123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Monday, April 02, 2007

What's Cooking

My Step Mom was my age when she married my Dad, who at the time was 14 years her senior, twice divorced and had three daughters. It pretty much gave me free reign to bring home anyone I wanted henceforth.

In any case, because she was a fairly young career woman when they married, my Step Mom could run an entire office, but there were certain domestic chores at which she wasn't very adept, namely cooking.

One time, she made a pot of chicken and dumplings. I say "dumplings," but really, they were gigantic dough balls that swelled and rose above the pot, bubbling over so much they pushed the lid off. The dumplings actually gurgled and hissed as they grew, releasing gasses and fumes from the reaction.

We tried to gag down the floury pillows, but finally my Dad just threw the leftovers over the ravine behind our house, because, when you live in Ohio, you throw garbage into the woods to save paying for the trash service.

The next day, there was a raccoon lying on our front walk, bloated and squishy, with a tell-tale crust of dough framing its dirty, little mouth. It had eaten the "dumplings," and its insides exploded.

Do I have a point? No. Well, kind of.

I am the raccoon, and online dating is the dumpling that's going to kill me. But I hope to die satisfied and full, my pretties.

I did meet one I like. A lot. His heart is tender, though, and he's not "looking for anything." He also might be moving away--perfect for a nurturing, commitment phobe, gypsy like myself! I also think he's a vegetarian, though he's never said so. However, I'm taking a cue from Hey Pretty, and I'm going to keep this one to myself for now.

But, you can bet your bippy that if he makes my insides explode, you'll hear all about it.

How have your allergies been, my pretties? I hear that every seven years, your body changes its chemical makeup, so you may notice that your allergies weren't as bad as they were last year.

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  • At 5:18 AM , Blogger WanderingGirl said...

    Good idea, keeping him to yourself. Hey, wait a minute, no it's not! We want to know it all! Every dirty little detail!

  • At 5:18 AM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    I think I am developing an allergy to men, and contrary to popular belief, it's worst then past years.

  • At 8:27 AM , Blogger Matt said...

    Hey Val, I'm starting a Web site that allows married and/or divorcing men to meet young, available women.

    Any marketing ideas? Hahahahaha.

  • At 9:22 AM , Blogger Hey Pretty said...

    My allergies are acting up for the first time in years. I think I preferred my body's old chemistry, thanks.

  • At 11:01 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Allergies are right on cue for me this year. But being pregnant, I can't take anything so technically they are worse.

    As for the internet dating, I'll say this...you have to be patient. Don't expect to find a knight in shining armor on the first few dates. It takes awhile. I met my Baby Daddy that way. We dated others for about 9 months before we met. Good luck though! It is fun!

  • At 1:27 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    My allergies seem to be getting better, actually. I mean, I sneeze all the time, but I've stopped noticing.

  • At 1:29 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    Oh, but I did notice when I sneezed on a date and the guy didn't say "Bless you." I had images, quotes and songs from Singles running through my head all night. I deserve a guy who says "Bless you" when I sneeze.

  • At 1:33 PM , Anonymous 123V said...

    WG, he's a Cancer. They're private people. I'm trying to respect his, uh, privates.

    Es Locura, I dated a man who liked to wear wool sweaters, and they gave me hives. I suspect your allergy is a bit more organic than that, tho.

    Matty, you got a pass today for your dump-averssary.

    Kate, only another seven years or so of misery!

    Pookie Pants, rocking the preggers look AND the runny nose and watery eyes. Patience is not one of my strong points, I admit. Thanks for the reminder.

    For shame on that dude, Kristin. It all comes down to courtesy. I love Singles.

  • At 1:36 PM , Blogger Winter said...

    No, I want details. Like name, address, and birthdate.

    Or just what you like about him would work.

  • At 12:05 PM , Anonymous 123V said...


    I like that he is funny and intelligent and loves his dog and is not a picky eater, not to mention his taste in beer and that he travels a lot and that he is experienced in matters of the heart and thus not eager to get married. He's so adorable that it breaks my heart. I also sense that he is good in bed.


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