123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Why In the World Would Anybody Put Chains on Me?

Do you find Lionel Richie offensive?

See, after a big wig dinner last night with all of the billionaires who make my company a lot of money, I was heading to my room when a certain financial celebrity (who has a giant head, by the way. Literally. Huge noggin.) grabbed my arm and said, "Hey Red, you're having a drink with us."

Not one to ever turn down a free drink, I suddenly found myself standing around with the top bio-tech investing advisor, the editor of a very-well respected congressional publication that comes out quarterly (hint), our company president, the industry's leading expert on Asian investing and The Giant Head.

Alright. Okay. I can do this. No biggie.

I ordered a bourbon and water, which blew these cats away. I don't know why. I like bourbon, and it's hard to get a strawberry kiwi Bartles and Jaymes these days.

Anyhoo, it started just fine. For the most part, I nodded and smiled--it seemed safest. Then, a Lionel Richie song came on (Easy, by the way) and I had to go and open my big trap about how much I LOVE Lionel Richie, and I love him because he reminds me of my dead Mom, who died from cigarettes, so I hope none of you gentlemen smoke because you're all so handsome, and I want to hug you, and who decided that handshakes were a more acceptable greeting, I mean c'mon there are so many germs on our hands, we might as well lick each others' faces. I might have been drunk.

There was a bit of silence after that. They were obviously offended that a white woman could have such open and ardent adoration for a black man. Not my problem--it's 2007, gang. Get with it.

No one knew where to go from there, so I excused myself to use the loo.

Then, because I am a beacon of sound judgment, upon returning, I ordered another drink. I shut up, but not before accidentally agreeing to go to Disney (Land or World? I never know) with the Asian investing expert. He wants to hit Epcott, which is fine because I've never been.

Ya'll, seriously-I don't know how I get myself into these situations, but all of this crap is going in the novel.

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  • At 11:49 AM , Blogger Matt said...

    See, right there, you completely misinterpreted that. No one was flummoxed by your admiration for Dancing on the Ceiling (my stoner ex-girlfriend had that on vinyl). I think it MIGHT--and bear w/ me here--have had something to do w/ the dead mother.

    Um just sayin'. So stop the race-baiting, Red, and have sex w/ that chinaman you've been talkin' 'bout.

  • At 11:52 AM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Gee, ya think, Matty? Did you feel the sarcasm there, kid?

    There will be no sex with the Chinaman. Good day, sir.

  • At 11:55 AM , Blogger Matt said...

    I don't know, dude. I heard he's got a big wang. ;)

  • At 3:00 PM , Anonymous 123V said...

    It's become my personal mission to find some Chinese porn now.

  • At 4:14 PM , Blogger Lee said...

    Bourbon OR Strawberry Kiwi Bartles and James? You are totally fascinating!

    Does Panda Porn count?

  • At 5:26 PM , Blogger Matt said...


    And this is Chinese, not Japanese. I know the difference.

  • At 5:58 PM , Blogger WanderingGirl said...

    Doesn't surprise anyone here that Matt came up with Chinese porn in less than an hour and a half?

    Val- Plus 20 if you get the Chinaman to wear Mickey Mouse ears and get a picture. Posted, of course.

  • At 6:33 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    OK i went to watch the porn. Sweet.

    I like Lionel personally. Cause I'm Easy , easy like Sunday morning.

    Red, hope you get some good nookie outta the deal from all these big wigs with big wangs!!

  • At 11:18 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Lee Baby, in this context only, Panda Porn does count. I'd like to be clear, though, that animals don't excite me. Well, at least not much.

    Matty, you would know the difference. I once had a friend who dated a Vietnamese woman, and he swore he could taste the siracha (chili sauce) when he licked her nipples.

    WG, we tried. Oh, how we tried.

    FC&F, no nookie this week, I'm sad to say, but plenty of socially awkward moments.

  • At 11:40 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    And Matty, we were after a Chinese wang, not a Chinese poontang. Do you and I need to have the birds and bees talk, kid?

  • At 11:30 AM , Blogger Lee said...

    Pandas are just too cute to sexually excite...although I understand there is a sexual fetish out there that involves wearing stuffed animal suits. Maybe they'd be into Panda Porn.

    And I think chili sauce flavored nipples would REALLY throw me off.

  • At 12:26 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    I have to believe that everyone loves Lionel Richie. It's one of the fundamental precepts upon which I've built my life. I'm just sayin'.

  • At 2:51 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    Um sorry, Lee, but Japanese girls do taste different. :)

  • At 3:10 PM , Blogger Hey Pretty said...

    I prefer Peachtree flavored Boon's myself. I guess it's all a mater of preference.

  • At 5:07 PM , Blogger Lee said...

    don't be sorry matt - i have heard this personally about asian gals, but chili sauce nipples? would that be classified as a "good thing"?

  • At 7:43 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    Lee, I've never had Mexican. Chilli sauce? I don't get it either.

  • At 7:47 PM , Blogger mist1 said...

    I don't find Lionel or his lovely daughter offensive in the least.

  • At 9:14 PM , Blogger Attention Whore said...

    Being half Japanese, I'm curious to know what Matt figures we taste like?
    Then again my high school boyfriend's nickname was Sushi...so I guess I probably know already...

  • At 10:41 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Whoa and a hey! I go away for one day and it's nipples and cunnilingus. I love you guys!

    Lee Baby, I like idea of dressing up fo sho, but that would be damn hot. And yes, I think flavored nipples are a good thing. Mmmm, lemon lime would be nice.

    Kristin, we must hold true to the important tenets of life. Long live Dancing on the Ceiling.

    Matty, do you have any pictures of her?

    Hey Pretty, any bottles from the Boone's vintage are quite pleasing to my refined palate. I like to pair the Strawberry Hill with Cheetos--it really brings out the smokey oak taste, and allows for fruity bursts on my tongue.

    Mist, honey, I'm with you on Lionel, but I've got to draw the line at Nicole. Her Dad is so classy, I just don't know what happened.

    AW, I don't even know what to say to that. I'm really, really just at a loss. Nuttin' but love, lady.

  • At 8:15 AM , Blogger Lee said...

    I dated one of those white guys who only like Asian women. He swore we tasted different. Since I'm half-Asian, half-white, I wonder if I'm like a double-scoop?


  • At 10:45 AM , Blogger Matt said...


    A woman who is half-white and half-whatever is at once exotic and familiar at the same time.

    It's a beautiful thing.

  • At 9:54 PM , Blogger Starboard Tack said...

    I think you should take that rich Asian investor up on the DisneyLand offer...

    With any luck, you could be the next Anna Nicole Smith.

  • At 11:34 PM , Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

    If they ever do that to you again, you just call me up and I'll lay the smack-down. My love for Stevie Wonder only becomes louder the more people try to reject it.

    Still, if you think it's hard telling people you love a black man because he reminds you of your dead mother, try telling them that you love Meat Loaf because he's the coolest person fathomable. It's a good thing I can get slutty when I'm drunk or else no one would like me after I told them that.

  • At 11:39 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Double Scoop, Lee Baby? That's awesome. I can't really top that with a stupid retort.

    You have to meet up with us soon!

    I like the way you think, Mattress.

    ST, that photo above is just for you. I am loathe to resemble Anna Nicole in the least, but I am praying for her family. See how that works? Judgment AND compassion.

    Hy Biscuits, you have hit on the secret of my success. Come, we will form a not-so-secret society of slutty drunk girls. Our uniform will be mini skirts and tube tops. Our battle cry will be, "God, I am so totally wasted!"

    Can you envision the beauty?


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