123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Office Space

Something in my office smells like feta cheese.

I have no idea what it is, and because I have an office, and not a cubicle, I can't blame it on some weird guy named Randy who calls his mother 15 times a day. Nope, the fault it definitely mine.

I've searched high and low for the mystery smell, and I can't find it, but I did uncover a few other things:

1. The pocket reflexology guide I need to send to one of the guys I work with who is worth $4 billion. My Mom was a massotherapist and had a reflexology chart in her office for nearly 24 years. I always liked it, so now it's in my office, though I write financially sorts of things, not rub people down.

In any case, the $4 billion man stopped by for a visit the other day. He's a cool cat—likes beer and chicken tenders and, apparently, the idea of someone rubbing his feet, so I found him a wallet-sized reflexology chart to carry around. Now he can command people to rub his feet any time if he has, say, a pain in his pancreas. In which case, he'll want them to concentrate on his foot's arch.

2. EveryDay Detox Tea for healthy liver function. I think we all know that's definitely a must for a gal who likes bourbon.

3. Several healing stones from Megan Jane including Apache Tears, Rose Quartz, Amazonite and Blue Lace Agate. My friend Allison makes beautiful jewelry from healing stones and crystals. Al, you have the Web site up yet?

4. A bag of Herr's Salt and Pepper potato chips. Delicious, though I haven't had any since Monday.

5. About 47 various notes I hang on my door explaining why I'm not in my office including "I'm letting the dog out," "I'm out to lunch," "I'm in the shitter," and "I'm at a 'doctor's' appointment."

6. An Elvis statue. Thank you, thank you very much, Elvi, for your professional guidance.

7. A packet of honey from #1 Laura. I don't know why.

8. An exorbitant amount of naked baby pictures of my nephews and niece. And one naked photo of my friend, high-flying Double A. No, that's not true. But, Double A once showed me a porn video featuring Simon Rex, most noted for his stint as an MTV VJ, in which Simon was humping a rug. That's something you don't forget.

9. Papers. Lots and lots of papers.

10. A Yoda Pez dispenser the nice people at work handed out on Halloween. Powerful you have become, the dark side I sense in you, feta cheese aroma.

11. Business cards. With my name on them. That's silly. Business cards are for grownups.

12. Several Moby Dick's takeout menus. Just in case I have a kubidah emergency.

13. Half-eaten box of Girl Scout cookies (Samoas), which I have not touched since Monday, thank you goddamn diet.

Alright, 13 seems a good round number on which to stop. I've gotta get back to work, which means I'll close my door now so I look very important and busy.

In the Comments section, tell me what's in your work space. The winner of the coolest item gets my remaining Girl Scout cookies, including a box of Tag-Alongs and another full box of Samoas at home.


  • At 1:05 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Hmmm...so many interesting things in here.
    1. For some reason I have three different sets of Ultrasound pictures. Apparently I am the favourite "Auntie" round these parts. Little do they know - I can't make out a god damn thing on these and...I DON'T CARE TO. If I wanted to see the inside of your uterus I would have crawled up there already.
    2. Lucky Bamboo that I haven't managed to kill yet.
    3. A Dead Cactus named Brent - he's a little prick
    4. A half eaten package of Salt and Vinegar Wheat Berries

  • At 2:19 PM , Blogger mist1 said...

    One night, my kitchen smelled like cheese. There was no cheese in the house. I just lit a candle instead of trying to discover the source.

    My desk is cluttered with random items.

    Soap. Birth control pills. Index cards. Quarters. Scissors. Titanium dioxide. A belt. A wig. Feathers.

    Can you tell what I do? Neither can I.

  • At 2:27 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    A dub, you called a catcus a little prick--that's funny. You know what's NOT funny tho--didn't you kill Mr. Green Jeans, too?

    Based on your desk items, Miss Mist, I'd bet you were a hooker. I'm just sayin'.

  • At 2:52 PM , Anonymous Allison said...

    aw val i had a huge crush on siomn rex back in the day. haha. let's see on my desk is
    1. a tray with a silver leaf agate and onxy necklace

    2. my lamp from ikea that i have had for 7 years and never had to change the bulb (woohoo ikea)

    3. a hand thrown bowl i made in ceramics in college that has approximatly $2.39 in various coinage and the digital camera cable.

    4. speekers that do not work and i cannot figure out why

    6. a red bull yum

    7. a lopidolite crystal which is supposed to help with computer energy

    8. a box of envelopes

    9. a blue pokadot cup with
    a. a knife
    b. orange tick tacs
    c. a cigar
    d. a lighter
    e. a monopoly game piece from mcd's
    f. lotion
    g. a cork
    h. incence
    i. nail file
    j. bobby pin
    k. fake flower

    that was fun :)
    love you val

  • At 8:11 PM , Blogger Ally said...

    1. Bath & Body Works White Tea & Ginger lotion
    2. business cards
    3. a jar of cinnamon peppermints
    4. Crayola markers
    5. a banana
    6. lots of gum
    7. two boxes of oatmeal
    8. a red bird (it's fake and chirps at motion so I keep it turned off most of the time)
    9. lipsticks
    10. socks
    11. lots of legal pads & pens
    12. pics of my nieces

    How in the world can someone be in the presence of Tagalongs or Samoas and not eat them? That's real discipline.

  • At 11:02 PM , Blogger Johnny said...

    A com'pooter.


  • At 12:18 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Two Allsons and a Johnny Tsunami--what lovely comments today, kids. I feel like I was there with you, sitting at your desks. Especially because with my spy cameras, I was.

    Mwwaa haa haa!

  • At 9:14 PM , Anonymous AA said...

    WOAH! I have TONS of pictures/videos of Simon Rex, especially in his birthday suit! Oh, wait, my initials are AA..... could it be?!?!?!?

  • At 3:38 AM , Blogger Flat Coke and Flies said...

    20 gauge needles, lidocaine, iodinated contrast (deathly if allergic), procedure mask, bouffant caps, ugly doctors, and rude co-workers. I love girl scout cookies! Tagalongs are my fav!

  • At 3:39 AM , Blogger Flat Coke and Flies said...

    Oh wait I think I'd rather have a copy of the Simon Rex porn instead of my cookie....


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