123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

The Big D'Oh

My great-Aunt E and I celebrate the same birthday, March 27.

Aunt E's got me by, like, 32 years but she's cool as shit, which is why I can't understand how she could beget a goober like her son, my Cousin Bruce. (He's my step-cousin, really, but it's impolite to not claim blood relations for the stupid ones.)

I called to wish Aunt E a happy B-day on our day, especially because she's going in for some major surgery soon. Anyhoo, Cousin Bruce picked up the phone first. Damn.

"Hey, Val. Yeah, Mom's here. She can't wait to talk to you. So, guess what? The "O" in the Hollywood sign burnt out, and I was supposed to drive the replacement out to Cali but they needed 24 feet on the trailer and my rig is only 20 feet. Fuck! Oh, and I'm buying you a gun for Christmas."

Hey, my pretties, I love me some truckers. Lookin' down ain't what this is about.

But Cousin Bruce lost his CDL license more than a few years ago due to some dranking and mouthing off to coppers, um, six times in a two-year period. After his truck sat parked in Aunt E's driveway for several consecutive months, he finally sold his rig three years ago, so ain't no one asking him to drive nothing nowhere.

Apparently, though, Cousin Bruce can time travel. Or he was hopped up on some major goofballs that were taking him back to 2004.

I don't know. I suspect that he doesn't either.

The moral of the story? Don't call my Aunt E's house when Cousin Bruce is awake.

In the Comments section, tell me about your "Cousin Bruce." We all got one.

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  • At 8:43 AM , Blogger Say It said...

    I have too many cousin Bruces to name. Glad I'm not alone though!

  • At 9:52 AM , Blogger The Maiden Metallurgist said...

    I don't have one... oh god, does that mean I'm cousin Bruce?

  • At 11:14 AM , Blogger Del-V said...

    My Cousin Bruce is my Sister-in-law. She likes cheap wine and watching daytime TV. She dosen't like working or getting out of bed before noon.

  • At 7:58 AM , Blogger The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

    My cousin Bruce is my brother in law Bubba (really his name). Also a trucker who lost his license for repeated stupidity.

    My sister and her (gag) husband have an old school bus in the back yard on which Bubba has spray painted the words "Tool Shed". They use it to store old toys and huge bags of stale candy from Odd Lots.

    The best thing he has going for him is that he still has all his own teeth. Oh, and my sister.

  • At 2:36 PM , Blogger pistols at dawn said...

    I don't know large portions of my family, but I'm going to go ahead and say that the group that lives in Nowhere, Michigan, that holds up the Assistant Manager of a Blockbuster Video as its proudest accomplishment, is collectively my uncle Bruce.

    However, should you need to know the ins and outs of sugar beet factories, they are your people.

  • At 9:35 PM , Blogger Spellbound said...

    You will notice I rarely mention my family except for my Mom and Dad. There is a good reason for that omission. My brother went to his daughter's wedding with no facial hair because of pouring gasoline on a brush fire. My sister has a house full of singing stuffed toys. Her husband has no teeth and her Mother-in-law, "Beanie" (don't ask unless you want to know) road in the Strawberry festival parade in the back of a pick up truck with her name painted on the side, comfortably seated in a rocking chair. Please don't make me continue.


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