123Valerie Strikes Again

Unprecedented Self-Indulgence.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

It's Not Me; It's You

I'm a good breaker-upper. I really am.

I have a fool-proof method, provided you're attracted to men with penises.

I'm so sorry this isn't going to work out. Your penis is just too big. It's painful for me, literally, but I have to walk away.

That's how it's done. Feel free to use that. None of this, "I just don't think we're a good fit. I don't have a lot of time right now. I'm freaked out because you're missing a pinky toe."

Nope. Just let them down while building them up. Dude thinks he has a huge wang, and I get away scott free.

I recently had a situation at work that was similar to a break up. I've accepted another position within the company for all of the right reasons: more moola, better title, less hours. But, having to tell my boss was a little like saying, "Yeah ... it's not me; it's you."

Awkward! Weird! It made my tummy all fizzy. I had palm sweat. But, it had to be done. My new co-workers are going to put "123Valerie, Superstar" on the name plate for my office.

My first choice was, "123Valerie: She has a great rack." But, we all decided that it might work better on my new business cards.

In the Comments section, tell me about a bold move you've made lately. OR what you want on the name plate for your office. The winner gets to help me with my yard work (Megan Jane's gonna appreciate that one.)

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  • At 3:03 PM , Blogger Matt said...

    My bold move will be asking for another 20k in a job interview next week. They don't like that, I'll tell 'em to go fuck themselves.

  • At 3:34 PM , Blogger Starboard Tack said...

    I tried using "I'm so sorry this isn't going to work out. Your tits are just too big. I simply cannot fit your entire breast inside my mouth. I have to walk away."

    It just doesn't work as well...

  • At 4:20 PM , Blogger Hey Pretty said...

    Yay! Atta girl.

    I can't say I've made any bold moves lately. But on Saturday I'm pulling a Val and having several inches lopped off my hair. Yes, you inspired me.

    As for the name plate, I'd either like it to read "Gadfly" or "Bonvivant."

  • At 6:11 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I'm not too good at yard work so I'm declining to help BUT I'd love my name badge to say something to the effect of Flat Coke "Tight collimation and deep penetration" I take xrays...remember.

  • At 6:18 PM , Blogger Senor Caiman said...


    Is the Dude in the previous post an Iranian?

    I don't know if this is bold or stupid, but i was doing 2 girls at work and last week I decided to add a third just because she got a perm. I know it's weird.

  • At 7:08 PM , Blogger EsLocura said...

    My name plate would read Eslocura, insanity is genetic. My bold move will take place on saturday when I kiss that boy goodbye. (am going to use the huge penis line)

  • At 7:52 PM , Blogger WanderingGirl said...

    My nameplate would be a star with "WanderingGirl, Golden Goddess of Physical Therapy". I may have to go on to explain how I stamp out physical disability, plague, and pestulence one day at a time. That will take a separate plate.

  • At 8:44 PM , Anonymous Kirstin said...

    Starboard:Thank god men don't really think like that or I wouldn't had a relationship past sixth grade!!
    I really don't do bold things anymore. I am getting so boring!!

  • At 10:33 PM , Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

    I think the reason you didn't have to put the bit about your great rack is because it's probably just going to be obvious to everyone. No need wasting space with redundancy.

    Anyway, my name plate would simply read "Kellytastic"

  • At 10:33 PM , Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

    and congratulations! I forgot to say that part... I was too busy dreaming about my nameplate.

  • At 11:15 PM , Blogger mist1 said...

    Mine says:

    Mist 1, Devil's Advocate

  • At 11:17 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Hmmmmm, bold moves? Well, not long ago I quit my job at an engineering firm and told my boss that he was a total chauvanistic pig and that he should have his license pulled. Another was an interview where I asked the nitwit if she actually READ my resume...Ummmmmm, that's it. For now.

    My name plate: FUHQ

  • At 12:31 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

    I'm about to clearly outline for a man why we're not dating, to clear up any confusion on the matter. We have never dated and will never date in so many words. Is that wrong?

  • At 12:42 PM , Anonymous 123V said...

    I think an even bolder move, Matty, is to tell them to fuck themselves before you ask them for the $.

    ST, you're right. It doesn't translate very well. What about, "You're just too beautiful. It arouses all of my jealousies and insecurities. I can't get anyting done worrying that other men find you so attractive."

    Thanks, Ms. Kate. Can't wait to see the hair--it's just the time for a new do. Bonvivant. Good one.

    Oh, FC&F, I would have expected nothing less. Maybe,too, "She likes the bone."

    Senor, that's my friend 567Devin. He's from Michigan originally. That's all I know. Perms can be sexy--something in those chemicals, I'll bet.

    Aw, Es Locura, good luck, lady. Let me know how it goes.

    WG, we can get you a whole wall if you want. It's your world, girl.

    Kristin--NO WAY! you have a red couch. That is in no way boring. Do I know that cat you're writing off?

    Thanks Hy Biscuits-tastic! I do like to waste time, but space is another matter. Thank you for the good wishes!

    Mist, honey, thank goodness they added the "advocate" part. That could get confusing otherwise.

    Pookie Pants, you have inspired me to try and bring back the word "nitwit" single-handedly. That's a good one. So are you!

  • At 1:08 PM , Blogger Spellbound said...

    Damn, I used that line and it was true.

  • At 3:27 PM , Blogger brinki dink said...

    Congratulations, Valerina! That's fantabulous news.

  • At 6:08 PM , Blogger Grampa said...

    I have business cards that read:

    Ace Paralegal

  • At 7:15 PM , Blogger Attention Whore said...

    I have Biz Cards with my name and QFE after it. Everyone thinks it's some professional designation, but it really stands for Queen of Fucking Everything.

  • At 1:02 PM , Blogger Winter said...

    Attention Whore: I'm so jealous. I'm seriously going to do that.

  • At 7:33 PM , Blogger 123Valerie said...

    Spell, you are on lucky lady. Hubba Hubba.

    Thanks B Dink! I'm so glad you have so much to celebrate, too!

    Gramps, I believe it. Are they embossed?

    AW, well, yeah ... who else could do it?

    Winter, you and AW are on opposite sides of the continent. I think you could get away with it.

  • At 2:17 PM , Blogger Lee said...

    That is the best effing advice I have ever received. Thank you. You should maybe post a disclaimer though. *Must have at least seen said penis before using this.

  • At 12:04 PM , Anonymous Creative Freakin' Genius said...

    First of all - I am totally stealing your line. "I'm really sorry but your penis is just too large" not only lets them down easy but makes it sound as tho you're tiny and fragile and what grrrrrrrl in her right mind wouldn't want that?

    Bold move, don't know it it's bold or not but I wanted "Creative Genius" on my business cards. "The Man" wouldn't let me so I took whiteout and spent company time changing them myself.

    By now you're probably wondering...
    Who the hell is this amazing chick? I came here via Attention Whore.


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