123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Don't Spitzer Into the Wind

I feel like the wizened, yet senile, community elder who spouts off stories out of context just because she can, but here goes: Did I ever tell you about the time I served pasta to Air Supply?

Oh, I did?

How about my worst heartbreak?

You heard about that too, huh?

What about my boobs? Have I covered the amazingness of my boobs?

Shit. I'm running out of material.

I guess I'll take a dance move from Woodrow and ask ya'll what you want to know about. In meantime, I need your help:

What in the hell are these things?

I've been spending a lot of time out in the woods lately, trying to find myself, talking on my cell phone to Megan Jane and communing with nature, as it were. And every day, I see these creepy things poking out of the ground, mocking me. All twisty and turvy and speckled.

Help a sister out because they're giving me nightmares. In-exchange for your assistance, I'll share a little-known-fact about my-self.

Peep this: I don't really-know how to properly use hyphens. My-Pretties, I write for a living and I don't understand the laws regarding hyphens. Sometimes I put-them-in. Some-times, I don't. I mostly just guess.

It's a blow to my writer's-ego to be so deeply-in-the-dark about this. For the longest time, I've simply just nodded my head knowingly when someone said, "You're missing a hyphen."

My response was, "Yes, well, I can see why traditionally a hyphen might have been used. I suppose I'll just concede to the anachronistic punctuation rules this time," all the while simply trying to make sense of the murky grammarian code.

But, I tell you what: I'm first-class when it comes to semi-colons. (Now, I know a hyphen belonged there, right? ... Right?)

My boobs are also first class. Did I mention that?

In the Comments section, give me a hard and fast hyphen rule. Or just give me a hard and fast ... oh, never mind.

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  • At 10:46 PM , Anonymous Hey Pretty said...

    They look like a mushroom or some other fun fungus. If you eat one and everything gets all sparkley and cool and you begin to think you can read minds, they're the *really good* kind of mushroom.

  • At 4:20 AM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    alien mutant eggplants? set upon earth to annoy those who are hyphen challenged. (I'm guessing - of course)

  • At 6:52 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I use hyphens all the time. That's the rule - you can use them all the time. I have nothing else. Well, my boobs are amazing also - but nothing else.

  • At 8:22 AM , Blogger country roads said...

    I stick them in wherever too (ha!) and also ellipses....

  • At 8:22 AM , Blogger Kristin said...

    If you're stringing together words to make an adjective, use a hyphen, i.e. "this poorly-worded example" or "my love-em-and-leave-em approach to a jobs" or "what-the-heck-was-I-thinking attempt to explain something I barely understand."

  • At 8:23 AM , Blogger Kristin said...

    Or, you know, a job. A jobs doesn't make sense. Neither do I. :(

  • At 10:42 AM , Blogger Del-V said...

    Do you know why I try to avoid nature? Because there's weird crap like that out in nature. The good news is it won't be long before global warming kills whatever that thing is.

  • At 12:07 PM , Anonymous Franki said...

    yeah, i'm pretty sure dem woods is full of alien babies.

  • At 1:04 PM , Blogger Winter said...

    Do not eat that.

    And I know your books are fantastic.

    Mine tingle with jealously every time I see yours.

  • At 1:05 PM , Blogger Winter said...

    Boobs not books.


  • At 2:45 PM , Blogger brinki dink said...

    That, my dear, is Symplocarpus foetidus. Otherwise known as Skunk Cabbage.

    Hyphens are used to join words. They are not the same thing as a dash, which equals a double hyphen. I know not the proper time or place to use either.

  • At 9:54 AM , Blogger Amanda said...

    I'd say some kind of eggplant... yep that's my story, stickin' to it. :)

  • At 4:37 PM , Blogger M@ said...

    You can get really good information on grammar w/ a simple Web search, Val.

    I just want to be able to EXPLAIN grammar to others, if I am called on it.

  • At 12:10 PM , Blogger Nina said...

    The rules surrounding hyphens are ridiculous and no one could possibly follow the rules to the letter unless said person had an over-weaning fussiness that ruled over all her behavior. Good for you for not quite knowing. (The MLA style-guide does have the unsatisfying rules if you really want to know).

  • At 1:06 PM , Blogger Woodrow said...

    How come Winter gets to see your boobies on a regular basis and I don't? Huh? WTF?

  • At 12:32 PM , Blogger Don't Blame Me, I didn't vote for Bush said...

    Yup, Symplocarpus foetidus, more specifically that is the flower of said plant.

  • At 9:26 AM , Blogger Effortlessly Average said...

    Don't know what they are, but if they're that color and growing in the wild, don't eat them.

    I've never seen your boobs, but you keep saying they're amazing. I withhold agreement until I get to taste- er, I mean SEE them. heh.

    I'll give you something hard and fast regarding hyphens, if you give me something juicy and slow about semicolons.


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