123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Does Not Taste Like Chicken

Twice yesterday I had intimate contact with flavored latex.

Reclined in the dentist's chair, my mouth agape, I asked the hygienist, "Arg youth warrrrng fwaverd gwobes?"

"Yeah, my gloves are grape flavored."

"No thit," came my reply. They've thought of everything.

My second latex connection came because I am expecting company this weekend from my lovely Connect-I-Cut-ians Adelka Ann and Justin P. (check the sidebar "Who in the Hell is She Talking About?" for details, my pretties.)

Anyhoo, I was trying to ready my room for them and remove any questionable items. As it was, I only had limited time so I settled on removing only the overtly questionable items like the collection of vibrators and flavored lubes I am reviewing. (I know, I know. A sex toy reviewer who isn't getting any. The irony is NOT lost on me, kids.)

In the mix of this stuff were some French vanilla flavored condoms. For the first time, I noticed the "Calorie Free!" stamp. Later that evening, grumbling about the stupid diet, I had another rare sweet tooth attack.

Imagine JennyJenny8675309's surprise when she caught me making out with the empty condom.

Ever the generous soul I said, "Want some?"

She did not.

In the Comments section, tell me the weirdest thing you've ever eaten. The winner will get a batch of blue raspberry flavored condoms that do not sound AT ALL appealing to me.


  • At 12:55 PM , Anonymous Allison said...

    you are so funny you almost made me squirt coffee out my nose.

    oh val i think you might be my funniest frined EVER and i have alot of funny frineds.

    will you do a little singing for us when we come down in a couple weekends :)

  • At 1:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Oh, sweet sad and horny Val.
    DEAR GOD - I'll come down and have sex with you if it's so bad you resorted to giving an empty condom a blow job.

  • At 4:10 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    OMG, I can't believe you put together that sidebar. It's impressive! Anyway...

    Are the grape-flavored gloves at the dentist anything like the grape-flavored flourine treatment? Completely disgustion and only grape-like enough to turn one off grape entirely until the end of time?

    I'll decline to compete with the weird foods - latex makes my tongue go numb. :p

  • At 4:17 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Hi! I've been reading your blog for a while, though I never left a comment. (I know. How rude am I?) Anyway, I made a list of my blogs I like on mine, mostly for my own benefit so I have a list of links somewhere. But anyway, if you'd rather not have a stranger linking to your blog or whatever, just let me know and I'll take the link down.

  • At 4:59 PM , Blogger nolongermrsborell said...

    I have to agree with Allison you are one of my funniest funny friends!!!!I am sitting her picturing you sucking on an empty comdom as your roommate walks in . Too funny!!!

  • At 5:05 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    Note: I just realized that I wasn't at all surprised by the thought of you making out with an empty condom.

  • At 11:05 PM , Blogger Flat Coke and Flies said...

    We gonna have to get that condom filled up!!!

  • At 11:23 PM , Blogger mist1 said...

    I hate grape.

    I still find that all flavored lubes taste like a$$. Or maybe they haven't been flavored.

  • At 1:10 AM , Blogger emertron said...

    Black pudding. Comeon, it's weird.

    Seriously, if you ever visit Chicago, I've gotta meet you. You crack my shit up.

    Also, have you seen this? http://www.ohmibod.com/overview.html

  • At 1:26 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Chocolate covered grasshoppers. We must have lunch soon.

  • At 2:02 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Al Bal, you make me squirt love out of my nose. I shall sing for you. How much whiskey are we talking?

    AW, you can quit it with the patronizing, cause I know you won't come down. Will you?

    K, honey, you're allergic to latex? The grape was quite good, I must say. Nothing like the swish.

  • At 2:08 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Hy Biscuits, please do whatever you need with me or my name. I mean that. I'm so glad you stopped by! I'll gladly swing by and see you soon, my pretty!

    The Ex-Mrs. Borrel, where do you think I learned it from, my darling. You and Allison would get along swimmingly.

    Thanks, K. NOW I think you're finally getting it about me.

  • At 2:15 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    FC &F, plan your attack, sister. Full speed ahead. Did i mention I am drunk?

    Mist, honey, so true. Flavored lubes taste worse than the stuff they're supposed to over the taste of. I ended a sentence with a prepositional phrase. I don't care.

    Emmie, once you go black, you never go back. We must do Chicago. I have many friends there, including the very leggy April. I have not seen that yet, but I will:)

    Hello Grasshopper Jefe, I like crunchy things. I also like crunchy things for lunch. Drop me a line on the e-mail. We should talk.


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