Is It Any Wonder?

So, hey, things are going well (if not stupidly busy) and I'm feeling pretty good about myself these days. Let's eff that up to the maxx by reviewing my Top 5 most embarrassing moments. Why not?

5. That time when I was with Ryan and I asked him, "Is it in yet?" It was … maybe this belongs on Ryan's list, actually.

4. When I was 12 and acting as my sister Maryann's bride's maid, I fainted during the wedding. Everyone saw my underpants, and the best man had to carry me out.

3. In second grade, I told a kid named A.J. that I liked him. And he said, "Baby, I'm too good for you." Wow. Second fucking grade.

2. I spent my 21st birthday in Burlington, VT, on an overnight. The first officer of the crew with whom I was flying went with me to a little tavern down town, where I eventually passed out on the table at 4:00 in the afternoon. We were subsequently kicked out.

So, First Officer and I stumbled back to the hotel and did what any one would do: We slept together. The next morning, I woke up and did the short walk of shame to my room and passed the captain on my way there.

"Um, hey. We were out late."

"Yeah, I heard you. I mean, I really heard you."

OH. GOD.

1. When I was 13, I discovered my Dad's Penthouse by accident and was immediately enthralled. One day, when he was dropping me off at school, my Dad stopped the car about a block from the building and said, "You have no business going through my things. I don't want you reading any of my magazines."

OH. MY. GOD.

Let the self loathing commence.

So obvious: In the Comments section, share your most embarrassing moment. I'll give you a hug.

Weird Val Yankovic

Note: I've had several e-mails asking, "Is this about me?"

The answer is, "Yeah, probably," but that doesn't mean I wrote it with you in mind. If you're feeling moved or are uncomfortable with any of the statements I made here, then it might be a right good time to take a gander a ye olde life. Nurtin' but lurve.

When I signed on, all I really wanted to write is that "people are weird."

Not in a serial-killer, pedophiliac or I-love-scrunchies-and-wear-cat-sweatshirts kind of way—just in a sadly amusing, shake-your-head sense.

But then I didn't want to be vague and "mysterious," especially since ya'll came over to say hi, so I was trying to figure out what exactly prompted me to think this and, further, move me to write it down, especially after weeks of drunken stupor silence.

Well, I guess there are some folks lately who not only aren't doing what they want to do, including perhaps myself, but who aren't doing what they need to do to take care of themselves. I think that's weird. Like, a lot weird. A lot. A LOT.

Weird, I say. (Write.)

While being selfish is a fault, I think being selfless is a fault, too.

I know because I was that selfless girl for many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many years.

Many of them.

I gave up food, sleep, tranquility, dreams, money, love, happiness, goals, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, self respect, honesty and peace, all for the sake of others. Or so I thought.

I mean, yeah--at the moment, that person probably enjoyed the shot of love and generosity I gave them. But I needed the feeling of superiority and being free from phantom guilt a hell of a lot more.

And I know the recipients of my sacrifices never stayed up nights worrying about me, while I, on the other hand, lost countless hours of sleep and more than a few pounds on their behalves.

(Which, I know seems odd now to those of you who know and love my kickin' curves, but not so long ago, this 5' 7" frame carried a mere 98 pounds. I'm now 150, and my boobs and I are looking damn good, if I do say so myself, so you do the scary, sad math.)

Anyhoo, trouble is, all that "sacrifice" ever got me was a lot of bad memories and some etchy-sketchy credit card debt. Boo, hiss.

Overlooking my own needs never once made me as content as saying, "I'm sure there's a way we can compromise so we all get what we want." Never. Not once. Not one, single time.

People who have reached a safe place in their lives appreciate and thrive on compromise. Everyone gives, everyone gets.

People who could probably benefit from some meditation and quiet time either give and give and give and give and give, or take and take and take and take and take. I'm no Dr. Drew, kids, but this is why I gravitate toward folks who keep an even keel and keep it reals.

It doesn't mean that I don't lose my head and my heart and my focus sometimes. The Good Lord and all of his poker buddies know I do. It just means that I'm able to right the teeter-totter fairly quickly when I do get off balance.

Or, at least if I can't right it, I can recognize the injustice and yell, "It's not right! I don't want any more cherry bumps! Get me off of this ride!"

So, yeah. People are weird, but I'm right there with them, I suppose. And I wouldn't have it any other way right now.

But, I don't have a flipping clue how to make any of the situations better, and that sucks.

In the Comments section, tell me what your favorite thing on the playground was. I was a monkey bars kind of gal.

Affirmative

Hey, my pretties. I know some of yins were ready to send out the search par-tay for me, but I've just been trapped in my own head for a bit.

I wish I could say I was finding some peace and in quiet in here, but my head's louder than a bowling alley these days, with all of my expectations and ideals set up like a neat row of pins, only to be knocked down and scattered about by the bowling ball of life. Funny how a strike can feel like a strike out.

To try and counteract my general mopieness, I've had all of my affirmations clanging around up there. If you're not familiar, affirmations are simply mantras you repeat over and over and over and over and over and over again to try and bring about some peace and prosperity. Kind of like a homemade chant.

A few of my favorites lately have been:

"My life is full of blessings and opportunities."
"I have an abundance of all I need."
"I love cheese."

It gets a little loud in there sometimes.

There's another one I use a lot. "I am taken care of."

See, I have a perpetual fear of abandonment. It's probably not anything those who know me would think of straight away, but I doubt any are really surprised to read this, either.

It's not a piercing, shrieking fear; rather, the quiet droning type—like being able to hear the neighbor's TV. Even if you can't always make out the words, you still know the TV is on and you can feel its energy seeping through the walls.

This fear of being left alone tends to exert itself in my life as supreme, childish independence. Sometimes, the best thing I can do is remind myself that I don't have to do it on my own.

But, lately, I've accidentally been mixing up my own mantra. What should come out as, "I'm taken care of," is coming out as, "I'm taking care of …" Three little letters that completely change the meaning.

I noticed my alteration yesterday evening when I laid down to pray before bed. I was running through my list of people and world stuff and then I got to myself. I asked for the strength and patience to accomplish all that I need to accomplish right now (it runs the gamut from "save the world" to "clean out the refrigerator"} and then I was overwhelmed with anxiety.

So, I started with my affirmations to calm myself the fuck down.

"I am taken care of."

"I am taken care of."

"I am takin care of."

"I am taking care of …"

"Oh, fuck. That's not right."

I think the answer is to get out of my head. Because with the cosmic bowling jam, all of the affirmations clamoring around and the small snippet of Nazareth's "Son of a Bitch" that's on a constant loop, a body can't think straight in there.

So, here I am. Back again and more out of my head than ever.

In the Comments section, tell me if you have an affirmation or a mantra.