123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Real Friends Make You Cry

So, I know it's bad when I get a "Hey, Lady, where are you?" query from the great James Burnett.

Contrary to popular belief, I was not suffering a drunken stupor in a puddle of my own (or someone else's) urine or in a Turkish prison or kidnapped by a cult.

I have been online dating.

Yep. You read right: dating. Online. I have been wooing and winking and IMing my cute little ass off, and because none of you people ever tell me that you want to "suck those big titties" of mine (thank you, SexyandSingle616), I felt my time was better served at the hookup sites.

Alright. That's kind of true. And a lot more fun than saying I was suffering from general malaise, but that's actually more true. However, I have promising plans with a one Mr. SpaceMonkey76 and Doug_From_Pittsburgh.

As exciting as those prospects are, they weren't quite enough to get me over the funk hump. That bad spell was broken last night when Megan Jane gathered some of my favoritist people to celebrate me, for tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 27 on the 27th. I was told there was a word for that. Anyone know what it is?

In any case, there was a word for last night: awesome. My darling Megan Jane got all of our peeps to meet at a lovely Asian place. #1Laura, 567Devin, Camerooooooon, Dane, Jason, JennyJenny8675309, John, Kate, Kristin, Matty, Megan Jane, Scotty and Shea all ventured out. (No idea who these people are? Check it out.)

In true Megan Jane style, she aimed for big, floppy birthday tears, and, boys oh boys, she got 'em. She made everyone write down nice things about me. Because I am a vain Aries, here are a few of the highlights about how wonderful I am:

From Jason:
Even though I am skeptical about your unwavering conviction in astrology, your music has made me cry, your blog is hilarious, and your article about how to give a blowjob is God's gift to mankind.
If you think the article is good, J ...

From Kristin:
She gathers others. Together. To her. She makes them feel loved. She loves too much, too deeply for her own good and it is beautiful.
Yeah, I just lost it over this one.

From Kate:
I am too hungover to write a poem. Therefore: I O U 1 poem.
Beers before tears, Home Girl.

From Matty:
Everyone loves you. You smell nice and you have a happy smile.
Thank you, Mattress. Rose water is why I smell so good, and the blowjobs are why everyone loves me.

From Megan Jane:
You came to my rescue at just the right time and taught me a lot about leaving the mold. Shortly thereafter, my V-neck Gap sweater and penny loafers evolved into nudity.
Out of context, this sounds mighty odd. Actually, in context this sounds mighty odd. That's why I lurve me some Megan Jane.

From Scotty:

Once the menace of the BattleBots has been completely understood and evaluated, the plan quickly sprang forth to develop and design a Star Eater-based Automaton. The Valtron Project quickly evolved into the solar system's sole outer planetary defense policy.

I'm a robot who saved the universe. All in a day's work.

Oh, I cried after hearing all of these, my pretties. I snotted, yes I did. Man, I am seriously the luckiest girl on the planet. So, all it took was the tremendous love of good friends to snap me out of the funk.

Consider me unfunky henceforth. Most people already do.

Tomorrow is the actual big day, and it is also Sean P.K.'s birthday. We are telling people that we were Siamese twins. Because we can. There's a hockey game followed by some light-hearted debauchery on the books. Many of the same friends who lifted me up with their beautiful words will be along to see me fall down (and pull my pants up) tomorrow.

Nothing says "adulthood" like binge drinking and making out with strangers.

In the Comments section, tell me how you celebrated your last birthday. By the way, Megan Jane made the best "fun drinks" ever: blueberry/pomegranate juice with champagne and fresh berries.



  • At 6:50 PM , Blogger Attention Whore said...

    It's your CHAMPAGNE BIRTHDAY my dear dear Val...
    and for your birthday I am going to share with you my favouritest ever birthday punch recipe...aptly named "Skip and Go Naked"
    - 1 magnum champagne
    - 1 bottle vodka
    - 1 can frozen fruit punch concentrate
    - mix 3 previous ingredients together
    -pour into bithday glass, top with a slight splash of gingerale
    -drink some more
    -and yet another drink
    -skip and go naked!!!!!

    Many kisses to you my fellow Arian (that's Aries, not Aryan as in Aryan nation)...you are perfection...just try not to meet any virgins this time round the puter dating...

  • At 7:30 PM , Blogger nolongermrsborell said...

    I thought you said you celebrated Meg's birthday last night!! My phone muct have been breaking up more that I thought. I knew your B-Day was on the 27th...I just didn't reqalize today was the 26th. I am such a HORRIBLE friend. But i do love you and i am glad to knw you are alive...lol In my defense my phone was breaking up a bit.

  • At 7:32 PM , Anonymous Megan Jane said...

    Oh my gosh. I am so glad you are back. My days are cold without you, 123.
    AND I'm glad you enjoyed yourself last night. Let the celebrations continue!!!!!!

  • At 7:34 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    I'm glad I'm really baked right now to be receiving all of this humorous information at this time--in one post.

    Happy birthday!

  • At 7:38 PM , Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

    that's what a champagne birthday is? Crap. Mine was when I was 1. I'm pretty sure I didn't drink champagne. They instead strapped me shirtless to my high chair and put a big chocolate cake in front of me and let me go hogwild.

    My upcoming birthday may very well have the same activity.

    Happy Birthday!

  • At 8:11 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    No one could forget AMANDAPALOOZA!!! NOVEMBER BABY!!!

  • At 8:34 PM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    Uno, dos, tres, feliz compleanos. Sounds like a fabulous way to spend a birthday, lucky girl. Do you think you can gather your friends and make them be my friends and then all of you fly to Puerto Rico in time for my birthday? It's not til January so you have plenty of time to plan.

  • At 8:35 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    I so didn't mean to make you cry. I generally only do that in an office environment, but sometimes it spreads to the real world. At least I didn't make you quit.

    Happy birthday, beautiful.

  • At 9:59 PM , Anonymous bigblackguy said...

    Red in the morning sailors take warning, red at night sailors delight.

    Happy Birthday

  • At 10:43 PM , Blogger brinki dink said...

    Happy Birthday Valerina. I'm glad your peeps showed up to drown you in fantabulous love. I wish I had been there to tell you how wonderful you are, because you are just that, wonderful. Happy birthday sweet girl.

  • At 7:50 AM , Blogger Jon said...

    Happy Birthday! Hope you have a great day.

    I don't really remember much about my birthday. But I can only assume all the binge drinking made me witty, charming, and irresistable to the opposite sex.

  • At 8:55 AM , Blogger mist1 said...

    I think I got a pap smear for my birthday.

  • At 11:01 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Well, apparently I had a hell of a birthday that I don't remember cuz I got knocked up :( Oh well. At least I know who the daddy is! YAY!!!!

  • At 2:22 PM , Blogger Winter said...

    Happy Birthday!

  • At 3:19 PM , Blogger EJ Takes Life said...

    Happy Birthday, you gorgeous girl! I'm sorry that I couldn't be there to celebrate with you.

  • At 5:56 PM , Blogger James Burnett said...

    Happy B. Day. Go out and get hammered again. For 26 more days, in fact. I am a huge believer in marathon birthday celebrations.

  • At 11:58 AM , Blogger Lee said...

    Happy B-day 123! Can't wait to hear about online dating. You are one intrepid soul. Especially after the virgin. Did you help a brotha out?

  • At 12:28 PM , Blogger Grampa said...

    Happy birthday, you old bitch.

  • At 1:47 PM , Blogger Winter said...

    Out with the online dating post. I'm waiting..

  • At 2:36 PM , Anonymous 123V said...

    AW, you're the best. Sounds like the drink should be called Skip, Go Naked and Fall Down.

    Miss Kirstin, I love you, too, and I am also glad to be alive.

    Party on, Megan Jane. Party on, Garth.

    Mattress, are you insuiting that you have to be high to find me funny?

    Hy Biscuits, I was shirtless at one point during my champagne birthday, too!

    Valapalooza sounds like a disease. WE'll save it for you, FC&F.

    Es Locura, we are THERE, lady. Can we go skinny dipping?

    Kristin, they were tears and snot droplets of joy, I assure you.

    Thank you, Big Black Guy. I am sailor's delight.

    B Dink, I wish you were here, too, my love. How'd that modeling thing go?

    Jon Jon, I have no doubt about your wit and sex appeal.

    Mist, honey, your doctor knows you so well.

    Pookie Pants, one year, my birthday gift was finding out I WAS NOT preggers.

    Thanks, Winter! Dates are coming soon. Hopefully that means I will be too!

    EJ, we missed you in your stripey gloriousness, my dear.

    James Burnett! Do you think I would get a medal at the end?

    Lee Baby! I did not, in fact, help the brotha out. That's like giving a 16-year-old a Porsche.

    Aw, Gramps, you old bastard. Glad you're back.

  • At 4:31 PM , Blogger Johnny DC said...

    happy birthday.

    and stop dating those virgins.

    are you a school teacher or something?

  • At 6:02 PM , Blogger Lee said...

    Good point.


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