123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Shirl Thing

There are periods in my life that even my family knows nothing about.

I once lived with a woman named Shirl, who was my cosmetology instructor's weed dealer.

As I was wrapping a perm on my mannequin, I told my teacher, Tanda, that I needed a new place to live. She brought up Shirl as a possible solution: "Uh, they's a friend 'a mine needs a roommate. She's kewl. She gets me my green. Don't tell nobody. You need to be wrapping them rods tighter."

Shirl was 32, and I was 18ish. "Hey, girl!!!!!!" Shirl blared when I walked in to inspect the place [a trailer in Statesville, NC. There was a lot of brown and burnt umber in the decor. Go ahead, judge.]

"You wanna get high?" Shirl asked me. Then, the 5' 1" brunette with a shaggy haircut licked my neck and nuzzled her face in my boobs; she was feeling mighty fine from the hit of X she took prior to my arrival.

"Oh no, thank you. That's nice of you, though," I answered.

It was a match made in heaven because I didn't want to smoke any of Shirl's stash, and she was desperate for a roommate to fund her pain pill addiction with the $125 monthly rent. Yup. $125.

"Girl, you kewl. You can stay if ya want to," Shirl declared. "But, just so you know, I got me a boyfriend. Girl, he's 22, and he can fuck all night loooooooooooooooong."

"Oh, that's good," I said. "I'm just gonna look around. Which one would be my room?"

Shirl offered me the one with the refrigerator.

"The kitchen? You want me to sleep in the kitchen? Maybe, um, do you have a room with a bed?"

"Aw, fuck yeah. My bad, girl. There's that one up there," she pointed to the front of the trailer and rubbed my face. "You want a back rub, girl?"

I declined. The room, only mildly inhabited by spiders and mildew, was sadly up to my standards. I moved in a three days later.

When not selling weed to cosmetology teachers and high school students, Shirl worked at a local factory for 12-hour shifts. To comply with the regular drug tests, she frequently snuck condoms full of urine in her underpants--to keep them close to body temperature, of course. She bought them from her preacher's wife, who did what she could to help the fold.

Now, Shirl was dangerous and dumb and drugged up, but she did invite me to spend Thanksgiving with her family. They were more hospitable than you might expect and got 123V snockered--SNOCKERED!--in complete defiance of the law.

"You're only 18? Well hell, if you'll cut my hair for free, we got two bottles of Mad Dog with your name on 'em!" her Dad boomed.

Still, six weeks down the road, as I bumbled out of bed at 7 a.m. to make my morning cosmotolegy classes, I walked into the bathroom to find Shirl's 22-year-old boyfriend and his friend, DeeKay, smoking crack seated on the floor next to the toilet.

"Hey, 123Val. Go on and get you a shower. We don't mind," DeeKay politely said.

"Oh, no, that's okay, maybe if you can just hand me my toothbrush, that'd be kewl," I asked.

Then I promptly packed up my mannequin, my perm rods and my porn and left Shirl's place.

God, I miss her.

Hey! We haven't had a picture of my boobs in a while (Thanks Kristin!):

In the Comments section, tell me about your own personal Shirl. The winner gets two bottles of Mad Dog.



  • At 10:43 PM , Blogger Kayla said...

    I do not know why.. but this post totally made my day. It's just THAT funk-tastic!

  • At 1:09 AM , Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

    Wheee! And I thought my apartment was crappy.

    I was not aware you went to cosmetology school. Is there anything Valerie CAN'T do?

  • At 4:55 AM , Blogger Spellbound said...

    Great boobs! Mine was Mary, not quite as flamboyant, but then she was an 18 year old with a baby named "Now". She and now lived with me for 6 months when I was in need of a help with the rent on my house. She went through her life totally stoned as far as I could tell, although I never caught her holding or smoking. It could have been the residual effect from all the years before. My favorite quote from her, "That's the sleeping bag that Now was conceived on."

  • At 5:02 AM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    Linda, was a homeless person at the train station, I saw her every morning on my way to school. She always had great advice and gifts for me. She'd say " don't let the teachers look up your skirt" and hand me some crumpled piece of paper with pictures of cats she drew. she was an artist.

  • At 8:13 AM , Blogger Matt said...

    That guy you're sitting next to can't play cornhole for shit.

    This is your best post ever, Val!

  • At 10:47 AM , Anonymous 123V said...

    Kayla, you made my day, pretty lady.

    Hy Biscuits, I can't wink. It's cost me a lot of opportunity. I didn't actually graduate beauty school tho--I am a beauty school dropout.

    Thanks Spell! Mary sounds like a gem. I have to admit I have, uh, done the deed on things less romatic than a sleeping bag. On top of a garbage can, actually.

    Wow, Es Locura, Linda sounds like my grandma.

    For the record, my pretties, that is not Matty. That is 567Devin sitting next to me, and he was a decent Cornhole playa. Don't be a playa hata, Matterhorn.

  • At 12:21 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    I don't have a Shirl story. I have a turboslut story but it's just pathetic. Stupid slutty roommate.

    (You know I love taking pictures of you and your boobs. One of these days, though, I'm going to have to start using a flash and stop taking blurry low-light pics.)

  • At 12:24 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    I'm not a playa hata. I AM the playa.

  • At 4:45 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    WOW Love the boobage! Don't have any crackhead stories...I was a sheltered little angel, remember?

  • At 6:33 PM , Blogger Senor Caiman said...


    You wear that dress nice girl. I like that wild hair look too.

    I was on the national news tonight, did you see me?

  • At 12:44 PM , Anonymous 123V said...

    Turboslut. Heh. No, Kristin, the low light makes my boobs look bigger.

    Mattress, don't playa hate, participate.

    FC&F, I'll give you the sheltered part, but I have a hard time imagining you as an angel, my pretty.

    Senor, much obliged, girl. No, I did not. Please send me the clip. And some porn.

  • At 1:48 AM , Blogger Winter said...

    I love this post.

  • At 1:48 AM , Blogger Winter said...

    Put For Winter on this one too.

    Please, and thank you.


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