123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Room Service

One of the things I like best about hotels is that you can hear other people having sex.

I know. It's not as useful as a shoe mitt or as decadent as room-service Corn Flakes, but I enjoy it. Problem is, because I know that I could possibly hear other people having sex at any time, I constantly listen for it.

"Was that ...? Nah, it was just the plumbing," I reason, dejected.

"Ooohhh," I'll say to myself rushing up from the bed to put my ear against the wall, only to find it's a housekeeper straining to push the vacuum. I've only been checked in for five hours, and already I'm a figidity mess from trying to catch anonymous strangers engaged in coitus.

In other hotel news, this one has a button on the phone, in between the Wake Up Call and Valet Parking buttons, that reads: Consider It Done.

I called and left voice mail after voice mail, but no one has been up to Do me yet. I want to speak to a manager, especially that cute blond one. I may have to Consider Doing It Myself, but then at least I can listen to me.

In the Comments section, tell me if I should get the three-cheese omelet or be good and get the oatmeal for breakfast tomorrow.

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  • At 1:15 AM , Blogger Kevin said...

    I'm gonna say OATMEAL, but not to be healthy. I just don't like cheese or eggs that much. Hell, I don't even like oatmeal, either, but it sounds more appetizing.

  • At 1:40 AM , Blogger James Burnett said...

    I'm gonna look for that "consider it done" button next time I'm in a hotel room.

    And go with the omelet, only add a fourth cheeze, chorizo, green peppers, and onions.

  • At 4:16 AM , Blogger Nosjunkie said...

    Well thast it I aint having sex in a room near you
    or even a hotel on your block

  • At 9:19 AM , Blogger Lisa said...

    Golly. The oatmeal in hotels is usually really good, but then again that's because it comes with sweet things, and I know you don't do "morning sweet things." Eh, I'd still go with the oatmeal. Leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Miss you!!!!

  • At 9:41 AM , Blogger mist1 said...

    I suggest a bloody mary for breakfast.

    I have never had a Consider It Done button, but I do use a service called Relax, It's Taken Care Of.

  • At 10:15 AM , Blogger Matt said...

    Sometimes you wonder WHAT is going on there. What with all of the carrying on and so forth.... lamps crashing to the floor, fighting, yelling, orgasmic shrieks....

  • At 10:33 AM , Blogger you'dneverguess said...

    That's funny, I do the same thing. Is it just me, or does it seem like people have especially loud sex in hotels?
    Omelet, absolutely. But I'm with James, add something besides cheese. Peppers and onions are good. You know what I like? Sounds weird, shredded cabbage. It's good.

  • At 11:27 AM , Blogger John said...

    Its ten times better if someone is listening to ya do it.

    muhaha! :P

  • At 2:40 PM , Blogger Attention Whore said...

    A consider it done button...hmmm...could cover a multitude of requests. Mind you, the only request I have lately is for someone to do my friggin laundry. Maybe I'll check in and send down my 30 loads that need doing....

  • At 3:16 PM , Anonymous roonie said...

    OMELETTE! You're on vacay!

  • At 4:30 PM , Blogger Brokekid said...

    oatmeal, shmoatmeal...get the veal, candied yams and caviar.

  • At 5:58 PM , Anonymous Megan J.B. Jones said...

    You know what I say! Indulge, yo.
    Call me if you get bored. Sounds like you are keeping yourself busy, though.

  • At 8:43 PM , Blogger WanderingGirl said...

    Definitely the omelette! It's good for you... The Atkins diet folks would be proud!

    And PS... I always try to be louder in hotels just for people like you.

  • At 10:09 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Thanks, Kev. Fiber is your friend, but I'm open to suggestions. Bagels? Wheat Chex? A fritata?

    Oooh, James Burnett. You said the magic word: sausage.

    Probably wise, Nos. I have to stay at least 500 yards away from most people, anyway.

    It's true, Lis. Not unless the sweet thing's name is, say, Bryan.

    Mmm, Mist, bloody mary. Good call. You made me want to sing, "Relax, 123, don't do it, when you wanna get to it. Relax. Don't do it. When you wanna come."
    I don't like that song.

    Matty, I don't wonder. I fantasize.

    Guess, I LURVE cabbage. Coleslaw. With kielbosa. Cabbage soup. I'm game for it in an omelett.

    Johnny Toadstool, I could not have said it better myself.

    AW, I will get your laundry done, if you can get me done.

    Hey Roonie, I wish. If I were on vacay, I would definitely take Mist's advice, but I appreciate your taste for indulgence.

    Broke Kid, I love me some yams. Especially deep-fried yam chips. Nutrients are sooooo overrated.

    Megan J.B. Jones, holla lady. I feel so removed from life down here. We basically stand around and BS for 12 hours, drink like fish for 3 hours, then go back to the room and die. My car's at the airport, though, you'll hear from me on Sunday.

    WG, you are a doll! Wanna come down to Orlando?

  • At 10:27 PM , Blogger Flat Coke and Flies said...

    Order both, it's on the company tab, right?

    Consider it Done--oh I wish I had that button at HOME!!!

    Was the blonde a female???? *wink*


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