Office Space

Something in my office smells like feta cheese.

I have no idea what it is, and because I have an office, and not a cubicle, I can't blame it on some weird guy named Randy who calls his mother 15 times a day. Nope, the fault it definitely mine.

I've searched high and low for the mystery smell, and I can't find it, but I did uncover a few other things:

1. The pocket reflexology guide I need to send to one of the guys I work with who is worth $4 billion. My Mom was a massotherapist and had a reflexology chart in her office for nearly 24 years. I always liked it, so now it's in my office, though I write financially sorts of things, not rub people down.

In any case, the $4 billion man stopped by for a visit the other day. He's a cool cat—likes beer and chicken tenders and, apparently, the idea of someone rubbing his feet, so I found him a wallet-sized reflexology chart to carry around. Now he can command people to rub his feet any time if he has, say, a pain in his pancreas. In which case, he'll want them to concentrate on his foot's arch.

2. EveryDay Detox Tea for healthy liver function. I think we all know that's definitely a must for a gal who likes bourbon.

3. Several healing stones from Megan Jane including Apache Tears, Rose Quartz, Amazonite and Blue Lace Agate. My friend Allison makes beautiful jewelry from healing stones and crystals. Al, you have the Web site up yet?

4. A bag of Herr's Salt and Pepper potato chips. Delicious, though I haven't had any since Monday.

5. About 47 various notes I hang on my door explaining why I'm not in my office including "I'm letting the dog out," "I'm out to lunch," "I'm in the shitter," and "I'm at a 'doctor's' appointment."

6. An Elvis statue. Thank you, thank you very much, Elvi, for your professional guidance.

7. A packet of honey from #1 Laura. I don't know why.

8. An exorbitant amount of naked baby pictures of my nephews and niece. And one naked photo of my friend, high-flying Double A. No, that's not true. But, Double A once showed me a porn video featuring Simon Rex, most noted for his stint as an MTV VJ, in which Simon was humping a rug. That's something you don't forget.



9. Papers. Lots and lots of papers.

10. A Yoda Pez dispenser the nice people at work handed out on Halloween. Powerful you have become, the dark side I sense in you, feta cheese aroma.

11. Business cards. With my name on them. That's silly. Business cards are for grownups.

12. Several Moby Dick's takeout menus. Just in case I have a kubidah emergency.

13. Half-eaten box of Girl Scout cookies (Samoas), which I have not touched since Monday, thank you goddamn diet.

Alright, 13 seems a good round number on which to stop. I've gotta get back to work, which means I'll close my door now so I look very important and busy.

In the Comments section, tell me what's in your work space. The winner of the coolest item gets my remaining Girl Scout cookies, including a box of Tag-Alongs and another full box of Samoas at home.