Delilah, whose heavenly voice wafted through the airwaves as I worked (I could just feel the love pouring out of that woman), also deserves some credit, but Dr. Friedman's suggestions have kept me on the up and up for years now.

Well, if you'll pardon me, I have to listen to my Make a Hearty Breakfast and Devote an Entire Day to Arts and Crafts tape now.

In the Comments section, tell me about your high school job or the alternative therapies and treatments you use. Double bonus points for anyone who's had a colonic.